Monday, July 31, 2006

Guys; Mugging; CORS; Change; Shallow

Yeah, sure they have shaved heads. But I look at their tanned, lean bodies and I'm strangely aroused. Better yet if they are in uniform.

*winks*

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LY asked for company on her blog to mug with her at the Central Library when school starts. *me raise hand and waves wildly* I'd love to!






I have tons of mugs at home for us to choose from! =)

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FYI, bidding is still on. I still happen to think that CORS is like constipation. And I'm getting extremely worried about whether or not I'd be able to cope. Being in another faculty besides your own half the time (Sociology module in Engineering and Physics module in Science) does not feel good. If anything, I feel lonely already, way before I've bidded for the physics module. And I really doubt if I can cope. *sigh* It's at moments like these that I just wish there was a little support from... you know. In any case, it's just me and myself now! Nobody to depend on except me.

*Looks in mirror* Ok, that's not very reassuring.

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Have I changed to become a more serious, quieter person? Or did those around me change instead? Smiles don't seem to come so easily anymore. In fact, my cheeks ache from forcing myself to smile too much and nowadays it's just not that easy to communicate with people whom I once felt at ease with. I'm losing respect for that somebody I used to look up to.

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If you would refer to The Sunday Times' Lifestyle section, the article on blogging.

me-ME-me-ME-me

It's narcissism.

We all have it to some degree. I wonder if I'm in that group of people the article described. They sound very shallow to me. I wonder... A bit scary. Why? Because I think I am turning into one of them. My brain's giving up on me. Words aren't coming naturally to me. I can't write reviews like I did in the past. I hardly read the papers anymore. Each sentence here starts with I, my entries are revolving around me more than they did in the past.

I don't want/like to be shallow.



I'll scrape my knees at the bottom of the pool.
See! Even my jokes are downright lame and not intellectual! Although I don't think I make intellectual jokes very often.

And I'm cracking my brain(s) on how to end this entry.

Actually I even asked LY if it's "cracking my head" or "cracking my brains" and whether or not there is a "s" in "brain". *Sob* Come back, brain(s)! Am I becoming dumber? *Sob* No, I've never watched the show "Dumb and Dumber".

Can somebody please tell me if it's "cracking my brain" or "cracking my brains"? Why in the world am I in FASS?!

Tugging

There was something tugging at my heart when I read it. Familiar, but can't place my finger on it.

Odd.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Post-concert

So the concert's here and gone. Really, time waits for no-one. If you like, you can read through how the last concert was here. In contrast, this round the concert wasn't so stressful, really because the pieces were much more manageable and we had a lot more time to practice. Not hell of a lot more time, but relatively more, comparing the difficulty of the piece and the amount of time given. For me this time round, I've played 2 out of the 6 percussion pieces before. Woah, tons of things to talk about. Alright, one thing at a time then.

1) I washed my hair. =D I should give an account of what went through my mind in chronological order.
10.30am: Took a shower.
11.00am: Rushed around to pack bag.
11.20am: Rushed out of house.
11.30am: Runs hand through hair to tidy up. When did I last wash my hair? Thinks. Shit, didn't wash last night, plus last night got show - hot and sweaty, didn't wash this morning. Now cannot go back, no choice.
11.31am: I'm feeling really dirty now. Wish I washed my hair this morning.
11.33am: Hair very dirty.
11.35am: Messaged Jieqi to ask some tickets stuff. Including "I can't stand it anymore. I never wash my hair this morning, feel very dirty."
11.45am: Train station. Perspired while walking here. This is so bad. Gross hair. Wish I washed my hair this morning.
11.55am: In train. Can I wash my hair at YMS?
12.03pm: Reached Dhoby Ghaut MRT. Can I buy mini-shampoo at PS?
12.10pm: In Plaza Singapura. Don't think they got sell mini-shampoo. Like very bo liao leh, buy shampoo because I feel dirty. Still have to buy towel to dry hair leh.
12.16pm: Saw Kim and YZ. "My hair very dirty! I need to wash! Very disgusting leh!"
12.45pm: Walking to YMS. Hairhairhairhairhair. Oily. *shudders*
Rehearsal: Hair.
45min before concert: Combing hair in toilet. Dirty.
End of concert: Yes! Finally can go home wash hair!

And THAT was the story of why I was elated that I washed my hair. =D

2) I trembled uncontrollably during rehearsal. Partly due to cold and partly due to nerves. Surprisingly, was hardly nervous during concert itself. Guess I exhausted my nerves during rehearsal. Resulted in me being able to control my playing.

3) Somehow lost my cool partly during rehearsal. Went to the toilet to get it back. No, I don't think it got flushed down the toilet bowl.

4) A person kept prank-calling me. Couple of days before started to call once per day. I picked up but nobody talked. First time I thought is accidentally dial or phone got problem. After a couple of times it just didn't seem likely anymore. While walking to YMS with the rest of them (Kim, YZ, Aisyah, Jiemin, Manshan), the guy called me like 5 times approximately and called YZ once. How come call her once only! So unfair =P Just kidding! Wouldn't want her to deal with this kind of thing either. At least I have free incoming. First time I picked up, the rest I hung up on him. Finally on the 5th call Kim took my phone, put it on loudspeaker mode and started scolding him. We threatened to go to the police, Kim insulted him, he scolded some bad words which I didn't hear. He was on the line for a full 12 minutes or more and Kim insulted him the whole time. She brought the phone into YMS auditorium where the whole of SPU was and after a while he finally hung up. Never called back again. Well, so far. That's my first prank caller. Irritating person. If you ask me, he's sick in the mind. If he does it again, I'm going to the police. Or Kim. She's a great deterrent =P Have to thank her again soon for her help.

5) Concert itself wasn't too bad. Friends gave good comments, especially on the 2nd half. Audience was waving and clapping and singing. The good thing about these small auditoriums is that it is very cosy and comfortable. Not unlike being invited to somebody's house to sit around and chat.
First half of the concert was purely percussion. Think as what Kaiyun said, a lot of them don't have percussion/music background so they don't really relate to it. Ceremonium wasn't perfect but at least we didn't screw up big time. There were the usual glitches in the first piece because of nerves. Yes, I was slightly nervous in the first piece, never could control my hands for soft parts and this time it wasn't an exception. And darn, I keep thinking of the slow part which I screwed up slightly, never watch him properly. Agree that it could have been better but given the conditions, it was alright.
Harmony was fine all the way from top to the Indian song, until at the repeat of the Indian song melody (we) got lost. I just lost my notes and came in on the second time of the repeat instead. That was the only one that was really screwed up. I think Damien was staring at us during that section, according to YZ.
Omens of love think one of the keyboards or something was muted so that Kim was holding that section all by herself on the marimba. Alex's solo was great as usual. The audience really appreciated that - clapped real loudly. I screwed up the same section again. Don't know why brain keeps saying "Don't want to read notes. Can't read," to the notes, and "Go away," to my hands when they are trying to send a signal up there that they need to play.
William Tell Overture, Mel conducted. Several strands of YZ's hairy mallet got stuck in the marimba at the beginning just when I came in. I thought she got lost and stopped playing or something. According to her, Manshan got lost and screwed up her part completely. I lost my notes a little in the beginning, caught that crucial section and lost more notes at the back. Shucks, I realize I lost a lot of notes along the way during the concert. The caretaker of YMS must be really busy sweeping after we left.
Burong Kakak Tua, an angklung piece. Thanks to Damien, I was tasked to play the xylophone during the one piece that I could rest. They pulled the audience up to play the angklungs and Pearlin purposely aimed my sister. Olivia refused to come up though, hugging Ah Bear tightly, so in the end my mom came up.
Proclamation, Mel conducted again. Something was missing, something bassy. It might have been the timpani but I'm not quite sure. Even during rehearsal there was something missing.

Second half of the concert was purely keyboard ensemble and vocals. The audience found this section more interesting, I guess, which is true.
Rasa Sayang. We started off by singing the chorus. Heard that it turned out quite weak. Then Damien came out all of a sudden, started rapping and got the audience high.
River of Life. Alex sung. Audience gave her a lot of support. Don't know is Kaiyun or my father say that the first song she sung wasn't that good, probably because she was nervous. I remember my father said that she didn't sing that well. Bleh. I thought she was great! =P I played bass keyboard and I always screw it up at the end, playing the wrong bass notes.
Home. Damien's show. We just went backstage.
Dreams. Damien sang again. I couldn't do the guitar thing properly. Damn.
My Island Home. Alex sung again. By the way, this entire piece was arranged by Alex herself. I say she has a great voice and is a great talent. Mel said this piece was the best in the entire concert. YZ said that that's so sad, because it is the simplest piece (for the 2 of us) in the entire concert.
They wanted an encore from Alex, so we played My Island Home again. Those SPU members who were not playing sat with the audience and threw balloons to the audience at the encore. The audience hit the balloons forward. Unfortunately, because there aren't a lot of seats between the last row of audience and the stage, one balloon got onto the stage and several were flying towards Alex. Didn't hit her, but it kind of spoilt the mood for me. Think the audience realized that too and stopped hitting the balloons towards the stage. Or perhaps they ran out of balloons to hit. Was reminded of XMS concert where the band members threw their glow in the dark hand bands at the audience. I say "at" and not "to" because the action wasn't planned, it was done on impulse and most importantly, there was no warning to the audience that these plastic bands would come flying their way. It could have hurt somebody.

