Teachers' Day; nervous

Tomorrow's Teachers' Day (if I'm not mistaken). So do any of you have any surprises for your teachers? Or going back to your alma mater to visit your teachers? Just found out that tomorrow's a school holiday, so don't you start trotting down to your Secondary or Junior Colleges! Not too sure about JCs and Polytechnics though, though I came from a JC. =P Never quite got the hang of remembering holidays.

----------------------
Dbl O tonight. Nervous.

Vacuum.

Why is it that everytime I fall I'm acutely aware that I'm doing it all wrong, yet I still keep falling. I shouldn't be falling.
I was walking back to arts from science for lunch and all the time I had this vacuum inside me. I'm aware of what would fill that vacuum, make me feel instantly better. I'm also aware that everytime this emptiness comes back, it will never be filled. I just have to wait for it to close back by itself for some time before the next opening. Knowing that it shouldn't be this way doesn't make the vacuum go away. Then suddenly I yearn for the pounding of the beats to drive away my worries, fears and unhappiness. I miss him so much.

****ed up

Schoolwork's fucked up. Emotions' fucked up. Priorities fucked up.

The only thing that isn't fucked is me.

Middle Finger

How am I supposed to know something I was not taught to do?!
KNN, I don't know how to do partial differentiation lah! Still put it in the very first bloody piece of homework! I don't take MA modules you know! @#%@#^#$!

Sick of playing

In relation to the last line of the last second paragraph of SH's entry. Coincidentally I made a similar remark to KQ today. KQ directly and indirectly asked me to audition for NUSSO thrice in total. I'm really very flattered. He said he needs one more percussionist and I told him straight I don't want to play. Why? he asked. The answer kind of shocked myself as well. I'm sick of playing. I've played for 7 years.

So yar, I'm finally sick of playing.

Gone

Sigh.
No privacy, no private space
Nothing to take comfort in.
Maybe I'm just being a bit too materialistic
In a virtual world?
The irony.

That which was personal
That which was private,
That which once was,
Is no more.
Perhaps I am reading too much
Into something I cannot see,
Cannot touch,
Cannot...
own.

My signature was not upon it,
Yet I feel it is torn away from me.
My one last comfort,
Thrown into limelight.

Gone.

Sociology tutorial

Tutorial room in Engineering, less than 20 students present, and only 1 engine student amongst us.

=D

Tutorial room has nice brown wooden tables where I can put my textbook, notes, pencilbox and waterbottle on without any of them falling off. We're talking about nice sturdy tables versus chairs with small, attached tables not unlike those in LTs (in arts). I'm envious.

Enjoying pictures of women

You know something's really wrong when your male friend shares pictures of bikini babes and URLs with erotic pictures of women with you, and you enjoy looking at naked women more than men.

And "you" are a female.

Or is there anything wrong with that at all? Is it culturally accepted? Am I sick in the mind?

Pigeons playing

It isn't what it seems.

It was 8am and those pigeons were playing soccer with that piece of bread.

Then they started pecking furiously at it. Tsk. Eating their toys so quickly already.

help (yes, no, ok, thank you, sorry)

Admittedly lost, afraid and desperate for help. Extremely apologetic and embarrassed for asking SH for help on physics. Very thankful but very apologetic for (maybe) having to take up his time.

Have you ever had the feeling that you are invading into somebody else's private (or public) space?

Too many "thank you"s and "sorry"s.

Bugged to blog about "LaceCloset giveaway"

Chu Wen bugged me to blog about this, so here it is :

Lace Closet, a sponsor of his, is giving away female clothes for free, on his blog HERE. Ok, I helped chose the top so you all can go take a look. If you are interested in getting that top, instructions are on his blog.
If you found that name familiar and you are in NUS, yes you have seen Lace Closet's poster before somewhere in school. Actually, it's everywhere.
And I thought I'd just show a picture of that top here:

So yes, "that" top is now "this" top above. *points* Nice? Then click here to find out more on how to get it, for free.

Ok, DONE! I blogged about it. He so troublesome. But the top nice. =)

ZC's celebration

Yesterday went to eat at a coffeeshop at Alexandra Road to celebrate my YY's brother, ZC's (who is also my cousin) birthday. It's become something of a tradition that we'll eat out and order lots then stuff ourselves full whenever there's something to celebrate. We ended up at YY's place.

Me, Olivia, YY

Aunt, Me, Olivia

Hehz, photos very blur because I forgot to change camera settings.

I wish

I was a man.

Fondue

While reading this entry, I realize I haven't had fondue before. Wonder how it's like.

1,3,5,7... Cigarette smoke

Odd.
Cigarette smoke ain't that repulsive afterall.

Coincidences

Last academic year I hardly met my cousins in school. This semester I saw one cousin and his girlfriend on the first day of school and many more times later on, learned that another cousin is taking the same module as me and just about 30 seconds before, learned that that same cousin is in another module of mine.

There is much more to say regarding coincidences but I just don't have the time to spare to blog about it. So yar, cousins all around me... =)

Middle C

On recognizing the middle C on a piano, Science of Music lecturer:

You can impress your girlfriend, tell her *points to imaginary keyboard* "this is the middle C." Well, of course if your girlfriend is a graded pianist, she won't be impressed.

Yar, I still know D, E, F, G, A, B-flat, C#, D-flat.

Supposed to be reading sociology text but I ended up in AS7 using the computer instead.

Meetup with MZ and BL

Had a wonderful time with Mingzhu and Baoling today.
Met for dinner at Kovan's Thai Express. Coincidentally, my cousin SMSed me to ask if I can bring her for a clubbing session next thursday. So now all of us plus her, are going to a pub next thursday. Ladies' night - no entrance fee and 4 free drinks! =D
After dinner walked around but there wasn't much to see and we ended up at Hougang Mall's Macdonald's instead. Talked quite a bit and laughed a lot. Really haven't laughed so much and so hard in a really long time. Felt great! =) In the midst of chatting we tore up the paper from the base of the ice-cream cone into tiny pieces:

We did that while they were trying to prove some point to me.

Plus after dinner and throughout, somehow BL became my matchmaker and MZ my mother. Don't worry about me, I know what to do ok! Thanks for all your concern!

Tomorrow's an 8am lecture. Just pondering over next thursday's late-night-out. Let's say I reach home and finish everything at 3am. Should I go to sleep or just stay awake and go straight to school at 6am for my 8am lecture? Ah, ok, realized there are 2 tutorials on the day-after. I should sleep, at home and on bus.

And I should get some sleep now.

Shaving

Away, hair! =P

Not yet. After my period.

In LT26

21st August, Monday

Lecturer, my thoughts.

Physics lecture, lecturer explaining something about projectile motion and horizontal range or something of the likes. He used an example:

I use the standing broad jump example - 2m, about there.

2 guys sitting beside me.

Guy 1, "2m?"
Yar lah, so exaggerating, where got possible 2 metres, right!
Guy 2, "2 only meh?"
Guy 1, "More than 2 right?"
Guy 2, "Last time I got jump 2.6 before."
What?! The standing broad jump mat like not so long right?! I remember I jump 1.5+ leh.
Guy 1, "Yar lah..."

Somehow my blue pencil box and its contents were suddenly very attracted to their heads.

24th August, Thursday

I got a nice seat in LT. Lecture starting soon. Guy comes in late, sits in my row, a seat away from me.

......... ..... ......

That guy never brush teeth is it?! I turn my head, trying to look at him without being too obvious. Cham, cannot stand it. Lean back, cannot, smell very strong. Lean forward, better, but still can smell a tiny bit.

After a short period of intensive sniffing, trying to locate the best position to adopt..

Ah, like better already. Wait! Is that his breath again?

Weird advertisement

The bus I was on this afternoon drove past this SMRT bus which had an ad on its back. The thing is I'm not too sure what it's advertising for.

There's Hotel 81 in the background, a man and woman looking at each other in the foreground and, if I didn't remember wrongly, they were holding durians! I mean what the heck are they holding durians for?!

