Really sorry

I'm sorry, everybody who reads this blog. Some will know why, some won't know. Those who don't know why, most of you are those I want to apologize to. I'm really, really sorry.

Officially 20 - Happy birthday

I don't know. I'm officially 20. I feel 18 inside.

Had dinner with MZ and BL at Swensen's, wanted to head down to either a club or pub for a drink but...

Mom said I had to be home by 1am.

Actually was planning to meet at 10.30pm then go MoS till... I don't know, *shrug*, maybe 2am or so then leave. But I told my parents about it and both quite violently objected, so we changed plans and had dinner instead, but now that I look at it, there isn't much difference whether I went for dinner or went MoS instead since the timing would be about 1 hour difference. Think they were worried about me going to clubs.

I don't know. I'm feeling quite pissed, actually. Before today, I was treated like a 19. Yesterday I was treated like a 18. It's my birthday, I really would like to decide what to do. This is just it, you know. This is how I spent my birthday eve and I can tell you how I'll spend it today. A dinner just now, study through the night, a lunch with JY in the afternoon, maybe a birthday cake from my parents, maybe presents (I don't really care about that). It sounds quite alright, doesn't it? I don't know. I really wanted to go out.

Yaoming wished me happy (belated - what the!) birthday 1 full day before today, another friend wished me a few hours in advance, YZ wished me happy birthday at exactly 12, MZ sent me an SMS although she was right beside me at 12, BL sent me an SMS (to which I replied) although she was also in front of me at 12.03am, YY wished me on MSN the first thing when I went online, Brennan (JC classmate) actually remembered my birthday too, Benison (after I reminded him) wished me also and Nasrul, a guy I knew online from youtube, also wished me. Oh, Nasrul even bought me rechargeable batteries because I lost mine! =D I'm going to receive something through post, yay, and have batteries for my camera again.
Ok, I should stop updating the list of who wished me happy birthday. Thanks to all of you who wished me and who will wish me! =) You all made my (very very early) day.

Happy birthday, Bao Ling! =) Happy 20th birthday to me too!

Freaking out because I'm turning 20

I really really don't feel like I'm turning 20. Until my friend online said that I should do something crazy on every birthday so that I can think back and remember, he put it as, "I did this this this on my 20th". I was calm for a couple of seconds, then the word "20th" hit me. I mean, I'm not that old! I don't feel 20, however it is supposed to feel. In fact, I'm very comfortable being 19. Very, very comfortable and would like to remain at this age forever.

*sob* sigh.

I'm turning 20. I've been so busy studying that I didn't even realize I'm turning 20. Shit, I'm still so naive, how?

Okok, calm down, CLAM DOWN... I mean CALM DOWN! Breathe, breathe!

I always wondered why people always say after 20 the years pass very fast. Now I guess I'll know. SHIT! HOW? I don't want to know!

CALM DOWN! Breathe!

okok... It is only society's perception that after 20 the years pass very fast. It passes fast because you are supposed to start to work soon (what job what job? I don't have any job in mind!) and get a partner soon (what partner?! I don't have a partner, how?!) and grow up in terms of attitude because in a year you are 21 and considered an adult (WHAT?! I'm not an adult! I'm still 19 at heart! You mean I'm supposed to feel, think, behave like an adult? How the heck am I supposed to know how an adult feels?!). See? It's nothing much. It's all something society ingrained into us, that's all.

Can somebody stop the time?

Raising an eyebrow

Somebody trying to teach me how to lift one eyebrow on MSN:

Sub-Superstylin says:
you frown first with your brows

Sub-Superstylin says:
than try to bring one up

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | forbidden city was great | says:
cannot

Sub-Superstylin says:
or rather cringe one side of your face first

Sub-Superstylin says:
hahaha

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | forbidden city was great | says:
cannot leh

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | forbidden city was great | says:
my face all scrunched up

Sub-Superstylin says:
eeks

Sub-Superstylin says:
ahahah

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | forbidden city was great | says:
haha

Sub-Superstylin says:
or just hold one

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | forbidden city was great | says:
with hand right

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | forbidden city was great | says:
I tried liao

Sub-Superstylin says:
hold one down with hand

Sub-Superstylin says:
yar

Sub-Superstylin says:
hahaha

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | forbidden city was great | says:
then i release hand

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | forbidden city was great | says:
then go back


I feel kind of dumb.

Stressed

Damn, I'm getting so stressed over schoolwork I'm having trouble breathing.

Suppression

Suppression is like a tiny box. Everything squeezed into it by force, packed in with a density so high that one day it will collapse into itself and become a blackhole, suck everything in, destroy the person.

--------------------------
I'll blog about forbidden city and lunchbox when I can and feel like it.

--------------------------
Will somebody, anybody just take me far far away? Take me away please. Just take me away.

Everything, everywhere

I've got a Lunchbox performance and Forbidden City to blog about and all I can think of is him, him, him! 3 months already! Why is it still like that?! I miss him like crazy. Every minute, everything I see, everywhere I go, I'm reminded of him. Even tonight at Esplanade Theatre, he's on my mind.