It wasn't full house, though. Sadly, my friend pulled out last minute because she had to meet a deadline, I think for a project. Eng Wen and Kai Qin turned up, for which I was very grateful. I wonder if PK turned up. Forgot to look out for her and she didn't come looking for me either. I have a feeling that she didn't turn up. Darn. Coincidentally KQ sat behind my family. I forgot all about Eng Wen until the last song when I saw him near the stage. After concert went looking for him to thank him, but turned out he left first. Feel quite guilty. Shucks, this means that on the whole I sold only 4 tickets. This is not good.

6) Cleaned up real fast, packed and left for home. Left everything to Uncle David to handle. Now left the accounts to handle, then it's officially closed.

7) X-Windz performance coming up on 3rd August. Frankly, I don't look forward to it.

8) Yes, there was nothing from him. I'm really starting to wish that I never initiated anything.

9) KQ sent me an sms inviting me to go audition for NUSSO, which he is in. I am really flattered that he thinks I am up to it and it's really a compliment. I thanked him and told him that I'll consider, but I don't think I can play that well and after thinking about it (for a night) I don't really want to join either. However, it is still a compliment and I sincerely thank him for that. Hope my head don't get big, although I don't wear caps.

10) Went home with YZ. Walked past CATHAY CINEPLEX. Looks wonderful. Haven't been there before. Shall go and look there soon. Movie?

11) I had a horrible dream last night and woke up on the verge of crying. My bolster comforted me.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Wish

I think of all that I've done to him, all the hurt that I've caused, all that fear, insecurity, almost driving him to insanity. I really wish for one thing. I wish I'd never known him. I wish I never did that blog search. I wish I never visited his blog. I wish I never left a comment. I wish he was still the way he was, happy without me. That's more than one wish, but I really wish for those.

No word

I once asked myself, what would I do, how would I feel, if I received no encouragement, no word from him on the day of the concert?
It's now the morning of the concert day and I don't think I'll receive anything later on. I don't know how I'll feel later. I know I feel quite terrible now. Even from the first day of knowing him, I've never felt so far from him before. I guess it's relative. And it's all my fault. Always my fault. Hardly have the courage to even leave a comment anymore. None of my usual candor in those. Just... *shrug*. I can't explain. Ah well, what can I do? What can I do?

I wish, I wish...
I wish I may, I wish I might...
give me the chance to be his friend again.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Girlfriend; cycle

I've been thinking about it (for about 10 seconds), maybe I should just get a girlfriend instead. Or just get another guy for the sake of helping me forget. I once read in somebody's blog that went along the lines of:
I once asked my senior who has a history of 30+ boyfriends, "Why do you have so many boyfriends?" She replied, "So that I can forget my ex."

Then it just keeps going on and on in a cycle! But I'm sure it helps her to forget because by the 10th she would probably forget who are her 5th and 6th and by the 30th, she would have forgotten more than half. Effective. Whatever.

*grumble* I don't even have one guy after me now... No cycle. Only got bicycle and I can't even bike properly.

On radio!

We were on radio, LIVE 93.8 FM this morning at about 10.11am! Damien, Melodie, Alex and me! We were there for publicity of the concert. I didn't speak much but I guess it went ok. Kaiyun said that we sounded nervous. I was nervous and I kept falling over my own words. It was good experience though.
And darn, my handphone number was announced on air, for all to hear, for ordering of tickets.
Wonder if any of my friends heard it. Probably not. Not many people I know listen to this channel.
|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | says:
hey

liuyin` says:
?

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | says:
I was on radio!

liuyin` says:
hahahaha

liuyin` says:
oops

liuyin` says:
I was sleeping

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | says:
...

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | says:
My first time on radio and you are sleeping!
Damn.

My music

Maybe it's time I touched my long forgotten piano again.

Nobody will get tortured from me playing my piano. Well, except me and the ears of those who listens.
Nobody will get hurt. Unless I throw my book out of anger, or if you take hurt ears into account.
Nobody will feel pressurised by me. Except for me, of course.
Maybe I will finally feel tired enough after I finish practicing. Maybe tired enough so that I don't have to think so much.

I can shape my music however I want. I'm a picky lover, I'll love my music however I like. If I'm not in the mood, I can dump it aside for a while. If I need company, it will be there. Best of all, it doesn't complain and can take all of my shit.

I'm proud and I'm selfish. Hate me.

"My Home"

Hear 4 of us from Studio Percussion Unit (SPU) today at 10 - 10.30am on Live 93.8 FM! Interview! =D

Watch us this Saturday, 29th July 2006, 7.30pm at Young Musicians' Society Auditorium (54 Waterloo Street) in a Percussion concert titled "My Home"! Tickets at $12!

Sorry, original too large, have to upload concert programme booklet cover. =P Anyway do leave a comment here or email me at ng.wan.jing@gmail.com if you are interested!

It will be entertaining. =)

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Not enough

I'm tired, but not tired enough. Hardly tired. Not near exhaustion.

I'm stressed, but not overworked enough. Hardly tired. Not near exhaustion.

Not enough work, not enough things to do. My brain is still active though my eyes are blurred.

Not enough work, not enough things to do. Brain cells are dying, inactive.

Not enough. More.

Pre-interview

Interview tomorrow at 10 - 10.30am on Live 93.8 regarding the concert.

Excited! Listen out for us tomorrow! =)

The Kite Runner

Note: This blog should be back to its orignal place by next week, in 7 days time, if everything progresses smoothly.

When I read The Kite Runner, I cried. Then again, which book do I read that I don't cry? It's touching, but what struck me was that I was reminded of Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye. Bluest Eye runs the story around the rape, but The Kite Runner doesn't. Both include that though. Is it confusing?
At the beginning of The Kite Runner when I read how the main character abandoned his friend/brother/servant, I hated him. At that time I thought that the main character is the author so I flipped to the first page of the book, looked at the picture of the author and transferred my hate to the picture. I wondered why am I reading this book. Why should a man who had committed such a terrible thing in his childhood be allowed to possess such great writing talent? Not to mention getting a book published and recognized internationally. Later on I realized that they are 2 different persons, and that the main character is really fiction.

Kite Runner is very unlike other books. In other books, I liked the main characters, pitied them, sympathised with them. This one is a first. It made me hate him.

The atrocities that the Talibans commit in Afghanistan, the stoning, raping, conditions of living as described in the book were so detailed that I was horrified and disgusted. It was beyond what I read in newspapers. It was as if I was there myself, a little part of me. I can't imagine how life is like there, to be living in fear everyday, living with the possibility of getting blown up any moment. I was frowning, gasping and making weird noises (including "eek!, eeee..., umph," as well as voices at the back of my throat) while reading the book, so much so that my mom told me to stop it. Suddenly I appreciate living here in Singapore. Like Afghanistan, we have restrictions too. But unlike Afghanistan, our restrictions come with peace and I am glad. I don't have to walk around with the fear of getting bombed or worry about where my food is coming from. I'm glad that when I'm outside, the thoughts in my mind revolve around getting to my destination on time, stress on minor things such as not being able to play well during concert, stage-fright and studies. I'm just plain glad.

A section at the back of the book took my attention:
In Afghanistan, the ending was all that mattered. When Hassan and I came home after watching a Hindi film at Cinema Zainab, what Aliv, Rahim Khan, Baba, or the myriad of Baba's friends - second and third cousins milling in and out of the house - wanted to know was this: Did the Girl in the film find happiness? Did the bacheh film, the Guy in the film, become kamyab and fulfill his dreams, or was he nah-kam, doomed to wallow in failure?
Was there happiness at the end, they wanted to know.
If someone were to ask me today whether the story of Hassan, Sohrab and me ends with happiness, I wouldn't know what to say.
Does anybody's?
After all, life is not a Hindi movie. Zendagi migzara, Afghans like to say: Life goes on, unmindful of beginning, end, kamyab, nah-kam, crisis or catharsis, moving forward like a slow, dusty caravan of kochis.
I wouldn't know how to answer that question.
Yes, life goes on, unmindful of beginning, end, kamyab, nah-kam, crisis or catharsis, moving forward like a slow, dusty caravan of kochis.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Pressure on the bus

I had never been so eager to talk to somebody, anybody before. Was feeling so stressed that I could feel something at my heart and could imagine the stress level not unlike real substance up to my throat. I was going to scream at anybody at any moment or breakdown and start crying. Stress from the concert this saturday, stress from worrying about getting the banner and programme booklets printed right, stress from X-Windz for 3rd of August, stress from that physics module problem... The thought of practice later did not soothe me. More stress.