Let's see, at first I thought they were advertising for Hotel 81 because that was the first thing I saw, despite the fact that its image was blurred. Then there were the expressions on man's and woman's faces - looking... slyly or coyly, whichever you prefer, at each other. Given the image that Hotel81 has, the first thing that popped into my mind is that they are going to *ahem* there you know. But then Hotel81 is trying to change its image, so they can't be advertising in this way. Perhaps it is an advertising glitch, you may say, the models are lousy in facial expressions, but there's the unexplained opened durians in their hands. Why in the world would they have durians?! Maybe a cock decided to reside in my eyes. Anyway, perhaps they're advertising for du.. I mean, Esplanade?

The whole advertisement is summed up in this way in my mind:
The couple is going to bring durians into Hotel81 to eat because Hotel81 is changing its image and those durians (maybe D24) are very nice to eat and maybe if the couple decides to do something else besides eating durians, it'd be a convenient place to do it and if they get tired of doing whatever they were doing, they can go back to eating durians or sucking on the seeds instead of *ahem* sucking on something else.

*gasps for breath* Long sentence.

Doesn't make sense.

OH! I know! They are trying to tell us that Hotel81 allows us to bring durians in, IS IT IS IT!!! =D

Experiment

Statistics lecturer was teaching us some concept and somehow started to tell us about this subject, or Research Participant, in a Psychology experiment.

The experiment was about some boring computer simulation thing. So there was this subject, she went into her cubicle and started the experiment. A subject would normally take about 30 minutes to finish it. About 40 minutes later she still hasn't come out, so I thought that wah, this person very slow ah! Then 1 hour later she still hasn't come out, so I went in to check on her, see what happened.
When I went in, she looked at me with that scared face *gestures to his face* and said, "The computer won't stop!" *hands mimick pressing 2 buttons on keyboard*. Turns out there was a glitch in the programme so it kept on running.

Anyway she's got a PhD.

So maybe the experiment shows a link between that action and whether or not the person will get a PhD...

I think I'll go get a spoilt computer and lock myself in my room and sit in there for 2 hours. Maybe that will double my chance of getting a PhD. =D

What rubbish. (One is to show a correlation, I took it as a causal relationship.)

alonely

I know I said that being alone does not mean one is lonely. Well, not exactly those words but same intent. Today I really wished that I had somebody to lunch with besides myself. After walking (squeezing) around arts canteen for a while, my mood to eat there dropped drastically. Couldn't find a single seat, for one, and I really didn't want to eat by myself in the midst of so many people with their friends, chatting away. So with the beginnings of gastric creeping upon me, I ended up at Hougang Mall (HM).

I saw Zoe Tay (I think) and some actor whom I cannot recognize, filming at HM. People were crowding behind the crew, watching the filming going on. From afar, you can see there is suddenly a huge crowd at that turning point of that level of HM. Then the crowd thins as it gets further from the (small) filming area, not unlike a bell-tree skewed to the right. I merged into the crowd for a bit to get a glimpse of the actor and actress then managed to convince myself (successfully or not, I'm not sure) that it's not worth it to appear on TV as one of the "kaypohs" in the background. I'm sure they have no lack of that. Oh and if that is really Zoe Tay I saw, she's marvellously thin and... not so tall. Perhaps I was standing too far away to see properly. Anyway most people are taller than me.

You know what that means? A new drama serial is coming up! =D

And I had a nice long walk around the mall, towards home, and a lot of time to myself to think about stuff while eating. It was surprisingly... enjoyable.

Traveller

Read here first.

I have a tutorial in engine. =) *pops champagne* This must be the best thing in the world!

Right. Well I put that slot (that nobody else wanted - I suspect because of the location) as my first option because of the wonderful timing. Now I really spend most of my time outside FASS.

I think I'll go sleep. Maybe it's just a bad dream.

On flying cockroaches

yi zhen says:
anw, roaches fly... I got like a few in my house when I got home

yi zhen says:
I think they flew

yi zhen says:
I 10th storey leh

yi zhen says:
small one

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | stomach still pain | says:
I guess they are light enuf to get carried by the wind

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | stomach still pain | says:
haha

yi zhen says:
alamak

yi zhen says:
you tot angsana seed ah

So clever, angsana seed also brown colour one leh! =)

8am lecture

Skipped lecture, had a marvellous sleep. Missed the crane folding thing below the Central Library. Darn.

Tagged

by YZ. First one on the list somemore.

7 random facts about me:

1) Girl
2) Like playing music
3) Like reading
4) Like blogging
5) In NUS, FASS
6) Reading Psychology
7) Have parents, a brother and a sister.

7 things that scare me:

1) Being sick
2) Insects
3) Being hurt
4) Doing something for the first time, especially on a new job
5) Losing HP
6) Losing notes that I have carefully drawn up and carried around with me for a few days.
7) Exams

7 favourite songs at the moment:

1) Superwoman
2) Breathe (2AM)
3) Jessie paints a picture
4) The Professor
5) The Blower's Daughter
6) Put your head on my shoulder
7) Greatest story ever told

7 things I like most:

1) Playing/listening to music
2) Reading
3) Blogging
4) Relaxing
5) Swimming
6) Running (when I could)
7) Walking

7 people to do this *$##$^* quiz:

1) Pearlin
2) Shuping
3) Jia Ying
4) Ming Zhu
5) Yaoming

er, can't think of anymore people.

Stomach Pain

at intervals. Don't know why. *sigh* Want to just curl up and sleep.

Tutorial balloting

I had 9 available options for my SC tutorial. I couldn't get any one of the 9 bloody slots.

I. Don't. Want. To. Have. A. Tutorial. In. Engine.

Sob. I spend most of my time outside Arts already. Miss home. Mummy...

Conclusion

I realize I'm becoming more slipshod in terms of blogging. In the past, I used to put down in detail everything that is important. Now, I don't find that need anymore. Which is more important - entertaining those who read your blog or recording mundane happenings that only are of interest to you? I started this blog because I wanted to record everything, then later on when there were more people reading it, I started working on the entertaining aspects but even then, it wasn't far away from recording my feelings. Recently I found it much easier to dwell on things in my head. Exposing everything in my life became... I felt very naked.

It struck me that there are a lot of "I"s in recent posts.

Anyway, I was checking out my tracker and realized that one of the referrers was from here. Referred only thrice but I was curious as to why this person would talk about me or if he/she actually linked me. I browsed through his entries and found it. It suddenly occured to me that of all I have blogged about him and me, I have never given it a proper end. There are certain things in that entry that person wrote that aren't accurate. Maybe I should just do a short conclusion kind of thing here, so that there are no unnecessary mistakes. Nothing too detailed, nothing too much. Just the necessities. I've found that I'd like to keep some things to myself.

SH and I met through blogs, met up, went out. However, we were never officially together, so formally it can't be termed as a break-up when things did started to happen. A lot of stuff happened. A lot of confusion, misunderstandings, quarrels, different ideas of "being together", different expectations and finally realizations. That day we talked was on Friday. Walked a long, long way and then started talking. I needed to know what went wrong and what I did inappropriately. I concluded several things, hopefully accurate:

1) I was expecting a lot, am unreasonable, thus resulting in the pressure he felt. Not to mention my temper. =) Yes, I should change that, shouldn't I.
2) He's not ready to commit. Point 2 also led to a number of things, including why he was feeling pressurized and (3).
3) We had different expectations. E.g how many times to meet, when to meet, how (or even the need to) to communicate.
4) I was simply not the one he had in mind.
5) I came in at the wrong time (that's my conclusion).

That's all I will and can say. It sounds as if it's totally his fault, doesn't it? But in any case I wish I wasn't so demanding either. Most of all I really wish we could have talked it out more often, but now I realize that even that itself is a bit difficult to do because at that time it would be difficult to just talk simply, whether or not because I didn't know how to or he didn't want to. But the thing is that he tried to make it work in his own way and I only found out that day. I felt bad for being unreasonable.

