I'm sorry. I want to start anew all over again. I can't continue here anymore, knowing how much I'm keeping back from you all.
I don't just like him. It's more than that. I can't stand blogging here knowing how much I'm keeping from him. I can't.... I don't want to hurt him either.
I just can't ... write here anymore. I don't know, maybe I'm not keeping anything from you all, maybe I'm starting to be "normal". After I spill, I'm not blogging here anymore. Another name, another account, another blog. I'll start all over again.

I tried to take away the stress from him. I don't know how much I succeeded. I don't think it was a lot. I know he doesn't like to talk on msn, I know I can't help clicking on his name whenever he's online, I know I tend to ... do stupid things online, so I deleted him from my list and added him back only when necessary. I filtered things from this place. What you read is not what is necessarily true. I control and control and I feel really odd. I want to cry, but I know he doesn't want me to. My friends and I think that's stupid, that I have my emotions and I wish he'd stop trying to control the way I heal, but I know the guilt he is feeling. I tear a little sometimes but I try not to cry. Really, I try. Now I don't know how to cry. My mind pushes it back in so automatically I don't know how to get the tears out. I know now I'm saying all these, he'll feel guilty. I don't know if I'm bothered about him feeling guilty or whatever. I'm so... everywhere, scattered all over the place. I do things I know I shouldn't be doing.

I really wish things turned out different. I think I'm stupid.

Does it make sense if I say.. Is it right if I say... Is it ok if I say...
I love him. I just don't know what to do about it.

I spilled. Thank you all for all your support to this blog. It feels right this time round to just stop blogging here. If I feel like it, I might return to this account in the future. And wholly books for bookaholics is still operating. We're just not free to read books that's all.

Bye and thanks again.