When I saw Yihao on the 151 bus this evening on the way to the studio, there was an overwhelming urge to walk right up to the front where he was sitting with his unicycle and talk to him. I could not ascertain right away that it was him though, so I did not go forward immediately. However, the more I looked, the more I was certain that it was him. Besides, that pressure within me was increasing by the second. I didn't know why, but I had to talk to him. Each time the bus stopped at a red light, I told myself that I am going to walk to his seat, but everytime I chickened out. At one particular junction the bus stopped particularly long, as though knowing that I wanted/needed to walk to the front of the bus, yet I still chickened out. Finally I overcame the embarrassment of walking down the aisle in front of everybody, overcame the fear that it is not him and thus embarrass myself, I walked straight down the aisle, bent my head down and called his name. It took a couple of seconds for him to register my face, but then he broke into a smile and I took it as a cue to settle myself beside him. We made small talk and although it was only for a couple of stops before I had to get down, I felt better inside. The pressure inside had lifted slightly, just because I talked to somebody.

Then I had some commercially made cheese and sugar bread for dinner.

Break

Lightning and rain, that's how I feel now. Too much stress and pressure, it cracks (thunder), it shows (lightning) and it cries (rain).

I'm going to break.






Courtesy of The Burfitt Blog, here.

Faculty of ASS

Warning: Vulgar language ahead.

I was pissed, am still pissed, by this woman at the Dean's Office of FASS. Want to slam an entire plate of pie into her face. So pissed. Stupid NUS.

I had better explain my situation first. In my first year, first semester, I bidded for a science module, PC1323, under Breadth. This module has another code, GEK1510, which can be bidded for under GEM. I was in my first year, I was dumb and confused, probably still am, but point is I was a year 1 and year 1s are bound to make mistakes! So this semester I wanted to see if I could change my PC1323 to GEK1510, classify it as a GEM. You see, for us, we need to fulfill 2 GEM modules, 1 from Arts, 1 not from Arts. Thus if I can shift the module from PC to GEK (also known as gem), then I wouldn't have to go through the trouble to taking another science GEM module (and risk getting my ass burnt again). Plus, I do intend to take another physics module this semester because I am (hoping) to minor in Physics. I really do not think I can handle 2 science modules in any one semester. I have already planned it properly. From now on, I have to take a certain physics module each semester, starting from this one, if not I would never be able to finish it. Ok, I'm drifting away.

Anyway, I called CORS helpline under my friend's direction, but they were not able to help. She only took down my particulars (for what, I don't know) and then asked me to try calling FASS helpline. May I mention that the girl who answered the phone was very polite and very nice. So I did as she suggested. When the line got through, I introduced myself as a year 2 arts student, and said that I'm not sure if this is where I should be calling, then I went on to explain my problem. It was at this point, when I was already obviously going to explain my problem that she interrupted me and said something along the lines of "what is your problem?" Like what the fuck, can't she tell that I'm telling her already. So I shut up, let her finish her question, and then I continued. That is something I learned, it's easier to let others finish what they have to say first and then continue with mine.
When I was done, she asked that crucial question - is that module cross-listed? I started to get blur because I didn't understand the full meaning of the term "cross-listed" and I admit that this part is my fault. To me, reading about something is one thing, speaking about it is another. I guess she got really fed-up that a student like me didn't know what is a cross-listed module so she assumed that I was one of those students who didn't read up on things before I called. I told her that the module has 2 codes, one is PC, another is GEK. Isn't that enough for her to know that it is cross-listed?! Anyway she is really one of those who will keep interrupting you while talking and I got so pissed off I wanted to slap her. She kept on asking me what is the code of the module (PC1323) so I told her a couple of times, thinking that she was taking it down, but she kept on asking me 3, 4 times later on in the conversation. What for keep asking me for the code if she isn't going to take it down? Very irritating you know! She kept on mentioning cross-listing so much that in the end I asked her how to find out if it is cross-listed, to which she replied, "It's so easy!" I could feel the sarcasm dripping off those words. She ended up guiding me online on how to find out if the module is cross-listed (fuck her, she doesn't know that if a module has 2 codes it's cross-listed?! Fuck me too.) because I totally suck at finding stuff like that. It was as if she was talking to a primary school kid and I desperately wanted to smack her. Fuck, if you were outside in a corporate company talking to customers on the phone or serving customers who asked questions like these and you answered back in the manner you did, they would have written in a letter of complaint or screamed at you in public already.
At times I think that she is so dumb I wonder why is she working in the office. I would say something like "if I can convert it" and she would ask "convert what" when I have mentioned about 500 times that I want to convert a module from under breadth to a GEM. Maybe I'm dumb too because there seems to be a difference between "classifying" and "converting" a module. I thought I was perfectly clear on those two until I talked to that woman on the phone.
Then at the end of it all, she finally told me that I would have to fill in a form (for which I found problems again) and then submit it to the Dean's Office by a certain date. Following which she said that she can't remember the date and that "we can't spoonfeed you all, you know". Fuck her. I don't need them to spoonfeed me! I just needed the answer to a simple question of whether or not my conversion is possible! Difficult, maybe, but is it possible?! I know that it is possible to change a module from a GEM to one under Breadth, and I know that I can't classify my PC module which is currently under Breadth, under GEM because of the module code. I just need to fucking know if it is possible to change the module code! Damn, I used points from General account to bid for the module under Breadth, and those who bidded for it under GEM used points from the same bloody account as well. Explain to me the problem, please! I want to fuck her upside down! No, change that. I don't want to kiss her pussy.
She also gave advice which I thought was utterly stupid, such as, "minor not so important you know, you should concentrate on your core modules," when I told her I wanted to take a minor, which explains my problem. If not I would have to take another science GEM, which would be too heavy a workload for me. I am aware of my situation, thank you very much. I am also taking action in trying to minimize my workload.
Also like, "you should bid for a GEM you know, they are very difficult to get." Like what the hell! I know that some GEM modules have super high bids and are very difficult to get. And doesn't that like support my argument that I want to change my module code?! Oh, perhaps she doesn't know the intricacies of bidding and which account we pay from. Right.

Basically I was just pissed off by her service attitude. Just because she's in the Dean's office and that I'm a student doesn't mean that I am not entitled to some proper service. And the fact that she keeps on interrupting me while I talk is downright rude, not to say frustrating. At the end when I wanted to tell her that I know I can change a module from GEM to Breadth, I just decided not to because I didn't know what she would interpret it as.

I admit that I am at fault by being clear on the point of "cross-listing" and my tone might have gotten a bit harsh and all, but her constant interruptions irked me so much that I couldn't be bothered.

Bad service attitude, that's all I can say. I'm so ashamed of my own faculty. Not to mention that I feel like giving up on it all already. =(

I AM a little too rash, aren't I? I actually kind of miss people correcting me on this blog like he used... oh right, I shouldn't be thinking/talking about anything regarding that. Hehz. Fuck it.

And I seeked his help today, for which I am very, very embarrassed about. Don't know why I sent him an email asking him to help me on that matter. Oh right, because I was this close *press finger and thumb together* to breaking down and crying. I am very, very grateful to him for even bothering to read the email, what's more replying me. I know I really should not be bothering anybody about this matter at all, but I just had to turn to somebody. What a weakling I must have seemed! Wait a minute, I am a weakling... In any case I am very grateful to him and appreciate his reply because I feel a lot better now that I've told somebody about it and there is somebody to partly evaluate the problem for me. It is time to email him to thank him and say that he doesn't have to bother anymore because it just isn't right to throw it to him like that... But I don't know if I can really handle it alone. H-A-H-A! Such a simple thing and I can't do it. What a loser!

It's all so confusing that I feel like just dropping everything. Drop the idea of a minor, drop the idea of converting the module...

And if I get any thinner, I'll end up dropping my pants.

Change of module type

Maybe, just maybe, I will be able to change my physics module type from Breadth to GEM...
*prays*

I WAS ALLOCATED A STATS MODULE!

I take back my words on MPE.

I WAS ALLOCATED A STATS MODULE!
I WAS ALLOCATED A STATS MODULE!
I WAS ALLOCATED A STATS MODULE!
I WAS ALLOCATED A STATS MODULE!
I WAS ALLOCATED A STATS MODULE!
I WAS ALLOCATED A STATS MODULE!

=D

MY blog address

One and a half years under this blog address does not make it easy for me to abandon it. Like this blog space a lot and refuse to let others take it.

It's MY blog address.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

MPE is like stoning

#%#$^#$@#

I never seem to get any modules pre-allocated to me despite the fact that I'm a good girl and have done it everytime I should have, which happens to be twice - once last semester and the latest one just recently for the upcoming semester. Must be because Psychology too many people want the modules and so demand exceeds supply, they're unable to preallocate. Plus the year 3 students will have the priority of getting the modules that I am eyeing, which is good because I'll be a year 3 soon. Which also means that there will be lesser seats left for year 1 and 2 students to bid which will lead to higher bid points. HOWEVER, I am now a year 2 and I DON'T HAVE MUCH BIDDING POINTS LEFT! Why did I go land myself in this situation, in one of the most highly sought after major whose modules also take up one of the highest number of bid points?