Frankly, it was difficult trying to get him out to talk it out on Friday. I ended up being pissed and it was during those SMS-ing him, urging, pleading with him to come out that I... lost heart. It might seem unbelievable, but within a day I stopped liking and missing him intensely, I had stopped hurting inside and had decided to stop hurting myself outside. I felt really good, really released. It was at that point I could fully comprehend the meaning of "beginning to hate a person" and "not wanting to see" him at all. I was... tempted to cancel the meeting, let it be the way it is, not bothering if the seeds of hatred was sowed nor if it grew. But I trusted and believed what Jenny said, that it was essential, that I had to know what went wrong so that in the future I wouldn't (hopefully) do it again. It's a matter of knowing myself. So I went along with it and I'd say it came out great. I understood a lot of things and it's as though a great load has been lifted off my chest.

I don't hate him, hopefully he doesn't either. If this is how things turned out to be, then so be it. I can't do much at this point. Ironically, the thing I can do is to not do anything. Do I still like him? Yes, I still do. But I won't ask him out for lunch anymore. He asked me in an SMS before agreeing to meet up with me, "Will you truly let me go if I meet up with you?" I really didn't know what to say then. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it. Now I can say that I will let him go. Rather, not will, but can let him go. I can finally let go =) and it feels very good. Will I accept another guy again? Yes. What will I do next? Study, of course, what else? Go on with my life... And there is something else that I'll do, something that I have admitted to only one person, but I won't and can't say it here. =) Really, a blog is not private.

Thanks to all my friends for your support! Thanks for putting up with my nonsense.

Wow, this is still a pretty long entry. Cheers!

Interesting modules

Have I mentioned that all the modules I'm taking this semester are modules that are interesting to me?

PL3235 Social Psychology
PL2132 Research and Statistical Methods II
GEK1519 Science and Music
PC1141 Physics I
SC1101E Making Sense of Society

Oh I haven't exactly made up my mind for the last module (that's the one in LT7A). The rest are ok, just that I kind of fell asleep just now while reading through my text for social psychology.

And I woke up this morning to my stomach sniffing quite loudly. Obviously it hasn't recovered after a night's sleep. Flu.

Very small world

I got to know SH through blog, he got recognized, I met up with this guy, and yesterday I spotted him. There are a lot more spotting going on around (including the spots growing on my face) but I shall not mention them.

Singapore is a tiny red dot on the map. NUS is an even smaller dot on Singapore's map. That should explain how we (all) managed to spot each other.

And how come all of the bloggers I met and saw are guys? PLUS, they are all from engineering.

On a sidenote, I've got the beginnings of a stomach flu, I think, and a migraine coming up. Darn.

Baby Blues

Baby Blues comic strip on Thursday, Friday and Saturday found in Life! section of The Straits Times. I found it interesting and this one is a classic example of a difference between men and women:


Sorry for poor photo quality. Difficult to hold hands steady.

On Clubbing

啦~啦~啦 is BL, |MuSiC!~| is me.

啦~啦~啦 says:
I only go there chit chat

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | I will be brave | says:
eh, what chit chat

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | I will be brave | says:
please lor, you mean scream and shout

Today

I'm glad for today and for Jenny's note of me. I'm sorry for the pressure generated from my extreme expectations. Seriously, if we never had this talk, I wouldn't know what went wrong. However even though I know what's wrong, it is still difficult to change. Like what Jenny said, I've become too dependent, which isn't the case in the past. I realize what Pearlin once said is very true for me - when I am alone/single, I am independent. But when there is somebody there for me to lean on, I become very dependent on that person. Is that scary? It's time to find back that independency. In any case I know what to do and I'll do my best in it. And if we never talked today, I would have remained arrogant, to say the least. I don't wish to elaborate on this, though. And ignorant. The latter is pretty self-explanatory.

By the way, not having people to lunch with doesn't mean my circle of friends is small. =P We just have timetable clashes. And I'm very picky about who I lunch with. Ironically, when we pick our modules, I am independent because I don't exactly choose what modules to take with my friends. Turning back to the matter of lunch, I don't see why is it necessary to have to lunch together with somebody. Doesn't eating alone have its benefits as well? No disturbance and can think properly without interruption. Yes, having friends to lunch with is nice when you are in the mood for some chatter and there is usually laughter going around or when you just need to focus your attention elsewhere for a while. However, there is also the need to entertain as well, especially if the people are not close friends. That's why I'm picky about who I lunch with. Bad, isn't it? Alright alright, I'll work on my circle of friends. I guess it's inevitable that I have to make some new friends in NUS. Bleh.

*grumbles* Can't a girl even fantasize about some person or other in peace over lunch?
Hehz, just kidding. =P

Another one...

Yesterday I met Guo Yi at Grinning Gecko outside the Forum. We had a short chat. He's in Chemical Engineering, I think.
Today I met Yihao outside LT26 before PC1141. He was attending a lecture in that LT before my slot.
After Physics lecture I came out and saw another one of my cousin outside. He takes the same module. It feels good to see family in school, furthermore in same module. =)
I was slightly late for SC1101 in LT7A. The moment I entered the LT, I had the impression that I was in some great hall. I like the smell of that place. =) Unfortunately, I think I will catch the webcast instead. Mind was saturated with physics stuff and couldn't concentrate on what the lecturer was talking about, plus I was tired and my stomach was loud. Perhaps I should still pop by that LT once in a while to take in the smell. Almost forgot to mention that I got wet while sitting in there today, and it wasn't because of my water bottle. Let's just say that there were some other reasons besides those listed above for why I wasn't listening to the lecturer (it's the picture of that nude girl. Damn, just thinking about it now makes me wet).

It has been a good 2 days. =D

Heart of steel

Right here, right now, I feel released. I think I might have fallen for the wrong person. What your feelings are towards me now, it is reciprocated. Actually now I think I can understand how he feels not wanting to see me. Frankly, after all those SMSes, I don't either. I don't and probably won't ever ask him out for lunch again either. He'll be happy to know that. It's too tiring to ask him out. It doesn't bother me now. But I know it's crucial that this go through tomorrow. I need to know the facts, hurting or not. Because I will not hurt myself anymore, whether or not emotionally or physically. It was stupid to hurt myself but I know I was escaping. No more.

I will get over him. I WANT to get over him. My friends are right, he is not worth it. I know to him I'm not worth it either.

These are my thoughts now. I hope they won't change drastically tomorrow. I have greater hopes for tomorrow. I hope he will cooperate. It is going to be a tiring day.

Roundness; 2-seater

On Pearlin's MSN nick:

yi zhen says:
pearlin very round before meh

I laughed.
-----------------------------

A 2-seater on a non-airconditoned bus this morning that I was seating behind of (sorry drawing sucks):



You saw that right! The lady kind of "popped" up a bit. Then she turned to look at the person with that look in her eyes. I grinned away. By the way, the age of the young man is about that of an undergraduate.

Yes it happened to me before too but you didn't see this sentence.
-----------------------------

It takes 2 hands to clap.

Jenny helped me to analyze my situation clearly and perfectly, so much so that I had a clear idea in my head and I'm facing up to it again in a way. I've been hiding a lot recently behind a lot of things. Thanks again girl. =)

The doctor

I went to the doctor today. The doctor saw me and told me to sit on the examining bed. "I know what will make you feel better," he says. He takes out a small blade from his drawer. I don't know why it is in there, that blade. He pulls up the right leg of my shorts so that the inner of my thigh is exposed. "Watch," he says. I watch, fascinated. He puts the blade to my thigh and draws a line across. Blood flows out as the line is drawn. I watch as the bad of me drains away, the part of me I can't control. I know it is in that horrible redness. "Thank you. I feel better already," I say. The doctor tells me to go back whenever I want.

I tell people I'm crazy, but nobody believes me. I'm scared of being alone and lonely but why can I be lonely even when there are people around me? Sometimes I lose complete control of myself. Inside. I'm raging. I turn to the comfort of physical pain for a little while. The distraction is short but it is welcomed. Best of all, there aren't even scars to show for it, just a lasting stinging. The inner thighs are best I suppose, where you can conceal any mark with shorts or pants or skirts. The position is a tiny bit awkward if you use nails but because the place is tender, it's great for the pain as well - greater impact with lesser force. Me, I prefer my arm. What have I become? I don't quite bother, as long as I feel good for a while, somewhere else to concentrate on, the pain becoming a focus, controlling my breathing - it's the centre of my world for a while. This is pain I can control, hurt I can inflict. Pain that feels relatively better and easier to handle than what I am experiencing.

