Conclusion

I realize I'm becoming more slipshod in terms of blogging. In the past, I used to put down in detail everything that is important. Now, I don't find that need anymore. Which is more important - entertaining those who read your blog or recording mundane happenings that only are of interest to you? I started this blog because I wanted to record everything, then later on when there were more people reading it, I started working on the entertaining aspects but even then, it wasn't far away from recording my feelings. Recently I found it much easier to dwell on things in my head. Exposing everything in my life became... I felt very naked.

It struck me that there are a lot of "I"s in recent posts.

Anyway, I was checking out my tracker and realized that one of the referrers was from here. Referred only thrice but I was curious as to why this person would talk about me or if he/she actually linked me. I browsed through his entries and found it. It suddenly occured to me that of all I have blogged about him and me, I have never given it a proper end. There are certain things in that entry that person wrote that aren't accurate. Maybe I should just do a short conclusion kind of thing here, so that there are no unnecessary mistakes. Nothing too detailed, nothing too much. Just the necessities. I've found that I'd like to keep some things to myself.

SH and I met through blogs, met up, went out. However, we were never officially together, so formally it can't be termed as a break-up when things did started to happen. A lot of stuff happened. A lot of confusion, misunderstandings, quarrels, different ideas of "being together", different expectations and finally realizations. That day we talked was on Friday. Walked a long, long way and then started talking. I needed to know what went wrong and what I did inappropriately. I concluded several things, hopefully accurate:

1) I was expecting a lot, am unreasonable, thus resulting in the pressure he felt. Not to mention my temper. =) Yes, I should change that, shouldn't I.
2) He's not ready to commit. Point 2 also led to a number of things, including why he was feeling pressurized and (3).
3) We had different expectations. E.g how many times to meet, when to meet, how (or even the need to) to communicate.
4) I was simply not the one he had in mind.
5) I came in at the wrong time (that's my conclusion).

That's all I will and can say. It sounds as if it's totally his fault, doesn't it? But in any case I wish I wasn't so demanding either. Most of all I really wish we could have talked it out more often, but now I realize that even that itself is a bit difficult to do because at that time it would be difficult to just talk simply, whether or not because I didn't know how to or he didn't want to. But the thing is that he tried to make it work in his own way and I only found out that day. I felt bad for being unreasonable.

Frankly, it was difficult trying to get him out to talk it out on Friday. I ended up being pissed and it was during those SMS-ing him, urging, pleading with him to come out that I... lost heart. It might seem unbelievable, but within a day I stopped liking and missing him intensely, I had stopped hurting inside and had decided to stop hurting myself outside. I felt really good, really released. It was at that point I could fully comprehend the meaning of "beginning to hate a person" and "not wanting to see" him at all. I was... tempted to cancel the meeting, let it be the way it is, not bothering if the seeds of hatred was sowed nor if it grew. But I trusted and believed what Jenny said, that it was essential, that I had to know what went wrong so that in the future I wouldn't (hopefully) do it again. It's a matter of knowing myself. So I went along with it and I'd say it came out great. I understood a lot of things and it's as though a great load has been lifted off my chest.

I don't hate him, hopefully he doesn't either. If this is how things turned out to be, then so be it. I can't do much at this point. Ironically, the thing I can do is to not do anything. Do I still like him? Yes, I still do. But I won't ask him out for lunch anymore. He asked me in an SMS before agreeing to meet up with me, "Will you truly let me go if I meet up with you?" I really didn't know what to say then. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it. Now I can say that I will let him go. Rather, not will, but can let him go. I can finally let go =) and it feels very good. Will I accept another guy again? Yes. What will I do next? Study, of course, what else? Go on with my life... And there is something else that I'll do, something that I have admitted to only one person, but I won't and can't say it here. =) Really, a blog is not private.

Thanks to all my friends for your support! Thanks for putting up with my nonsense.

Wow, this is still a pretty long entry. Cheers!