So now you know how? All my other requirement modules and minor modules have to have a history of very little bid points (preferably 1 point) before I will consider. Which also means that the modules I'm gonna take are going to be killer modules!

This is like stoning.

Day 14

Before I knew it, Day 14 has ended. I blog of day 14 on day 15. When I think of how unimportant I am to him, my heart strangles itself for a little while. Mostly it isn't too bad, I suppose. How many more day 14 must I endure before we finally can speak and I grow up?

Me is kid. Kid likes teddy bears.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Sorry

I'm sorry that I haven't been posting any interesting entries lately. Been feeling really down. Apologize for it all. Depressing entries don't prove interesting reads. Check back in a year or two.

Just crying

It feels good just crying and crying and crying when I feel like it. I feel a lot better already.

Mr. Lim Kim San

Another leader died on Thursday evening.

In 1960, Mr Lim agreed to chair the newly-set up Housing and Development Board (HDB) - a post he held for three years as a volunteer, never drawing a cent.
He is best remembered for tackling the chronic housing shortage, raising low-cost public flats in record time for the teeming masses living in kampungs and overcrowded city shophouses....
Mr Lim entered politics in 1963, winning the Cairnhill seat as a PAP candidate. He was made a minister, and in all, he helmed seven ministries before he left politics in 1980, including National Development, Finance, Interior and Defence...
He enjoyed a second career in the corporate world, first at PSA and then at SPH, where he was executive chairman and then senior adviser, from 1988 to 2005...

--The Straits Times
Friday, July 21 2006
Kind of scary how the older generation is dying off. Especially the leaders. And he was 89.

From sei-ji rakugaki of My Sketchbook:

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I hate myself. Hate myself for wanting to contact him, for not being able to control myself, for being impatient, for being the selfish brat that I am, for flaring up so easily....

I hate myself for still liking him. I hate myself for destroying my own life because of that. It's only the damn beginning of Day 14! Only 2 weeks! Feel like I'm dying. Is it because I haven't let go? Why do I count? What am I counting down to? To the day that we can finally talk as friends. I want at least that, but it's so difficult... difficult not to carry hope. Sometimes I wonder if it's a case of wrong timing, if time will tame me and change him. Maybe if we met later in the future it would be better.

*groan* What am I thinking?!

Steph

P.S YES! I want to talk to him, dammit!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

test

in a small voice...
test test.
Is it safe to come back?

Day 13

Hi. It's day 13. Am I a very bad girl? *Plays with teddy* Won't you talk to me? Can you give me another chance?

Why am I pleading...

Teddy has another cut on him.

He's upset... I think

*sigh* I wish I knew what's making him unhappy now and wish he would be happy. But I don't know how to reach out to him...

Update:
Okayyy.. So I sent 3 links to the anime my cousin recommended me to watch, Ouran Host High Club, to him through email though I swore I wouldn't contact him. It IS a form of distraction from the thing that he blogged about... And I haven't heard from him, for which I am relieved, though a bit upset.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Day 12

I've created another blog under my old blog address. Really love that space a lot and that title too much. Or maybe I'm just a nostalgic person who resists change, whether or not it's good or bad.

2 more days to 2 weeks of silence, then I can consider publishing the post(s) under the old/new blog. Maybe nobody will notice that I'm back there. Not the whole of this blog, a new one with new contents.

May I admit that it is also because I want to get in contact with him. Yesterday I told LY that I really wanted to hear him talk again. Wanted to borrow her phone and dial his number (yes, I have already memorized his number), listen to him say "hello!" without me answering. It might be enough, just to hear his voice again, but it might be too obvious. Luckily I didn't because it turned out he was having coffee with his colleagues (after work?) that day. It would have disrupted his session with them, not nice.

No, I'm not a nice person. Really selfish. I know myself.

Actually I'm really afraid that the return of the blog will hurt him again. He seemed really happy these few days... What should I do?

Today; Punggol Seafood - again

We were back at Punggol Seafood again. This time it's for celebrating my brother's birthday which is tomorrow. *grin* Kind of weird, I know. But Sunday has always been family day and it was either today or tomorrow.

SPU practice today and left early to go for the dinner at Punggol Seafood. Darn, so much to work on for concert. By the way, I will be going on radio, Live 93.8 FM, this coming Friday, 28th July, 10am to 10.30am, for an interview to publicize our concert. Do listen out for me! I'll try to take photos of the studio! =P And do come support us at our concert!

Studio Percussion Unit (SPU) presents My Home, a percussion concert featuring local, budding percussionists. On the 29th of July, 7.30pm, at Young Musicians' Society (Waterloo Street), tickets are priced at $12 each.

Do come support us!

Friday, July 21, 2006

Do you know what it feels like to see the person you adore, happy? Yes, I'd very much like to see him happy again. =)

What Day is it today?

I'm 1.5 episodes to the end of School Rumble 1. How do I put it down in words?

Last night, or early morning today, I thought that I could get past it, that I'm picking myself up from that fall again. I realize today that it is not so. There seems to be no end to it. I considered shifting this blog back to where it was, not caring about the consequences. I know I shouldn't do it.
Sometimes it's enough to just see an entry on your blog. Reading through the archives brings back many memories, but I can't handle the bitter taste after that. My tears threaten to flow at weird timings. Perhaps what I miss is not you, but the memories. Then again, maybe I'm just lying to myself.

What Day is it today? Whatever it is, I hope you are fine. That my absence has stored some balance back into your life. If my absence has to be forever, then yes, I guess I would have to remain absent forever. Anything for you. I swore, remember?

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Day 10 - Falling

Last year I fell for words on the screen.

Now I'm still falling for the person who wrote those words.

Epilator

Bought an epilator on 17th July, Monday. Tested it on part of my leg and boy, did it hurt. Then I did it on my underarms. BOY, DID IT HURT!!! Couldn't do the whole of my left armpit in one day because of the pain. There were tiny spots of blood after I was finished for the first day. On the second day I finally finished the whole of my left underarm, though there were spots which the epilator couldn't reach. Then I did my right underarm and it hurt even more. Probably because I was more used to plucking the hair from my left underarm (I'm a right-hander) when I'm bored, than from my right underarm. The smoothness I got after plucking part of it kind of inspired me to buy the epilator. Now my right underarm has a little red bump not unlike a pimple. Epilator must have been too hard on my poor right armpit. However now both my pits are relatively smooth and not so polka-dot-ish. =)

How does it feel like? Ever been bitten by an ant? If not try pinching yourself with an eyebrow plucker. Imagine that pain multiplied by 10 times, since that's about the number of hairs the epilator epilates at one time. Not to mention that I've got a muscle pull in the neck from straining to look at my pit so as to aim my epilator properly. Stop laughing already!

Right now I'll give my pits a rest. As for now, there doesn't seem to be much use for me to epilate my legs since I hardly wear skirts, which would be more inappropriate for leg hair to be showing as compared to shorts.

What do I do about the bump? Go apply some moisturizer?

National A Capella championships 2006 at Esplanade

Yesterday's show at Esplanade's concourse was titled "National A Capella championships 2006". However I must have missed the actual competition because there were only 2 schools performing at the time slot stated in Arts Xplosion.

Wikipedia says that "A choir or chorus is a musical ensemble of singers. A vocal ensemble which sings in a church, or sings exclusively sacred music, is called a choir.... A choir usually has eight or more singers, typically with two or more singers on each part; a chorus is typically larger still, with many singers on each part," while an
"A cappella music is vocal music or singing without instrumental accompaniment, or a piece intended to be performed in this way. A cappella is Italian for like in the chapel (music); the term is due to restrictions on the use of instruments in medieval churches."

Hmm, well, I can't really see the difference between the 2, except for perhaps that the choir allows instruments to be used, while an A Capella doesn't. Then again, I have heard Budak Pantai performed with musical instruments. I guess the main point rests in that "In the modern parlance, it applies to vocal performers who refrain from performing with any instrumental accompaniment, yet sometimes sound like instruments themselves," while the choir really just, well, sings. And the fact that the choir consists of a far larger number of people than a normal A Capella group.

Kind of wish that Esplanade or whoever names the competition that, would give it a more appropriate name.

This is the Commonwealth Secondary School Choir. I wonder if they are really in the championships, or if the schools that are performing are those that didn't get in. Probably shouldn't say such things because I'm not a choir member. But being a member of a musical group gives you an edge over others at listening to the music, thinking about it and knowing how the members feel by looking at their faces though I'm sitting in the audience.
It must have been where I'm sitting, which is very much closer to the Sopranos. Couldn't hear the other sections properly. It was okay, though slightly boring.