But me

Me: If I say that I've been with another guy, will you be jealous?
Him: Neutral
Him: You go ahead with another guy lah
Him: Really

I don't want to be with another guy besides him. I think I'm stupid. Sometimes the simplest wishes are the most difficult to fulfill. Told myself countless times that it's going to be alright, that there are other guys out there.

But after him, I'm damn scared. I really don't dare to like another person seriously and I can't get him out of my mind.

I don't know what I'm doing, confessing to him again just after a nice lunch and chat. *shrug* Pathetic. Told you I'm easy to break, easy to hurt and easy to play around with. My friend says I shouldn't be doing this. Sorry, I can't control. I like him I like him I like him I still like him a lot a lot. My cousin says he's not worth it. I don't care. I still like him and I only want him. My friend says there will be many others out there. I don't know if any one of them is for me. Maybe there won't be one for me. Because only he appreciated what he sees in me. Nobody has ever done that before. I'm ordinary, more than ordinary, very ordinary, more than very ordinary, but he made me feel very special. Then I realize that yes, he does deserve somebody else better than me. Anybody but me.

But me.

I don't like the internet.

Lessons learnt today

1) Always check the "Sent messages" of my handphone.

2) Always trust my intuition.

3) Never, ever eat pasta again unless absolutely necessary.

Quote from YZ's blog

I like what YZ said in her latest entry, so I'll quote it here:

Reverse Psychology. Freaky how people exploit that. Never fails to make me think I'm the one in the wrong.

Responsibility's a HEAVY word. It freaks me out just thinking what one shoulders with that one word.

FAILURE's a nasty, and irksome word.
I admit, I hate to fail. IT SUCKS TO FAIL, and I don't want to.
The saying goes, if you fail, try and try again. But really, how many times can we try?
Possible with relation to certain matters, and near to impossible with others.

Some sights you failed to notice, they'll never appear again.
Some words you failed to hear, no one will speak it again.

How true, isn't it? And what she says of these words:

What crap I've typed. It's the exam blues hitting.
Just really afraid =s

Sometimes pressure really gives one the inspiration.

Social Psychology; Family of Psychologists?

I am amazed at what Social Psychology is. A lot of things that social psychologists do I realize that we have been doing already. Taking situations into account for how a person behaves. If you take only a person's personality into account for how he behaves and not the social situation & environment, then you might have been making a very big mistake in predicting the reason why the person acted the way he/she did. In fact if you do that, you are a personality psychologist. Interesting, isn't it?

I almost always take the social situation into account for the person's behaviour. Look, a person can be both nice and horrible, depending on the social situation and how the person in question views the situation (yes, you can go examine why he views the situation the way he does), resulting in his end behaviour.

I like Social psychology a lot indeed. (Except for the fact that I lost my large eraser in the first lecture for this module.)

And I'm elated that JY managed to transfer to Psychology from business in NTU. =) Congrats, girl! Celebrate some day? Now we have 3 persons (all cousins, whether by blood or marriage) in the family reading Psychology.

I have an odd feeling that my brother will take up a course relating to Physics in University.

Worried

for reasons I won't state.

Today at school

It felt different going to school this semester. Last semester I fell asleep on the bus on the way to school, this semester I was wide awake throughout. Wide awake and painfully aware of the small-but-strong-air-con on the bus blowing it's breath at me and my wet hair.
Well, everything's different anyway, so I suppose it's alright. Tried desperately not to look like a freshman today. Succeeded 80%. 10% failure because of my clothes, 10% failure because of how I acted on ISB and at Science. Coincidentally met KQ at the bus-stop today. Also coincidentally he had been to LT26 before. "Idiot-proof" is his comment on the route from the bus-stop to the LT. I think I'm worse than an idiot because I almost got lost if not for the fact that I simply took the route which is less crowded and for that huge sign saying "LT26" that I chanced upon. If not, I have a feeling I would have ended up somewhere in the depths of the faculty.
I looked around at the people gathered outside the LT and wondered why they are all here instead of inside. I remember my first literature lecture at arts, everybody was outside too. Common for first-years, I guess - insecurity and uncertainty about where to go, but at least most of them had somebody there with them. So I stepped into the LT, absorbed the atmosphere, started climbing the stairs to take a seat and started mummuring, whether I said it out loud or in my head I can't remember, Oh my god, this is how the LT looks like. OMG, physics. Shit, I think I'm like the only arts student here, I'm beginning to regret this, I should drop the module, blend in blend in with the walls, don't look at me, don't look at me. Only problem is that I'm bright pink today. I slid silently onto one of the seats. And I realize that the seats are WOODEN! The table is one whole stretch across the entire row and is also WOODEN! I was intrigued at the tables and chairs. =) It was gorgeous! At that moment I was comparing between Science and FASS's LTs, the latter of which are all individual seaters and nicely cushioned. I wondered if FASS was given priority in this, but then I realize there is a sink in front. Of course, this is science, must have demonstration of some sort. Chemistry or biology or something that requires the desks to be this way. Actually it makes no sense but let's just accept my explanation, ok? OK! And there are LTs in Science that have cushioned seats.
I've always been intrigued at how Physics lecturers are always able to perform some 'trick' or other that we as students find it difficult to perform perfectly. In AJC, my physics teacher Mr Sng once showed us a demonstration where he distorted a clothes hanger so that it has a diamond shape, after which he held it upside down so that the hook is facing upwards and then he placed a coin on the hook (that itself I'm already amazed) and then he proceeded to swing the hanger around his finger in a circular motion with that coin never falling off! Several boys in my class tried it during tutorial later on but never quite succeeded. Then today, AP Chung proceeded to 'chop'/break a piece of plank with a piece of paper on top to 'hold' the plank down. I can't quite figure out how he did it. It was a clean break. Several guys went up to try later on but they didn't quite do it. In fact I think it hurt their hands. That lecturer just did it as if he's breaking a stick of Pocky. I therefore conclude that you need to have special skills in order to become a physics lecturer or to teach physics, if not you will probably end up nursing an injured arm or hand or foot or whatever it is that you were using in a live demonstration.
I sat on that wooden chair (am still amazed that it's wooden) and listened attentively. Halfway through I was tempted to drop the module there and then because he mentioned something about differentiation, integration and differential equations. Must have been because my brother keep asking me how to do A-level math question that I heard wrongly. I think my face twisted into some unrecognizable thing when I heard it. I THOUGHT I WAS OVER THAT IN THE As ALREADY! I thought I was never going to ever ever touch differentiation or integration again! I thought I was SAFE! Damn, apparently not. Have to go relearn everything again. Integration somemore, one of my weakest topic.
By the way, there are some students from other faculties too but I strongly believe I was the only FASS student there. Sigh. C'mon, not like I'm not used to taking modules on my own already. Besides, any questions I can post in the forum and I'm sure to get a response there. Ok, breathe! In, out! In, out! =D Machiam giving birth.

Lecture ended and I left to return to FASS, taking the new ISB D, trying again desperately not to look like a freshman while on the bus and walking the corridors of Arts. It felt amazingly marvellous to be back in my own faculty after this morning. Comforting. Nice to breathe in the air at FASS again, though technically speaking it's all the same air.

Until I saw the also equally amazingly crowded canteen.

As usual.

