A crack is always there

There are some things... No matter how I apologize, no matter how I tell myself it's not my fault... It just won't heal. There's that burden there everyday, that yearning, that fear, that guilt. A mirror that is broken, even when mended will always have the crack on it.

Rose is behind glass.
It is safe from everybody else and everybody else is safe from it.
There are hands on that glass.
Only on that glass.
It is nice to watch those hands on the glass.
After a while it feels good to feel the warmth from those hands.
There are many pairs of hands.
One wants to remove the glass.
Rose says no.
Hands are insistent.
Rose stares at it.
Rose is scared.
Hands moves away.
Rose is happy.
She watches those many pairs of hands.
Rose is behind glass.
It is safe from everybody else and everybody else is safe from it.

I don't find it that easy to smile anymore and I don't understand why. It's easier to be serious and watch others laugh. I want to go out alone again. I want to go to watch concerts on my own. I want to go to the gym again. I want to be able to swim laps again. I want to walk along that stretch of road on the way home again. I want to do it all again and I want to do it all by myself without feeling lonely. I want my old life back.
I want to look at numbers and feel happy. I want to read books and understand. I want words to sprout up in my mind when I'm not thinking. I want to go out and walk and walk and walk without thinking.
My life will come back. The sky is getting lighter everyday. But I'm still so very scared. Scared of myself.