St. Gabriel Secondary School Vocal Ensemble. They left a stronger impression on me. The first song was a bit shaky and I thought the bass just wasn't enough and not consistent throughout which was very irritating to my ears. Are kids nowadays all oddly-shaped? Some of them look as if they're too short or with heads too large for their bodies. Ok, evil me. Not like I'm very tall either. There was this one guy who, despite wearing that attire as shown in the picture, looks as though he was in a pyjama. Plus his face was so void of expression that it just enhanced the look and I was grinning and desperately trying to hold back my smiles and giggles while looking at him. Sorry if I sound evil, he's just so funny that I had to mention him.

Despite their appearances, the whole of St. Gabriel Vocal Ensemble is really quite good. For the first few songs only the seniors sang (they number about 20-odd) and I was swept off my feet throughout the second song. It's called Voices of the Children or something like that. Very gospel-ish, spiritual-ish, celtic circle-ish, if you know what I mean. Loved the way the bass came through discretely, giving that oomph factor. I realize I'm in love with basses. They provide the foundation for others to build upon and are really very important although we probably don't notice them half or three-quarters of the time. Yet, they are the ones that you would tap your feet to.
The vocal ensemble harmonized beautifully in that song as well. For the other songs, sadly, I couldn't really tell. My fault. Only remember there was this one piece, not sure if it's the 2nd one, where there are bascially three sections and I always thought that songs which look/sounds simple are always the hardest to master because they are so transparent that people could spot your mistakes easily.
Solos, solos... Average. I understand the pressure that comes with presenting a solo, to have the audience attention upon you and only you. Conductors somehow always concentrate on those who provide the support, which I would do too if I were one. Foundation and support are very important! However can't help wishing that the solos were better.
Oh I have to mention this. Sometimes I think guys are very lucky because their voices generally go through the whole range of octaves, ranging from the sopranos to the basses or the next lowest. They get to get a taste of what it's like singing through all the parts, which allows them to understand the other sections more before settling down on one section in the end. An advantage. Also, that's why an all-guy voice ensemble can sing songs with soprano parts - because younger boys naturally have higher sounding voice - while in a mixed voice ensemble, the girls would take on those sections. Now, why am I talking about these stuff? Whatever.

On the whole they are a bit rough but can be polished to make it better. A bit like an unpolished gem, is that how the saying goes? Anyway ain't all kids like that? Aspiring musicians indeed. Most of them end up doing something else anyway. *sigh* But a brush with music most of the time leaves an impact on you. Whether or not you end up being a professional musician, you'll always look at it differently from those who have never been this deeply involved in music. Isn't it the same with all other activities?

Everything took about 1 hour. Did I enjoy it? In a way, yes. Every performance or show I go to, there's always something to be learnt. As we age, we look at things differently. If you looked in from an outsider's point of view, it will be different as when you are in the person's shoes. So many different points of view, how to see all in a lifetime?

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Day 9

Is it day 9 already? Or should I say "only"?

When I first stepped out of the house today, it felt wrong. I felt lonely. Haven't gone to concerts or watched performances on my own for quite some time. Somehow it has been with him ever since we went out. He filled every single minute of my thoughts. How I wish that I was going out to meet him first, then have dinner, then watch the A Capella show at Esplanade's concourse. (By the way, it's really more of choir than acapella.) I could remember how it felt like waiting to see him again. That anticipation, excitement and happiness. Just felt like going home today.

I spent $9.10 at Thai Express for my dinner and about $3.02 for transport costs. Went out at 5.30pm, came home at approximately 9.20pm. $12.12 - that was how much I spent today within 3 hours 50 minutes. Alone.

I remember once we had lunch at Wisma Atria. I paid for his share (actually the auntie assumed that I was paying for him =P) so later on when we were walking along, he took out $4 from his wallet and slipped that into my pocket. I ended up giving $2 to that busker in the underpass then grinned at him. What we spend when we eat together is lesser than what I spend when I eat alone.

I miss him. Does he?

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Ouran High Host Club; anime roll

My cousin is really into anime. Reminds me of him. Anyway, she watches quite a number of anime and she recommended that I watch "Ouran High Host Club". So I searched for it on youtube and was addicted to it up to episode 15, for which I can't find sub-titled episodes and am hoping that somebody will upload those soon.

If you never got past the first few episodes, it would strike you as extremely superficial. There doesn't seem to be real issues discussed. Story talks about skin-deep romance, is quite a comedy and if you would allow it, there's quite a measure of homosexuality in it. Girls screaming in excitement at watching the hosts of the club display affection towards each other were quite getting me bothered and irritated, basically because it was starting to get boring. As the episodes go on, however, the characters start to develop and you begin to be able to see that there is more to each character than what as "hosts" they are required to display. This anime doesn't just tell you directly what to appreciate or points they want to make. It also shows you, more, indirectly what to appreciate. It's up to you to pick up the points. It deals with friendship, family ties and problems, relationship problems, individual problems and perhaps even telling us we should not judge a book by it's cover. That last point is prevalant throughout the whole series (so far up till episode 14 anyway). It's anime, but also cartoonish. I know some animes don't have cartoon characteristics. You know, that those blank eyes, three lines down temple etc. I think.
But please take note that I still don't think it's one of those cheem cheem animes/shows. It's good entertainment to watch, think a bit, and appreciate what you have around you.

Now I shall go and see what is so great about School Rumble. Uh-huh. I'm on an anime roll.

Day 8 - paranoid

I've never been so paranoid over the absence of a day's blog entry. Couple of hours ago, I was relieved.

Thank you

Yizhen sent me this song a couple of minutes/hours ago. A beautiful song. It's kind of what I want to say to him, partly. Thank you.

Greatest Story Ever Told
by Oliver James
(from “What A Girl Wants” soundtrack)

Thank you for this moment
I've gotta say how beautiful you are
Of all the hopes and dreams I could have prayed for
Here you are
If I could have one dance forever
I would take you by the hand
Tonight it's you and I together
I'm so glad I'm your man
And if I lived a thousand years
You know I never could explain
The way I lost my heart to you
that day
but if destiny decided I should look the other way
then the world would never know
the greatest story ever told
and did I tell you that I love you
tonight
I don't hear the music
When I'm looking in your eyes
But I feel the rhythm of your body
Close to mine
It's the way we touch, it soothes me
It's the way we'll always be
your kiss your pretty smile
you know i'd die for
oh baby
you're all i need
And if I lived a thousand years
You know I never could explain
The way I lost my heart to you
that day
but if destiny decided I should look the other way
then the world would never know
the greatest story ever told
and did I tell you that I love you
just how much i really need you
did I tell you that I love you
tonight
tonight
And if I lived a thousand years
You know I never could explain
The way I lost my heart to you
that day
but if destiny decided I should look the other way
then the world would never know
the greatest story ever told
and did I tell you that I love you
just how much I really need you
did I tell you that I love you tonight

Where are you? I miss you. ='(

Monday, July 17, 2006

Day 7 - Where are you?

Where are you?

Accidentally came upon an email sent by you long long ago. On 6th December 2005, to be exact. You said in reply to an entry I wrote, "I refuse to believe that we are so common in so many ways. Something must be wrong somewhere, or some disaster is awaiting us to unearth......"

I'm aching inside. Why must it be so true?

Where are you?

Today seems so long.

Day 7

There were fluffy white seeds on the ground. It's that time of the year when fruits ripen and flowers bloom. Ok, so the seasons don't coincide. Fine.

Saturday night saw me on MSN and the phone with a friend of mine. She just broke up.

I don't want to talk about it. Reminds me of my own.

Can we compare the affection between 2 couples? Would it matter? Saying "I'm more hurt than you," and "I gave up more than you," is just not right. It's like saying, "My blood is more precious than yours."
I don't like comparing because in each relationship what is given up is subjective to each individual. How would you know that what that person gave up does not mean as much to him/her compared to what you gave up? Why would a person want to compare what he/she lost with their own? Don't we all hurt the same?

It's day 7. What if he doesn't contact me for the rest of his life? It'd be my fault and wholly my fault. As each day passes, somehow it gets more difficult to get over him. My life doesn't seem so precious.

How can a week seem so long?

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Day 6 - falling

I thought I was going to be ok, but no. Today I fell back to missing him again. There's an aching in my heart when I consider the possibility that just as I did, he might have deleted me off MSN and his handphone and his email as well.
Only that it wouldn't hurt him to do it.
And that he might be putting more effort into another blog where I won't read. I don't see what's wrong with that but it just hurts me anyway, and I'm probably thinking too much too.

It's scary when I consider the possibility that we might not meet in the future anymore, that he would not contact me at all.
I'm a person full of contradictions. On one hand I want to meet him, on the other hand I can't stand to see him.

It's Day 6. I'm falling back again.

Almost end of Day 6's musings

Almost the end of Day 6. He seems to be getting on better without me. More cheerful anyway.

Concert's nearing and I can't help but wonder if he would turn up that day. Most probably not, but I can't help hoping. The last time he turned up I was smiling offstage at him. I've really ceased to exist in his life. Don't feel hurt anymore because I can't remember how he looks like without effort.


I lied. I still hurt a bit. A tiny itsy-bitsy bit.