I went from being happy to irritated within a matter of nanoseconds. Not to mention that I was still trying desperately to not look like a freshie. Ok, time to tell you all why I feel like a freshie. Because I wore sports shoes and only freshies wear sports shoes. ALRIGHT, with long pants and (bright) pink polo tee. I SOUND like a freshie. Happy? Good! Now tell me I sound normal in that attire.
I actually met my cousin JX, his girlfriend and their friend there so it was nice to not have lunch alone for today. It's a different feeling when you lunch with your family, more relaxed and at home. I realized that I'm feeling quite at home in Arts already. The first thing I bought was chicken rice. =P Some people should know I'm obsessed with chicken rice, especially the one at school.
Supposed to meet this freshie to sell him my book but he conveniently disappeared. That idiot. Never pick up my call or reply my SMSes. I just decided that I will not sell my book to him (or her). Irresponsible person, make me bring my book for nothing and ended up with a super heavy bag since I also met another girl to buy a book from her. Am reminded of last semester when he was there to carry that psychology book for me, this semester I have to carry that book myself... But I digress. Anyway I stayed till quite late in school, photocopying books and trying to decide if I should buy some books.

Tomorrow's lecture at science again. I like being busy sometimes, keep my mind off stuff.

Sniffing

Sniffed the bag I brought to MoS all over, searching for that smell of cigarette smoke, wanting to know that I really went and is not a dream.
A little scent left on the inside of the opening of the bag. I feel comforted. I think I need to go there again soon.

Scared scared

I should be the only FASS student in LT26 tomorrow. Don't even know where is LT26. Shrink this small so that they won't notice me. Hopefully I don't make any terrible, silly mistake tomorrow like how I usually do when I'm in a new place.

First lecture of the new semester is not even in my own faculty. A bit scared. =(
Ok, so maybe this much more scared. Frankly, I don't feel like going to school or stepping into science faculty. I know nobody there who's close enough to take me around or coach me in physics. Don't even know if I will have anybody to discuss the questions with, or if I can cope with it.

Any support please? I'm just... alone. Haiz. Is there anybody from science who can help me clarify some administrative matters? Utterly confused about its labs and tutorials and when or where to ballot for them...

Kids nowadays...

A kid onboard the NE MRT line was reading "A guide to solving problem sums" with as much concentration as one reading a storybook.

Another kid outside the MRT station was reading a 3-inch thick storybook.

I remember when I was their age, I was reading Enid Blyton which were at most 1-inch thick. Don't know is I stupid or they smart.
And future parents, please teach your kids to know how to make a proper phone call and how to receive one POLITELY.

Oh that's (maybe) me. Right.

Kissing

I was searching the web for something when I chanced upon these 2 pictures, teaching the proper way to kiss. Here, if you all can see:

Simple kiss

French kissing

Originally on this site. If cannot see just click on the picture to see enlarged version (hopefully).

mmMm, I miss kissing. Darn, seeing this makes me want to do it now.

FREE

So I hid myself in the toilet and I cried silently. I close my eyes at night before I fall asleep and I cry to myself.

Have I mentioned how good it feels to be free? I want to be FREE!

Siu Hang I hate you. I hate you so much. I don't care who I'm hurting. I want to inflict hurt. I want to not hurt anymore! I just want my pathetic life before meeting you back! I don't want to cry anymore! I don't want to keep wanting to die or keep thinking that physical pain is better. I know it's stupid, what I'm writing, but I don't care! I want to go back. I don't care when. Whenever there is no pain. When there is only happiness. I can't take it anymore. Why did I do what I do...

What/who

I'm hiding again. So nice. Pushing it down is easier.
I'm not who I was. I don't even know who I am now. Sometimes I come out and remind myself for a bit that this is not how I'm supposed to be, but it doesn't matter. What's important is how others see me and how I deal with it. I won't stray much though, I think. Just enough.

Very frustrated

I am very very very very very very very very frustrated with the whole lab and tutorial thing. I know nuts about it. I'm beginning to think that I'm crazy to even consider it at all.

Beginning of an addiction...?

Admist all that cigarette smoke, drunk people and loud music with its pounding beat...

I sat, stood, closed my eyes. All around is that strong beat. The same beat and smell that made me feel nauseous in the beginning, after a while felt wonderful. I didn't have to think about anything except that music, that rhythm. Nobody would notice me amongst those people. Nobody would know what I was doing. I was small, drowning, taken control of.

When I left, I felt miraculously cleansed. As if all my desires are washed away with that simple drink, senses pounded back into me by that strong beat. Even the smoke was wonderfully intoxicating. I have never thought I would feel good inside that place. I've never even liked the idea of clubbing.

Yet even before I left MoS at 1am, I was already planning to go back in another day, already marking NUS Arts Bash in my mental calendar.

During JC

I was steaming my noodles and I forgot all about it. Almost burned the pot.

Very bad complexion and forgetful mind. Darn, I feel lousy.

I remember when I was in AJ my PD tutor, Mrs Alice Teo, would call any of us a loser (especially the guys). She had no inhibition when it came to correcting our views or stands quite violently. She loved the girls in the class, though. Always said that we were cute. It was really just our luck that we got one of the strictest/fiercest/nicest teacher, and really her luck that she got one of the slackest class (probably) in her whole teaching career. Heck, the first couple of days I was in AJ, the school was announcing some class that had full attendance for the whole 2 years or something like that and Mrs. Alice Teo was the PD tutor of that class. I think I was hoping not to get that teacher and thought that it was crazy how a class can have full attendance for 2 years. Well, sometimes you get the opposite of what you wish for.

She tried very hard to instill that sense of discipline in us. Trying to train us so that we are on par with the 01 or 02 classes that she taught in the past and presently. It was... stressful. In another more serious class, it would have broken us, I guess. But in my class, hehz, our playful nature and ability to look at the funny side of all things kind of protected us. We were one class she never managed to rein in. She even said that not all of us would make it to university and it would be her first class in all her years of teaching that not everybody would make it to university. I think she was right though I never checked with everybody. She has an uncanny ability on spotting who would make it or who would not. Most of the time she was right.

My class is a class with mixed subject combination, meaning we initially had people with both 4As and 3As. I was one of those 4As. A lot of us were. Then by the end of the first year, a lot of us had dropped one subject. In fact, Mrs. Teo was the one who encouraged us to do so. I dropped chemistry, though I scored an A in that and a B in physics. I hated chemistry. I remember sitting at the back of the LT, with Jeremy behind me and we would be playing around with his mp3 player or something. Poor Jenny (superbly smart girl) beside me was disturbed and trying very hard not to giggle. I think even the lecturer noticed us. So embarrassing. Yar, was a bit rebellious then. So I gladly dropped chemistry. My physics class went from 5 girls and most (or was it all) guys in my class, to 2 girls (Jenny and I) and the rest guys. Oh I was good in Physics (not eating the humble pie, huh), but I still think guys are better. =) My class anyway. I was scoring Bs constantly throughout my 2 years and I just could not break that barrier to A no matter how I tried. Some of the guys on the other hand, took A so bloody easily. Now, I forgot everything I've learnt and I suck at physics.

Oh the only other people who took the same combination as me in the class were 2 guys, Jeremy and Joseph, so we had most of our breaks together. Studying with them was infuriating. Don't know why I was nagging them to study either. Once I even lost my temper and walked out of the study room.

Really, I kind of miss 21/03 and my JC.

Flirting

Conversation with Beni over MSN went something like this. Not exact.

Me: Argh! The guy I flirt with is not online! Damn! (Yes, you, go gloat over it!)
Beni: haha...
Beni: Why are you doing this?
Me: What?
Beni: Flirting.
Me: *shrug*
Me: Help me forget... Ease the pain a little... It's quite fun too.
Beni: Well, if it helps you...
Me: hehz.. Yes, it does...
Me: Why? Is it very weird? That I don't usually do this?
Beni: I don't know... haha... You surprise me everyday.
Me: haha.. Is that good or bad?
Beni: Depends on how you look at it.

I have a feeling that my friends find this action of mine disturbing. No worries ok! =)

Metrosexual Me

Looking for clothes, accessories, shoes but no idea where to find?

Check out this blog - Metrosexual Me - for recommendations of shops both online and offline. For both ladies and men. =) I found it quite interesting. Enjoy.

Finally

It's odd that the person who teaches me about army stuff is the one person I hardly know. I'm grateful for that. Thanks. =)

Happy National Day!

Happy 41st National Day!!

May there be many many more! =)

All I could think of..

Red and white flags, fireworks, mediacorp actors and actresses, 50,000 audience, participants, singers, performances, 24 contingents in Singapore National Stadium.

