It's time to do something - so I moved my blog

I posted this on my previous blog:

When things start to go overboard, it's time to stop and do something about it. A hundred sorrys don't help. I don't know where to start.

I'm just plain selfish. I'm sorry I ended up hurting you this way, pressuring you like this. I don't want you to be like this. It hurts me to see you in this state. I...

I'm sorry. I swear this time I'll cease communication with you. I swear. SMS, MSN, blog, phone... I'll cease it. I'm really really sorry.

Today I deleted your number from my phone and all the messages you sent so that I have no way of messaging you. I have already deleted you from my MSN contact list so that I can't see when you come online and contact you. My blog... I have no confidence that I won't say stuff here, so I've moved it instead of trying to restrict what I write. It's easier this way. All that's left is email. I don't know how to delete traces of your email from there, nor erase your email address from my memory. I won't contact you through that, though. I swear. From today onwards, I don't exist.

I'm sorry, really sorry.

Take care. Bye.

I think this blog will be here for a few months, so get used to typing the new address. I won't link the old one so that he won't accidentally find it or something. Not that he would, of course. I've done too much harm. He's now feeling so pressurised that he's hallucinating a bit. I'm feeling really sorry about it. And to imagine him like this... It's really time to let go. No matter how hurt I feel, I shouldn't hurt him anymore.

Sometimes, which is a lot of the times, I can't control myself. It's like for males the hormones take control and they won't stop pushing a girl to have sex until he gets it or until he ejaculates. In this case I can't control and not message him. It's simple to say it, but difficult to do it. Isn't it amazing that I'm so small built but exert so much pressure? I don't have the willpower to stay away from him. Why? Because I'm too selfish. I only think of myself and only want to satisfy my desire. I don't care if he's pressurised, upset or whatever. The world has me as its center and I expect him to have me as his center too. Too much to ask for. Caring for a person shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be giving the other person pressure, it shouldn't be stressful.

Initially after the, may I term it this, the break-up, we were friends for a while. I was cheerful because I kept on having hope that things would go back. That's why I could message him happily, wait patiently for his reply, knowing and trusting that he would reply. He wasn't stressed then. That was only a week ago. A week later, after we had a little talk on SMS and MSN, I started to grow paranoid. Why? Because in that conversation it finally came out into the open that he has no more feelings for me. And it all started because of me again, that one stupid SMS that says "what if I say that I miss you still?" I was terribly upset. I don't know why I am. I shouldn't be, really. Perhaps because it is now out - the truth, and my hopes are dashed. I couldn't stand it, not knowing what he was doing, knowing that he wouldn't be bothered with what I was doing, knowing that he just didn't like me anymore. When I hurt my arm, he offered no concern. When I confessed that I was scared, he told me to bring Olivia in and I won't be afraid. The lack of concern irritated me, upset me. So I turned this unhappiness back towards him. In the form of pressure. It wasn't nice how I did it. My smses were insistent, forceful, numerous. I couldn't control myself. It's one big vicious cycle. I'm upset, I message him, he's stressed, don't reply my messages, I get even more irritated and upset, message him more, he's more stressed etc.

I tried to be friends with him, but I didn't try very hard. I don't try my best on anything, which is why it came to be like this. I know you all will tell me to leave him alone now and I know that it is true. I should. It just isn't easy. Like I said, I lack the willpower. So I took the drastic steps. It dawned upon me this afternoon after his sms to leave him alone - I would have to delete his number from my handphone. Only then will I not be able to message him. Only then will he be able to have this peace that he needs. In my mind this afternoon, I was already deciding what to do. MSN, my blog. Whatever I could do, I would do. I apologized to him tonight through SMS and asked for his forgiveness. I felt like I needed to. It is really my fault, my selfishness that is bringing him so much unhappiness. He said that it isn't my fault. He emailed me just now to tell me about this phobia of his, the fear of hearing his phone beep, of the words "I don't want to go to IMH" ringing in his mind, of his heart skipping a beat when his brother mentions "your friend", of imagining hanging himself, of the smell of rotten corpse. It scares me, what I did to him. Again he says that it is not his fault, that to do him a favour and keep quiet for the moment, give him some peace. Maybe some of you might say that it is not my fault, that he doesn't know how to handle it, but I see it as my fault too because I didn't give him the space he needed. I was too insistent, gave too much pressure. It takes a lot to make me realize, but I don't want to wait for when he really goes crazy or something before I truly take action. It's already been so long. I wonder if under this much pressure from me would really scare him off other girls. I hope not. It would make me feel really guilty then.

Yes I can't imagine him in the future holding another girl. It is like somebody is holding a pillow over my face. I feel suffocated. My tears are threatening to spill but I can't find a time quiet enough to cry. When it's quiet enough, I don't feel like crying anymore. I want to be friends with him but I don't know how either. I don't know how to handle it. I can't handle it. Sometimes I feel like I'm breaking down too. I imagine cutting myself on my thighs where nobody can see the scars. I'm destroying myself.

It scares me what I did to him. It scares me what I can do. I wanted to swear to myself this afternoon that I won't fall for another guy again. I don't want to hurt anybody else again. If there is another guy, I would rather he love me more than I love him. Perhaps then he would be able to handle me, tolerate with me long enough for me to change. Because perhaps if he love me more than I love him, he won't feel pressurised when I want to do things a certain way, when I insist on meeting him, insist on him telling me every minor thing in his life. I'm not a very nice person to be with. If I can find a guy who loves me more than I love him, maybe then I will be able to change. Maybe he could show me the way. Maybe I won't be able to hurt him so much. Maybe. Now, I'm just scared and I don't want to fall for anybody anymore. I don't want to hurt anybody else again.

I don't just need emotional gratification. I need physical gratification. Being with him has unleashed in me something I find terrifying. I need a male. If not for long enough, I need him for a while to satisfy that urge inside. Perhaps for a night. Pamper me for a night. Shower me with one night of affection. Tell me that it's alright. One night. Maybe a day and a night. The day to convince me, the night to pamper me.

I swear this time round I won't contact him.

I have a favour to ask from all of you. Please don't link this blog of mine. I don't want any accidental bumping into this blog by him. I swore that I'll keep away from him and I'll do whatever I can to maintain that. If I lapse into sudden bouts of anger, impatience or silence during this period of time, please forgive me. I predict that this blog is going to be quite boring for a while and a lot of talking about him. I apologize for that. I took 2 years to get over some people, I don't know how long it's going to take me this time.

-I'm destructive.-