Anybody want to come support us in percussion concert on the 29th of July 2006? 7.30pm, at Young Musicians' Society (waterloo street), $12. Sure to be nice!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Day 5

The same way he fears reading my blog because I might raise some crap, I fear reading his blog for these "Lesson for life" or suggestions or... you know. This time round it's "Don't let go too soon, but don't hang for too long." I know it doesn't mean me but... *shrug*
Sometimes I fear getting his SMSes during periods when we quarrel. I'm scared of what he'll suggest, what he'll say. Scared of how I'll react.

Scared that he don't want me anymore.

Now that it's true, I've learnt to cope with it and it isn't so bad anymore - so long as I keep away from him.

Today while walking at Compass Point with my family, I was thinking about him again. All of a sudden I could remember how it felt when he hugged me. The hardness of his body because he's skinny. Mostly now I can hardly remember how he looks like nor how he smells, or how it feels to have him hold me and to lay my head on his chest. That exhilaration, not believing that all this is real, that I have a guy in my arms and he's holding me as well. Contented, safe, protected. For a few minutes today, the sensations came back to me and there was a rush of emotions inside me. Something welled up in my throat for a second, then it was gone.

Gone. Just memories left.

It's Day 5.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Delivery of boxes and cute guy, right to the doorstep

Local logistics company don't really work that well. My company uses NB Logistics and I got irritated a couple of times. A few times actually. Today's an example. Shall I go into detail? Or shall I just go straight to the point of why I'm blogging about logistic companies? *ponders* Well, let me just get it off my chest first:

I think one of the sales executive of NB Logistics is cute! Like really cute! Saw him today in polo tee (pink?) and jeans and I was smitten. He looked like a boy instead of a working adult. He has nice skin and I imagined myself leaning over and planting a kiss on his cheek. *sigh* Just cute...

Yes, I shall go into detail. *sigh*

Wednesday morning I called them to arrange for a pick-up of 2 - 3 boxes from SGH and NUH to be delivered to my office. That was about 9.30am. They got the boxes from SGH, but the person-in-charge at NUH was on leave. This is our fault. Really, my colleague should have checked that she is in before asking me to get NB down to that place. Waste of fuel and time. Really apologetic on that area but I heard nothing accusatory from them, so it was laid to rest.
Thursday morning I called NB again to remind and confirm with them that there are about 3 boxes to be picked up from NUH. The cute guy, let's call him J, said ok and would get it arranged for us. While confirming the details, I also asked him to arrange for a pickup of documents from another hospital. The documents weren't a problem, they were delivered within the day. The boxes however, were a different story. At about 4.45pm that Thursday, I called J again to say that the boxes haven't arrived and my office is closing in 45 minutes time. Could he check for me if the boxes are arriving? He called back with bad news, that their people have forgotten about the pick-up. Forgotten! That's really not quite forgivable though I don't think it was totally his fault either. I know how it feels to work in a company where the management is super screwed up. But still...

J was very apologetic. He explains that 2 of the staff just resigned and they are very short-staffed. I can understand that as well, but still... I must have sounded quite aloof although I wasn't really feeling angry. Just slightly frustrated and irritated. Because it means that I'll have to wait till the next day, which is Friday and happens to be my last day, before I can clear everything. Would have liked to enjoy my last day, but no such thing. Was super busy today. Sounded aloof also because I was not paying complete attention to what he was saying since I was watching for my colleague's reaction when I told her what happened and what she wanted to do next. J said that he will get the delivery done early in the morning the next day and if his men can't do it, he will do it himself. Good assurance tactic. If only it could be done without my prompting the next day. I was okay with it (obviously, since I am only a temp and am leaving soon), but my colleague wasn't so happy. Asked me to try calling another delivery company, but in the end we just stuck with NB.

Friday morning, 9am, I called J to remind him about the pick-up and to request that it be done before noon. He replied that he'll try... then changed it halfway through the sentence to he'll tell his men. It got me scared and slightly pissed. Just the day before, he said that it would be done early in the morning. Noon is end of morning! Not end of early morning ok! I knew that that's it. I'd have to keep pestering him/them, even if it does not make me feel good. So at 11am, I called him again and asked if he could help me check if they were going down to pick-up the boxes. I told him that I really need it by noon today. He says okay, then called back later and said that he will be going down now to get the boxes himself and will be there before noon. I was thinking, woah, so embarrassing, sales executive have to do this kind of things, carry boxes himself, but very nice and appropriate behaviour. I guess they were really short-staffed too, that's why he had to go down himself. He assured me that he'll be handling this delivery himself, not to worry.
Unfortunately, when he reached there, he called to say that his colleague reported that the lab and the medicine building are 2 different blocks, which is impossible. I was stumped. Didn't know what to say, so he ended up saying he will go down there (which I later decided meant to get his butt out of his car) himself to check it out. Then he found the building, found the place, but what the heck, the in-charge not in. I want to bang head liao. We were laughing over the phone and apologizing to each other countless times. I was so embarrassed that they went down and could not find the person again. Not to mention that he went down in his own car! Not the company's van, but his own car! That speaks a lot. So I asked him to wait while I search out the office phone number of that place, called them, asked if the person could be found - no - then called her handphone, called her other office. I think I took so long that J called me back and I replied that I can't find her as well. We sounded like school kids on a project who can't find the teacher because we were laughing quite hysterically on the phone. More like friends than that my company engaged the services of his company. I was lucky that he was able to take it in his stride. If it were others, they might have screamed at me for firstly, making them go down the first round when the person-in-charge is on leave and secondly, for making them go down a second time when the person-in-charge is not around. Either that or be really cold and just answer "yes" and "no" or give super short answers.

So after many calls and many apologies (from both me and him), my colleague finally managed to get the In-charge and J and his colleague managed to get the boxes down. That was when he appeared at the front door in (pink?) polo tee and jeans. He looked awfully good in pink. Did I remember wrongly? Anyway the box was super heavy and poor him and his colleague had to carry them all the way into the office. He was carrying the heavier box actually. I could tell, and I know just how heavy that box is. Poor him. We thanked each other countless times, settled the consignment note and kind of saw them to the door, thanking them again. It must have seemed silly to thank them, but I thought that it was very nice of J to deliver the goods using his own car and to take it all in his stride too.

Sadly, the nice fantasy in my mind of making small talk with him and him asking for my phone number (which he already has because I SMSed him NUH's exact address), was not realized because we were too busy thanking each other. =D Sounds so funny.

Anyway he's really cute and well, he has a nice voice. It's hard to remember the terrible things I can do to guys and my resolution to be only friends with them, nothing more, when such a cutie is in front of me.

A bit on the plump side in that polo tee and what I could see of his arms, but still looking fit (does he have abs? I wonder) in office clothes, handsome, cute, nice smile and nicely tanned. I wonder if he smokes. Hmm. That would be a major turn-off.

Day 4 musings

I think it (the pain) isn't so bad anymore. Time apart is good for us. I think my wound's healing. Slowly but surely. So long as I don't see him nor see him with another girl, I'm happy. I keep on fantasizing since fantasizing's all I've got. I seriously don't know how long I want to keep this going. I guess as long as both of us are happy the way we are, what's the point in changing it?

So difficult to change and be a nice girl to a guy. Don't give pressure and all. I think I'd rather not get attached. Yeah. Though the thought of not having a guy to cuddle up with, or the thought of not starting my own family in future gets a little depressing. Meanwhile, I still enjoy watching couples in public and watch how they behave. It gets me thinking.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Day 3 musings

It's day 3. Day 3. I get an undescribable pleasure at reading and seeing him update his blog.

It wasn't that difficult not to think about messaging him today either. But I kept on throwing glances at my handphone the whole of today. I wake up and switch on my handphone every morning, hoping that there would be a message from him. Since I have already deleted his number from my phone, any message from him would be from an unknown number. This morning, there really was a messge from an unknown number.

It just wasn't him.

I didn't talk about this: On day 1, I picked up my handphone and typed a message. Hope you are feeling better. I know I'd never be able to send it. I just typed it anyway. Then I cleared the screen. It makes me feel better, just typing out what I want to tell him.

On the way home from work today, I saw this young couple, in secondary school, together. It got me thinking. Why? Because it was obvious that they are more than ordinary friends, the way they stood facing each other, bodies at a closer distance to each other than normal friends. Yet there was a kind of innocence around them. They weren't touching, weren't holding hands. Innocent love, was the first thing that popped up into my mind. So unlike other numerous couples I have seen behaving intimately publicly. Not to say that I haven't done so, which is why I fully understand why couples behave the way they do. It is also one of the main reason why I am amazed at how this particular couple behaved. Not only this young couple, but some other rare ones too. Ok, so maybe I thought I saw the guy having a hard-on, but I'm not sure. I have never consciously looked at how a normal guy's dick looks like in pants. I mean whether or not there is a bulge. Anyway, this young couple was just talking and enjoying each other's company. There was the occasional arm around waist from the guy but nothing too serious. It looked as if the 2 of them could go a long way.