So much cheering, so many memories, so many people concentrating on what doing what they are supposed to do in the celebration, whether or not they are part of the choir, performers or in the contingents.

Sitting at home in front of the TV, all I could think of is how smart the soldiers look in their uniforms, especially the green ones, and how it would feel to have sex with one of them, uniform and all.

Photos

(Two) More photos from XMS's musical night on 3rd august:

X-winds cam-whoring before musical itself. We took so many group photos I lost count and got tired of smiling.

Pearl, LY, me, YM

I'm cute?!

=D
I find it funny that another guy said that I'm cute. This time without ever seeing me in person. Photos lie, darling.

Anyway it was fun flirting with him. The Internet allows me to be able to reach out and have a bit of fun, yet still be safe enough.

*grin*
I love it.

test test

testing, testing... ignore this post, i'm just trying to see if i can recall all 301 posts wif blogger when they only give me the option of "300 out of everything" as the maximum.

Knowing my country!

My mom's company has a competition where staff can fill out a questionnaire titled Know Your Country, Singapore, and they stand to win $41. I scanned the questions quickly.

1) On 29th January 1819, ___________ landed on the island of Singapore after having surveyed other nearby islands.
.
.
3) During World War II, Singapore was conquered and occupied by the Japanese Empire from ______ to _______.
.
.
.
6) The four official languages of Singapore are ______ .....

Well, everything looks fine, so I look on downwards and read the next question.
.
.
.

I stopped and re-read it again, then I stopped and started laughing. Admist questions on history and the Singapore flag is this:

7) Smoking in public buses, the MRT, taxis, lifts and air-conditioned places deemed against the law, with fines up to S$______.

=D Knowing my country indeed!

By the way, the answer for question 7 should be $1,000. Now we know.

Question

Can a person really be famous/well-known/popular and yet not arrogant?

Lower Primary Sports Day

I am 19 turning 20 and today I attended H.I.P.S. Lower Primary sports day.

I'm glad to say that:

1) The cheering of the kids were as loud as I had remembered when I was young,
2) Olivia's in the same house as I was when I was in that school which is Green house (now also named "Kestral"),
3) Green house cheered the loudest,
4) Green house has, as usual, won the championship. Yes, it was also the case during my school time.

The only 2 disappointing things are that:

1) I couldn't hear much cheering from other houses. A great disappointment as compared to memories of my primary school sports days when each house would cheer so loudly we could hear the other house way at the other end of the sports stadium. It was darn exciting. Perhaps I remembered my upper primary sports days instead.
2) Olivia and her friend, for a (very) short period of time (before I chased her to sit futher away), was sitting beside me and cheering very enthusiastically. And loudly too. VERY loudly indeed.

Then we had chocolate chip ice-cream and headed home.

I like sports days. =)

Looking at yourself

It is easy to right click on a nick on MSN and then click Block. How do one block memories about something?

We've all read some self-help material about How to improve your lives and the such. It doesn't even have to be from books, it can be from friends or those around you. One thing I remember very clearly is to Always love yourself because nobody will love ourselves more than us. It didn't seem much of a problem for me. Love myself. Heck, it's easy! I thought.

Last night I stood in front of the mirror and looked at the person reflected. What was outside didn't seem like what I was inside at that time. I couldn't explain. At that moment I hated myself. Hated every blemish on my skin, hated what was inside me, hated my acting... I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror or look into my own eyes. I couldn't wait to get away.

This morning there was nothing wrong with looking at myself in the mirror. This afternoon I looked again and commanded myself to hate that face. Something welled up inside me. Now I can't imagine why would I want to hate myself.

Perhaps I'm thinking too much, yes?

Stories

As my mum was doing facial for me this afternoon, my sister was in the same room, telling us some story. Red indicates what Olivia said, blue is what the characters say, black is my narration, green is my mom or I. It went something like this:

Let me tell you all a story ok! Ok.

Once upon a time there were 7 sisters. *Has 7 barbie dolls on my brother's study desk* "Let's go for a picnic!" says one.
"OK!" replies the others.
"Let's wear our shoes!"
"But first, I have my ballet lesson to go to!" Says one of them.
"OK! Let's bring her to her ballet lesson first. After that, we shall have our picnic!"
"But first, we must wear our shoes!" (I started to laugh, with my mother still squeezing my blackheads because she kept on saying "shoes")
"OK!" *she proceeds to fits the 7 barbies with their shoes. However, because it takes some time to put on the shoes for 7 barbie dolls and she has to keep telling the story, she starts mummuring to herself about the shoes*
I will wear my office shoes.
Aiya, this shoe cannot, don't fit leh.
Ah, this one can!
.
.
.
Apparently after she has fitted all 7 with the shoes, the barbies have forgotten that one of them has to go to ballet lesson (my sister has forgotten about it) and they go out for a picnic. According to her, the picnic is at night and they are in a cave.

A young man walk by and sees them. (I assume she has the male barbie doll in her hand now. I couldn't see, I was lying down.)
"Maybe I should go and talk to them," he thought.
So he did!
(At this point she starts telling us that he ask their names ok? Because I haven't talked about that.)
He walks into the cave.
"Hello, what is your name..."
Skip this one, skip, skip, skip, skip to the easiest one, the princess! (Because she hasn't thought of names for the rest, I suppose. My mom and I started laughing really hard for this which made my pimple really hard to squeeze.) What?! Why are you laughing?
Mom says, "No, I never laugh. Is she," referring to me, "laughing." I giggled away. My sister continues...
"Hello, what is your name?"
"My name is Flora."
"Oh, I see, Flora."
"Hello, what is your name? Ow! "Kok" my head..." (I think she accidentally knocked the male doll's head somewhere. I started giggling again.)
What?! Why are you laughing? I say "kok", you also laugh! (She was starting to giggle herself. After a while she continued her story.)
"Will you all come out of the cave?" He asked.
"Ok!" The barbies say.
(There is a knocking sound.) "Ow! "Kok" my head again..." (I started to laugh really badly.)
What?! Laugh for what!
"How many of you are there? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8."
"Eh... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Eh! Really leh, 8!" (Haha, another sister just popped out!)

After that my mom asked her to go shower so barbies and male doll were left alone on the desk, in the imaginary dark, late at night... *winks*

----------------------------
My sister didn't really know the story of Sleeping Beauty so I was trying to tell it to her but I couldn't recall parts of the story.

1) How many fairies were invited? Was it 3 or were there more? What were their names?
2) Was it a wicked witch of wicked fairy or what that appeared in the palace and cursed the little princess?
3) How did the wicked-whatever appear? Just *poof*? Or did she barge in the door? Were there any signs that she was coming? Like room darkening etc. Did the king and queen knew that there is a possibility that the wicked-whatever would appear, uninvited?
4) What exactly did the last fairy say to counter the wicked-whatever's curse?
5) For confirmation, in the forest, did the princess meet the prince whom she fell in love with? Did they fall in love before she fell into That Deep Sleep?
6) How did the wicked-whatever lure Aurora to the spinning wheel? Where was she lured to? How did she convince Aurora to touch the spindle?
7) When Aurora fell into a deep sleep, what happened? Did the good fairies set out to find her? How did they find her? Where? In what position?
8) Did they put her in the palace, in her bed? Why?
9) Is the prince who kissed Aurora awake, a local? How come he didn't fall asleep too?
10) Is the prince who kissed Aurora awake the same prince whom Aurora fell in love with? In the first place, did Aurora meet a prince in the forest? I distinctly remember she did.
11) How long did the prince take before he heard the news and came to rescue her?
12) What happened in the end besides "happily ever after"? Did the wicked-whatever die?

And some of my own questions:

1) Why did the king and queen send Aurora to the forest to live when they could have told her about the curse? When she understands, she would be able to resist the wicked-whatever's attempts to get her to touch the spindle on a spinning wheel, right?
2) Did the princess ever try to escape to see what is outside the forest? What about people who came into the forest? Surely they would have seen her? Did they know that the princess is sent to the forest? What did the king and queen tell their people (or did they need to?) about the princess's disappearance?
3) Did the wicked-whatever know about it? Wouldn't she have kept a lookout for the whereabouts of this princess? Wouldn't the excuses of the king and queen regarding the princess' disappearance have reached the ears of the wicked-whatever? She would surely have gone to search for the princess as soon as she heard it, wouldn't she? Did she?
4) Why did the good fairies put Aurora in the palace? I mean, she would be extremely disoriented when she awakens, right? Or maybe it would be easier to take care of all those sleeping in the palace as well as Aurora if they are all in the same place.
5) Why did the fairies make vines grow all over the palace? Wouldn't it be difficult for the prospective "rescuer" to enter and break the spell? Or did I forget some part of the fairy tale?
6) Did Aurora have bad breath after being asleep for so long? Did the prince taste or smell anything of that sort when he kissed her and was he repulsed if he did? Or did the fairies' magic eliminated any such possibility?
7) By the time the prince kissed Aurora, how old were they? More importantly, if it is the same prince whom Aurora met in the forest, how old is their age difference if he didn't sleep and time still goes on for him?
8) Did they really live "happily ever after"? Were there any quarrels over domestic matters, how the country was to be run, political matters, if the 2 countries (if the prince is from another country) are to be joined as one etc.
9) Did Aurora love her biological parents as much as her fairy godmothers? Was it difficult for her to do so after so many years?
10) Did she have problems adjusting to the royal life?

That's about all, I suppose. Do comment! =)

Oh one more question:
11) Why was the wicked-whatever so meddlesome? If she didn't get invited isn't it obvious that people don't like her and there is something wrong with her? She should have go gotten some self-help book.

Oh dear, fairy tales seem to have so many loopholes. I think I just punctured a few more in them. Sorry to those who have fond recollections of fairy tales. Especially this one in particular.

Cheers!

Acronyms for FASS

I really don't like to say this but ...

Ok, let me first show you all a letter from the Department of Psychology (pay attention to the bolded words):

Dear Students

For the coming round of CORS,

(1) priority for the following modules will be given to ARS3 students:

PL3232 Biological Psychology
PL3233 Cognitive Psychology
PL3234 Developmental Psychology
PL3235 Social Psychology
PL3236 Abnormal Psychology
PL3244 Adolescent Psychology

ARS2 students will be able to access the remaining places in the above modules with effect from Round 1C (under Code 27 Unrestricted Elective Outside Major).

(2) PL328x (Lab modules) will only be opened to ARS3 students.

(3) Level-4000 and Level-5000 modules will only be opened to SOC4 students (i.e. Honours Year students).

Note:

If you are supposed to be in a particular year but your student status shows that you are one year behind, and as a result could not select a module for bidding (For example, if you are supposed to be in your third year of study but your status shows ARS2, you will not be able to access those modules that are open to ARS3 students only.), you could send an appeal to our Department via CORS in Round 0 and let us know which module you want to select.

Thank you.

Department of Psychology
NATIONAL UNIVERSITY OF SINGAPORE
Blk AS6 Level 3, 11 Law Link,
Singapore 117570

The letter is perfectly informative, detailed and grammatically correct. I just couldn't help noticing that besides that the term "FASS" can be broken down into "Faculty of ASS", we are also termed as "ARS" (1), (2) or (3). If you don't get it, try saying out the word "ARS". It kinds of irks me. Much as I enjoy shitting/sitting, I really don't like to be named after my bottom. Besides, there are a few hundred students in each level and we are all named either "ARS1" "ARS2" or "ARS3". Isn't that a little too general? I tried coming up with different names for FASS's students below but they aren't too great.

Firstly it HAS to revolve around "arts & social sciences". I am using year 1 for simplicity sake.

1) Arts & Social Sciences 1 : ASS 1 X
2) Arts & Social Sciences 1 : AS1 (erm, probably, but it still sounds gross)
3) Arts & Social Sciences 1 : ARSS1 X (this is downright horrible! As if saying we have more than one bottom!)

Ok, my list kind of ran dry after this. Then I started thinking that perhaps we should split "Arts" and "Social Sciences" up. After all, you either major in an "arts" subject, or a "social science" subject. So how about,

1) Arts 1 : A1 (sounds good! It's like a blessing for you to get good grades! Even better, you get to be "A" during your 3 or 4 years in NUS!)
Social Sciences 1 : SS1 (ain't too bad either, is it? =) We can't have S1 because firstly, science students are already holding that, and secondly, if you try saying out "S1", it ain't much better from saying "ARS1". Nothing against the science students or faculty, please.)

2) Student of Arts 1 : SOA1
Student of Social Sciences 1 : Either SOS1 or SOSS1 (personally I like SOS better. Hehz.)

Anyway don't they all sound better than what we have now? ARS(E) indeed! I thought my faculty is supposed to be better in terms of language! (And yes, the idea of acronyms is taught in EL1101E.)

Better

Ok, I feel better already. Sorry for all that emotional stuff though I still wish I can have a normal conversation with him soon.

Cheers!

Odd dream last night

Do you know what it feels like to be lost? I typed that title above then I stared at the screen for 10 full seconds. So much confusion inside me I don't know how to put down. I stood up, went to the toilet to wash up. Washed my face, cleaned my spectacles, walked to the kitchen, drank a glass of water. Came back and typed. Monotony.

I wish he'd come back and start tagging again. It feels horrible inside. So bad I wish he'd come back and say it's all his fault. I wish somebody else would take the blame, that I can push it all away. And then? Perhaps it wouldn't be much help but at least I'd feel better. It just feels so bad, dying seems much better. I'm jealous that he can live his life so well, without thinking about this. How can he do it? I hate it. I hate myself. I hate it all. I thought after her incident I can put this feeling behind me forever. No, it comes back, stronger, taunts me, tease me, telling me I am still only a weakling. Does anybody understand? It feels so bad inside. So bad so that physical pain is better.

I know all of this ranting doesn't do much good. It'd only push him further away. But I can't help it! Channel my energies somewhere... Ha! Why don't nobody understand!

I'm really quite lost here. Ha. Can you don't just walk away and leave me in the middle of nowhere?

Not like he'd come back and talk to me unless it's about school stuff. Whatever. I'm just talking rubbish.

Admit

I'll admit. I still miss him loads.

He said I'll grow stronger. I'll grow stronger? I don't know about that. It's been some time since I've found the need to hurt myself physically.

The simplest way to hurt really doesn't have to be blades. Teeth and nails work wonders.

I don't think he's reading this space so I don't know what I'm hiding from either or why.

It would be really funny if I graduated with Honours in Psychology but am not able to help myself, isn't it?

Ha.

Bad bad bad bad... Feels so bad... Don't know what I'm doing. Know what I should do... but so difficult... I hate this. Give it to me.

GEK or PL?

I know I said that I would have to take modules that are 1 point but I really want to take GEK1519 Science of Music since I got outbidded for one of my psychology module and there are no vacancies left for the next round. Zero. Nought. Kosong.

One tiny drawback. *grin* GEK1519 costs 600 plus general points.

I could take GEK1519 and have a 5 day week, but which would ease my workload for the semester because there are no exams for this module (taking into consideration my physics module), or I could go on with another psychology core module and have a 4 day week. Suggestions?

Last night at Kallang Theatre

Last night was XMS's musical at Kallang Theatre. When we stepped into the Orchestra pit, LY was saying that it looked darn familiar and we wondered if it was the same place we played in when we were in secondary 1 or 2 for XMS's musical at that time. If it really was, it'd be sweet because it's hard to imagine that about 5 years later I would be back at the same place, playing for the same school. However, I was adamant that we played in Victoria Theatre and not Kallang since I don't recall having ever seen this theatre before. After a while LY asked a question which made me want to fall over (because it was both funny and true), Do all orchestra pits look the same? To which Pearlin replied, Yes! They all look the same!

X-winds spent an entire hour in the changing room waiting for interval time when we would finally make our entrance. Believe it or not, every single person in the room was cam-whoring. Amazingly, the entire band even cam-whored together. Even more amazingly, despite the fact that I took quite a number of photos, none of them are with my own camera so none of the photos are with me. =P Here are two with SP though:

SP and me

Yes, I was looking somewhere else and I dont' know why SP keeps saying that she's ugly.