I was reminded of when I saw my XMSB senior on the train some time back, with her boyfriend. Very very senior. Don't think she recognizes me anymore. They were just talking to each other, very engrossed in conversation, looking as if they would never run out of things to say, listening attentively. They weren't behaving intimately. When they got off at the same train station as me, they simply held hands. I could feel the love for each other oozing out of them and I was jealous. Do you know what I mean? At that moment, I finally understood what Elvin once told me - that he has seen many relationships which he knew would never last. Now I understand what he meant by a relationship that would last.

I once read not too long ago, in a book called Played, where a boy asks his mentor how to be a good man to a woman. The mentor replies that at the very least, he should be there as a friend to the woman. Friend. Meaning ability to talk, communicate, listen, comfort etc. without the physical intimacy. Connecting through the heart and mind.

It was today on the MRT, while watching them, that all these went through my mind. I realize that that is what matters. Connecting through the heart and mind. Yes, physical intimacy gives the relationship some spark, but should not completely replace it, nor take up the majority of the aim of the relationship. It struck me that friendship is still the best and that perhaps I should just stick with it. Put romantic relationships out of mind for now. If it decides to pop up then see how. Afterall, there is nothing quite like engaging in a heart-to-heart talk with a close one, or just joking around, teasing and casual chatting. Yes, that fire up one's genitals might also be compared to a talk, but well... *shrugs* you get my point. Actually I think to spend some time in bed with your loved one and talking before/during/after making love is the best. Gets the best of both worlds. I wouldn't know anyway.

What am I talking about?! I should be placing talking above sex!

Don't bother about me. I'm just darn tired. Eyes are on the verge of closing. Forgive me if this entry is slightly in coherent and is bountiful with mistakes. My mind is not working properly.

Sleep!
Day 3. Perhaps, I would dream about him.

2nd last day of work; Studying

Today's the 2nd last day of work and tomorrow is the last day. Joy oh joy!

1 piece of bad news, however. Initially I thought that I would be able to spend my late afternoons swimming for the next week, however after I went for a short swim today, I realize that the muslces of my right arm are still raw since I went to the Chinese physician on Sunday. Taking into consideration the fact that I kind of exerted it today again because of the swim - yes, I am very stubborn, continued swimming although my arm hurts - I might not be able to swim for the next week.
Which bothers me because I don't know what to do.

Don't ask me out for shopping please! *grin* I think I really prefer the library. I really prefer to do my shopping alone as well.

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I realize studying really is better than working. Oh darn, I'm making these stupid comments again. No platform for comparison, remember?

I'm making a promise to myself. When I graduate, my certificate won't just read B. Soc. Sci. (Hons.) in Psychology. It will read B. Soc. Sci. (Hons.) in Psychology, Minor in Physics.
Hell, I don't even know the exact wording on the cert! In any case, I see a lot of sleepless nights ahead of me. Don't know if I will be able to get through it. Pray that I do.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

End of work soon; Spotting differences

My last day of work is this Friday. =) Joy! But then again, that would mean no income. Hmm. Suggestions?

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I think mynahs are cute and they are fat. A few of them anyway. If you look closely, mynahs are like humans. Or should I say, birds are like humans. What I mean is that for each different species, each individual is different from the other. If you have never examined animals/birds, to you all the mynahs look the same. All sparrows look the same. All hamsters look the same. All cats look the same. All dogs look the same. You know what I mean. I'm not saying that I am an expert at observing animals, but I have done some mynah-watching when I walk to the MRT station. Ok, so that's not a lot, but let's ignore that for a while, shall we.

Anyway, if you have never examined birds, they all look the same to you. Have you noticed differences between mynahs or sparrows? I tell you, there are. Just that we don't notice it. Some are fatter, some are slimmer. Some hop slower, some faster. Some like to call more frequently than others. They sound like humans, don't they? The same goes to sparrows. I've noticed that sparrows at that cafe at NUS are exceptionally fat. I once mentioned it to him and he said that all sparrows are fat. That's an example of how one who does not observe birds carefully enough would reply.

The reason why we don't notice the differences between birds of the same species can be attributed to many different reasons. One of which would probably be that our eyes are not accoustomed to how they look. They are not dressed in different coloured clothes like humans. Instead, they have only a (sometimes not) glossy black coat of feathers. Their features are distinctly different. We are just not used to spotting the differences between each of them. Yet the birds themselves are able to tell each other apart. Do you think that birds would easily differentiate us? Or animals on the whole? If based on the logic that eyes are more accoustomed to looking at those of their own species, then shouldn't it be true that birds would not be able to tell one human from the other as well? I have no idea. Perhaps they can, based on stories where birds and animals could recognize humans. And again, humans are able to recognize their own pets as well. Can anybody clear this? Maybe our eyes just need to get used to spotting the differences. Or that we just need to pay more attention to our surroundings.

Imagine giants or aliens looking down at us. Would they be able to tell the difference between 2 asians? Or 2 caucasians?

Frankly, I have trouble differentiating between Caucasians. I used to have more trouble. One reason why I don't catch up with the foreign entertainment scene - I just can't tell them apart. (Then again, it's a vicious cycle. Can't tell them apart then should watch more which I don't, which just worsens my ability to tell them apart.)

I wonder if Caucasians have the same trouble telling Asians apart as well.

Day 2 musings

When I re-read his blog from the first few posts, it is like knowing and learning about him all over again. There's a side to him that freakishly like me, but he is also himself. It is like falling for him all over again. Step one, day one, first mouse-click. Sometimes I think we should have remained friends over the net, then at other times I feel that I would regret it if I had never met him.

Would you rather have a beautiful friendship over the internet with somebody you have never met, or have a horrible relationship with a somebody you see face to face?
It's day 2 and it wasn't so difficult not to message him again. Oh right, his number is erased from my handphone so I couldn't have done it anyway. I'm just afraid that we will never talk again. But then, do I really want to talk to him? I can't bear the thought of him with another girl. It's day 2 and I wonder how was his day. What is he doing right now? Is he going to blog? Or is/was he out? Is that why it's 11pm and his blog is not updated? Why do I care for such trivial things? I expect such things from a guy I like. It is too much, isn't it?

It's day 2.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Dream on

Got this off Sexual Innuendo. No, it's nothing sexual.

Hi all,

Currently I'm involved in a charity project by the name Dream On.

It's a fund raising project initiated by a group of youths. Let's not go into depth of how this whole idea comes about and our goals and aim for the project. Too lengthy and naggy. I'll just go straight to the point.

We're selling concert ticket at the rate of $15 per ticket to the public. You'll not only received the ticket itself but it comes along with a FREE CD recorded professionally in studios. The CD consists of songs that are composed, sang, and played by local bands. You will also see the bands during the concert too. The following are the details of the concert:-

Venue : DXO (beside esplanade, it's actually a pub)
Date: 22nd July 2006 (Saturday)
Time : 1800 - 2200 (you can stay on to drink after 2200 if you want to)

To me, paying $15 for both the concert ticket and CD was already worth while, but at the same time you'll be able to enter DXO with the ticket and skip the cover charges for entering a pub. Guess what? The $15 paid, 100 percent of the $15 goes to charity - "The Straits Time Pocket Money Fund", not a single cent goes to any of our pocket.

It's also a chance for you to gather some of your friends and support this event together, and take it as a chance for a class reunion or a batchmate reunion or a simple gathering with friends.

Even if you're not interested in this event, please do help forward to your friends as they might be interested but had never heard of this project. Your simple act of kindness is greatly appreciated by us and the people who'll benefit from it.

Thank you,
Weiliang
HP: 98170107
Actually I'm very interested to go. Anybody wants to accompany me? 22nd of July!

Grandfather's birthday celebration - 9th July 2006

9th July 2006, Sunday

Last night was at my Grandfather's birthday celebration. Wasn't much of a celebration really. My family went late, at about 7pm so didn't really interact a lot. With each coming year, celebrations get less warm and less interesting. It becomes mostly a tradition, habit, courtesy. I have a big family, but I wonder how close we really are. My family can be split into two, since my grandfather had 2 wives. They are closer to their own, we are closer to our own. My father's generation is still closer to each other, but down to us, I don't even know who are my cousins and what are their names. Some, I have never talked to before.

When it was time the cut the cake, they never waited for everybody to gather to sing the birthday song. Only the grandchildren and great-grandchildren were gathered around him. I didn't even see what the cake was like when it was whole. People started realizing that they were cutting the cake when the birthday song was sung suddenly in unison by the group of kids and a few adults who were in charge of cutting the cake. YY commented, "They never wait for us! My father is still sleeping in the car!" I was disheartened.

With each passing year, it has become an obligation. Boredom. I am aware that it won't take very long for my grandparents to go down the path my grandma took. But will I regret? Perhaps not, because I am fully aware of how things are and there is no point regretting. Then again, I might, because it would be nice to have everybody gathered around and singing a birthday song.
As the cake was further cut and distributed, my grandfather stood at the side, not in front of his cake. His children and grandchildren swarmed around the cake, fussing over how it should be cut, laughing loudly. I look at the scene and see irony. They have their backs turned towards him now, attention on the cake, when by right their attention should be on him. At a certain point in the future, which will happen only once, all of our attention will be focused on him. Shan't talk about that. I just see the irony.

Managed to talk to my grandfather once when he was standing at the side, watching the cake being cut. I wished him happy birthday. Not much passed between us and I wonder why I didn't make more effort then.

It was supposed to be a joyous occasion, but people wanted to go home. YY and her sister wanted it to be over soon. Me? My entire mind was occupied with him. What else? I saw dislike within family members. It embarrassed me. While in the past I would have spoken right out what I thought of these kind of things to those concerned, telling them the possible explanation for each party's actions, now I hardly do it anymore. I don't know where I got the energy to listen and explain to people in the past.

That was how my grandfather's birthday celebration went. I didn't even know how old he was.

Serenity prayer; Day 1

I remember he once said he liked the serenity prayer. Wait a minute, was that him or his friend? Anyway he posted it on his blog today and when I read it, it was as if it was talking about me.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right,
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.

I don't mean the last few lines. Just the first paragraph and the first 3 lines of the second paragraph. Yes, let me accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Live one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time and to accept hardship as the pathway to peace. This last sentence I just quoted is the one I find the most difficulty accepting. Let me also have the courage to accept hardship. Mostly, let me accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It wasn't that difficult not contacting him today.
It's been a month and 2 days.

Today is Day 1. All over again.

Entry from LY's blog

From LY's blog:

been rather long since we last met for supper. neither do i see you online and nor did you update your blog, though i know you were overseas last week. i dont know what exactly im feeling at this moment. but i long for your sms or even just you being online. and for a while, i was glad that at least you wanted to meet for supper on the night before you left for the trip and also on the day you came back. at the very least, i know that you still want to meet me. i dont know what it is going to be like when school starts again. perhaps like how it was last semester, when we did not do any modules together. the occasional bumping into you was much needed for and most welcomed. since we are not doing any similar modules again this time round, i expect the same thing to repeat itself again. great. at least i dont get to see you so often, i wont get reminded of you and perhaps, i can get you out of my mind much easier.
alright. i realised that im not making any sense right now. im blabbering nonsense. im still confused and i dont know what to do about this.
please do not make promises when you know you will break them. its giving me false hopes and making me disappointed when all of it doesnt come true. so can i kindly wish that you can be more clear in whatever you say and do in case that all you wanted was a fling in the first place? stop wasting my time if thats really what you want.

Monday, July 10, 2006

It's time to do something - so I moved my blog

I posted this on my previous blog:

When things start to go overboard, it's time to stop and do something about it. A hundred sorrys don't help. I don't know where to start.

I'm just plain selfish. I'm sorry I ended up hurting you this way, pressuring you like this. I don't want you to be like this. It hurts me to see you in this state. I...

I'm sorry. I swear this time I'll cease communication with you. I swear. SMS, MSN, blog, phone... I'll cease it. I'm really really sorry.

Today I deleted your number from my phone and all the messages you sent so that I have no way of messaging you. I have already deleted you from my MSN contact list so that I can't see when you come online and contact you. My blog... I have no confidence that I won't say stuff here, so I've moved it instead of trying to restrict what I write. It's easier this way. All that's left is email. I don't know how to delete traces of your email from there, nor erase your email address from my memory. I won't contact you through that, though. I swear. From today onwards, I don't exist.

I'm sorry, really sorry.

Take care. Bye.

I think this blog will be here for a few months, so get used to typing the new address. I won't link the old one so that he won't accidentally find it or something. Not that he would, of course. I've done too much harm. He's now feeling so pressurised that he's hallucinating a bit. I'm feeling really sorry about it. And to imagine him like this... It's really time to let go. No matter how hurt I feel, I shouldn't hurt him anymore.

Sometimes, which is a lot of the times, I can't control myself. It's like for males the hormones take control and they won't stop pushing a girl to have sex until he gets it or until he ejaculates. In this case I can't control and not message him. It's simple to say it, but difficult to do it. Isn't it amazing that I'm so small built but exert so much pressure? I don't have the willpower to stay away from him. Why? Because I'm too selfish. I only think of myself and only want to satisfy my desire. I don't care if he's pressurised, upset or whatever. The world has me as its center and I expect him to have me as his center too. Too much to ask for. Caring for a person shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be giving the other person pressure, it shouldn't be stressful.

Initially after the, may I term it this, the break-up, we were friends for a while. I was cheerful because I kept on having hope that things would go back. That's why I could message him happily, wait patiently for his reply, knowing and trusting that he would reply. He wasn't stressed then. That was only a week ago. A week later, after we had a little talk on SMS and MSN, I started to grow paranoid. Why? Because in that conversation it finally came out into the open that he has no more feelings for me. And it all started because of me again, that one stupid SMS that says "what if I say that I miss you still?" I was terribly upset. I don't know why I am. I shouldn't be, really. Perhaps because it is now out - the truth, and my hopes are dashed. I couldn't stand it, not knowing what he was doing, knowing that he wouldn't be bothered with what I was doing, knowing that he just didn't like me anymore. When I hurt my arm, he offered no concern. When I confessed that I was scared, he told me to bring Olivia in and I won't be afraid. The lack of concern irritated me, upset me. So I turned this unhappiness back towards him. In the form of pressure. It wasn't nice how I did it. My smses were insistent, forceful, numerous. I couldn't control myself. It's one big vicious cycle. I'm upset, I message him, he's stressed, don't reply my messages, I get even more irritated and upset, message him more, he's more stressed etc.

I tried to be friends with him, but I didn't try very hard. I don't try my best on anything, which is why it came to be like this. I know you all will tell me to leave him alone now and I know that it is true. I should. It just isn't easy. Like I said, I lack the willpower. So I took the drastic steps. It dawned upon me this afternoon after his sms to leave him alone - I would have to delete his number from my handphone. Only then will I not be able to message him. Only then will he be able to have this peace that he needs. In my mind this afternoon, I was already deciding what to do. MSN, my blog. Whatever I could do, I would do. I apologized to him tonight through SMS and asked for his forgiveness. I felt like I needed to. It is really my fault, my selfishness that is bringing him so much unhappiness. He said that it isn't my fault. He emailed me just now to tell me about this phobia of his, the fear of hearing his phone beep, of the words "I don't want to go to IMH" ringing in his mind, of his heart skipping a beat when his brother mentions "your friend", of imagining hanging himself, of the smell of rotten corpse. It scares me, what I did to him. Again he says that it is not his fault, that to do him a favour and keep quiet for the moment, give him some peace. Maybe some of you might say that it is not my fault, that he doesn't know how to handle it, but I see it as my fault too because I didn't give him the space he needed. I was too insistent, gave too much pressure. It takes a lot to make me realize, but I don't want to wait for when he really goes crazy or something before I truly take action. It's already been so long. I wonder if under this much pressure from me would really scare him off other girls. I hope not. It would make me feel really guilty then.

Yes I can't imagine him in the future holding another girl. It is like somebody is holding a pillow over my face. I feel suffocated. My tears are threatening to spill but I can't find a time quiet enough to cry. When it's quiet enough, I don't feel like crying anymore. I want to be friends with him but I don't know how either. I don't know how to handle it. I can't handle it. Sometimes I feel like I'm breaking down too. I imagine cutting myself on my thighs where nobody can see the scars. I'm destroying myself.

It scares me what I did to him. It scares me what I can do. I wanted to swear to myself this afternoon that I won't fall for another guy again. I don't want to hurt anybody else again. If there is another guy, I would rather he love me more than I love him. Perhaps then he would be able to handle me, tolerate with me long enough for me to change. Because perhaps if he love me more than I love him, he won't feel pressurised when I want to do things a certain way, when I insist on meeting him, insist on him telling me every minor thing in his life. I'm not a very nice person to be with. If I can find a guy who loves me more than I love him, maybe then I will be able to change. Maybe he could show me the way. Maybe I won't be able to hurt him so much. Maybe. Now, I'm just scared and I don't want to fall for anybody anymore. I don't want to hurt anybody else again.

I don't just need emotional gratification. I need physical gratification. Being with him has unleashed in me something I find terrifying. I need a male. If not for long enough, I need him for a while to satisfy that urge inside. Perhaps for a night. Pamper me for a night. Shower me with one night of affection. Tell me that it's alright. One night. Maybe a day and a night. The day to convince me, the night to pamper me.

I swear this time round I won't contact him.

I have a favour to ask from all of you. Please don't link this blog of mine. I don't want any accidental bumping into this blog by him. I swore that I'll keep away from him and I'll do whatever I can to maintain that. If I lapse into sudden bouts of anger, impatience or silence during this period of time, please forgive me. I predict that this blog is going to be quite boring for a while and a lot of talking about him. I apologize for that. I took 2 years to get over some people, I don't know how long it's going to take me this time.

-I'm destructive.-