Here is our band in the changing room, warming up after dry run, before the actual thing:

The room's quite large. Yes yes I know it's weird warming-up in the changing room when we're supposed to be changing inside and no the males and females don't actually change together in that room, darlings.

(Veering away for a little bit... I can still taste that damn alcohol. It tastes so bad it makes me want to puke.)

The thing itself was alright. Like I said, I've practically lost quite a bit on the art of hearing so I can't tell a thing. Besides the orchestra pit is so small it's difficult to hear any balance from where I'm standing. I don't suppose the audience can really tell if we're good or bad as long as we sound really high in our music (which we did). The new (old) principal, Mrs whose-name-slipped-my-mind-at-the-moment gave us all thumb-ups at the end of the musical when we were playing while the audience filed off. I caught her eye and smiled at her slightly while she nodded back at me. Thought it was very nice of her to do that, give us thumb-ups. However, us playing till the end was really weird because I was so not used to playing to an audience who didn't so much as pay attention to us as to the ants on the carpet when we finished the piece, so no clapping. They sure were busy filing out.

Oh I saw my literature teacher! He didn't spot me though. And I saw Ms Mazna! She didn't spot me either, I think. And we saw Kwan Hwee! He was in his army uniform and his face is tons better. Other than that he still looks the same though older. He feels a bit awkward when he sees us though, probably because we haven't seen each other in a while and I think erm... I think I'll skip that. Anyway us 3 girls and him chatted for a mere (very long) 2 minutes and he left, only to see Alvin behind. I last saw Alvin leaning over and scrutinizing something on his collar or something. *sigh* I still know nuts about army and I wish somebody, anybody will teach me.

Pearl almost got her foot crushed. Luckily her reaction was fast enough. I almost flared up at everybody. Luckily I controlled it. It's nice to have friends who care and a junior who is very responsible. Almost every batch there is somebody like that.

So many people want to quit X-winds. Don't, please. We (in a way) set it up, don't let it fall just because of misunderstandings or because of a couple of people. If we all leave because of those, alumni band will surely fall. I believe we can keep it going. We've got enough passion for playing music to overlook the negative things, haven't we?

Taste, please

mmhmm... Let me have a little taste please.

-------------------
What was the alcoholic drink I got again? Long Island. It sucks. Really badly. I still have the taste at the back of my tongue and my stomach don't feel too good. Maybe I really shouldn't have had roti prata before drinking.

*giggles*

Losing it

My heart is beating very fast now. I'm going to lose it very soon.

With each passing day I feel myself slipping further. I find it increasingly difficult to control myself, differentiate between imagination and reality. I crossed the line today when I asked ZH to lend me his shoulder for a while. When I lifted my head off his shoulder, I realized something is wrong. I'm taking something only imagined inside me and acting it out. I'm obeying my darkest desires. That was only the first step. I know that it won't be long soon before I really lose it.

My mind. I don't have control over it.

Everything is a blur. I want to hide somewhere where nobody can find me. I laugh but I don't laugh. I see but I don't see. It's so easy to fake nowadays. I can't breathe properly and there's something pressing against my throat. It feels so bad. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm losing something.

Now I just push it back down. This horrible sensation. Down, down, deep deep down. I can feel its presence down there. It feels so bad, so bad, so bad so bad so bad so bad.

Library

I'm off to meet LY. Heading down to Kallang Theatre for performance. LY's going to the library to borrow some books first, though.

*beep beep*
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How stupid can I get man. I forgot to bring my library card!

HAHA =D Smart girl. Cham, laughed too hard. Need to shit. Bye.

epilate

mmhmmm....

sigh, time for the epilator, I guess.

Chat with JY

I met up with JY at 8.15pm just now. That is today. I mean yesterday.. Or is it today... Anyway we were chatting quite happily about anything and everything.

Really, NTU's going to start school next week (for her) and she still doesn't have a clue about anything! Then again, everything will be explained at the orientation on Monday, so she needn't have worried, actually. In her own words, "everything will fall into place". I don't blame her for not knowing anything or for being anxious. I didn't know anything either until I heard stuff from my cousins, who also happen to be my seniors. So now I'm her cousin (as always) and also her senior (in a neighbouring university). She actually knows quite a lot of things already, given that school hasn't started, such as knowing that orientation is on monday (although she didn't know the attire) and where to find her timetable online. We were puzzled over what she was searching online this whole time when she didn't find out that she has an NTU email account, or that there is a student portal named "Adventure".

We talked about transport fee hikes, flexibility of education system and somehow ended up talking about aliens (or not) and different dimensions (where time, space and something-else don't exist. What is that something-else? I can't remember. Do any of you?)

JY said that she feels that I have changed. Is it? How? I asked. You are more... She can't find the word for it. Kai fang (open-minded)? To sexual things..? I asked. Yes.. Perhaps more.. liberal, she said. I nodded and replied, Somehow, last semester opened my eyes. She said that she is afraid that she will change for the worse, seeing how I am now. You think I will become bad? She asked. I stared at her and shook my head violently. No! You are one of those who will sit there and say "No" and refuse to move if you don't feel like it. We laughed. Is it stubborness? Is it good or bad? She asked. I considered for a bit. It's in a good way, I replied. I know that she's good inside and she'll remain so.
When you go to university, be careful. I warned her. Why leh? She was curious. Be careful of the guys. Because usually they'll only want your virginity, I replied. Please take note that I'm not generalising all the guys. I'm so plain! She says. I dress plainly, I don't put makeup, I wear t-shirt and jeans! I even wear sport shoes! She insisted. I laughed. Me too! I would go to school, look at people who are well-dressed and wonder why. I'd think, "Come here to study what, what for wear so nice? Bai sui (to be put on display) meh?" I wanted to tell her that when I'm back in school this semester, I would have changed again. I would dress differently and it's only the beginning. It's been only a year in university and I've changed too much. But I forgot about it.

I told her I'm tempted. Don't. You won't be able to live with a guilty conscience. I considered what she said. You'll regret it for life. You'll know that you've let your parents down. I realized that she's right, I'll never live with it, but I tell her anyway, But I feel that it's going to happen. You know when sometimes you can sense something is going to happen. I know. It's inside of me waiting to come out. I want it. I need it. She looked at me and the expression on her face says it all. She doesn't know what to say or do. Why are you giving me that look? I laughed. I'm scared for you, She told me. It's nice to know that my cousin cares.

My grammer suck.

Got bored

I ended up flirting with a friend on MSN. Wonder how serious is he on the topic(s).

Ah, what a pity it has ended. Fun and funny. =P

A crack is always there

There are some things... No matter how I apologize, no matter how I tell myself it's not my fault... It just won't heal. There's that burden there everyday, that yearning, that fear, that guilt. A mirror that is broken, even when mended will always have the crack on it.

Rose is behind glass.
It is safe from everybody else and everybody else is safe from it.
There are hands on that glass.
Only on that glass.
It is nice to watch those hands on the glass.
After a while it feels good to feel the warmth from those hands.
There are many pairs of hands.
One wants to remove the glass.
Rose says no.
Hands are insistent.
Rose stares at it.
Rose is scared.
Hands moves away.
Rose is happy.
She watches those many pairs of hands.
Rose is behind glass.
It is safe from everybody else and everybody else is safe from it.

I don't find it that easy to smile anymore and I don't understand why. It's easier to be serious and watch others laugh. I want to go out alone again. I want to go to watch concerts on my own. I want to go to the gym again. I want to be able to swim laps again. I want to walk along that stretch of road on the way home again. I want to do it all again and I want to do it all by myself without feeling lonely. I want my old life back.
I want to look at numbers and feel happy. I want to read books and understand. I want words to sprout up in my mind when I'm not thinking. I want to go out and walk and walk and walk without thinking.
My life will come back. The sky is getting lighter everyday. But I'm still so very scared. Scared of myself.

Bleh

I suck at writing reviews.

I just suck at writing.