Almost every freaking minute he's on my mind. 3 months later and it's beginning to eat at my heart all over again. It's driving me crazy and it hurts like... I just epilated my armpits. =D It ain't so bad anymore, this pain, but it's still there. I can laugh, smile and joke, but inside I'm blue. I'm navy blue, sky blue, msn-conversation-window-blinking blue. Sometimes I'm white inside. Blank paper white, blogger-typing-screen white, an envelope's white. Blue because I'm upset, white because there is nothing. Things aren't so greyish like in the past, I can see in front of me, I don't hurt myself physically anymore and I can breathe more easily. This is good, right? Yes, it is.

Sometimes inside I'm a myraid of colours because I get a response from him, or an email. Mostly it is because I hope and I dream and I read too much into things. But I know everytime I have colours inside me, it is going to rain again and the pain is coming back. Pain is not grey or blue or white. Pain is orange or red. Even when I'm blue inside, it's not blue. Blue is only an adjective to describe how I feel. Inside I'm always orange or red or white or grey. I don't remember blue. Loneliness is not a colour. It is an emptiness. It is invisible. It is not white. It is a hole inside. When he left, he left a (now) hole inside of me. Loneliness is also a shroud of mist, a veil. It blurs everything, covers me. A mist through which if a person reaches out his/her hand into towards me, he/she can grab me easily but which shuts me off from the outside. I keep within this shroud of mist. I feel the mist growing thicker and thicker and I don't understand why.

Somehow I got myself onto a ship from a nice cosy boat. Somehow I fell out of the ship. Somehow my boat is beside me. Somehow I can't get into my boat. Somehow I'm in the water. I don't know why I'm in the water. The water is warm and cold at the same time.

I want him. I don't want him. I want him. I can't have him.

People, I'm finding it so difficult to let go.

All of a sudden

Last night I was lying on my bed turned to my side, an unusual sleeping position since I usually sleep on my back with arms thrown up over my head (yeah yeah, embrace freedom, embrace whatever comes my way, whatever) and hugging my bolster. I found myself rocking to and fro.

Then I suddenly found myself crying.

Very surprised, shocked.

wish granted. take it back

I wish...

*poof* Wish granted




take it back please.

Obsessive Compulsive Behaviour

I find this really scary. Enjoy.

Judging a book by its cover

For some time I've thought that I'm not one who would choose my friends based mainly on their looks. I say "mainly" because I feel that all of us do that from time to time or have done it before - judging a book by its cover. Last night I realize that I have in a way been doing that all the time. I feel repulsed by somebody who doesn't look ok or look good or look at least decent, although the person might be a great conversationalist. For a long time whenever I feel that way, I'd force that feeling down and tell myself that it is utter rubbish to feel that way, that the person is nice and I shouldn't look only on the outside. But the truth is that I do. The truth sucks, it hurts and I'm utterly disgusted at myself. What right do I have to judge people this way? Cast them aside because they don't look good? I'm not exactly good-looking either and I don't dress sensibly most of the time, so I can't do this.

I could say that oh well, I'm born this way, I can't help it. (Is this external attribution?) Do you all think a person could really say this? It's quite crap, isn't it? A lot of such things are inculcated, socialized into us by society. I think I got the socialization phrasing wrong but anyway...

I'm experiencing cognitive dissonance because I'm aware of myself, evaluating and comparing my behaviour with my internal standards and values (self-awareness theory). I find it very difficult to change this mindset of mine and in a very uncomfortable state of self-awareness because I am experiencing disagreeable feedback about myself - I thought I wouldn't look at a person's outlook but in fact I do. What can I do? . According to self-awareness theory, I could either change my mindset (which is difficult) or think that it is fine to be this way (which is easy); I could escape the self, stop being self-aware, do something to distract myself (no good because I'll have to face the problem soon, and I mean VERY soon), plunge myself into drinking, binge eating, sexual masochism (hmm, sounds interesting); turn to religious expression and spirituality (this is an entirely different issue I want to write about); or I could just let it remind me of what is right and wrong and ultimately go back to the idea of changing my attitude/mindset to suit my moral standards.

This is very, very difficult indeed.

You know, it is very normal for people to look at the physical aspect of a person and like that person because of how he/she looks in the beginning. (I'm changing my mindset, telling myself that it is fine. Ahh, I don't feel as much dissonance already.) No no! I cannot do this! Furthermore I've talked to that person for some time, can tell he's a nice person, so how can I re-judge him because of how he looks?

I'm a horrible person.

MSN - holy shit

On YZ's MSN nick:

Holy shit.

Geez, I've never encountered one before. Have you? If so, did you pray to it?

Silent mail

I sent him an email asking him if he wanted to go watch Lunchbox at Esplanade this coming Tuesday, knowing full well that I would get rejected. Why did I do it then? I don't know. I just missed him, I guess. I haven't gotten a reply and I was expecting one, and I'm guessing he's either thinking of a way to reject me, or he isn't going to reply at all. So SH if you are reading this, you don't have to reply to that email, it's ok. I already know your reply and was just giving it a shot. Thanks for reading it anyway. And I'll be going for Lunchbox, but even if you do go, I don't think there is a chance of us seeing each other there at all so no worries about that.

*edit*
He replied my mail. Poor him can't get out because he's stuck with his parents. Sigh.

---------------------------
I still cried today, but it doesn't hurt as much.

I'm "in the process".

Games

When our parents were young, they played masak-masak. When we were young, we played catching at void decks. Now kids play games on computer or the internet. Hell, my 7 year old sister can navigate her way around the internet, type in URLs, play games on the internet etc. She plays games like, well... You know those games using joysticks? Like supermario or something? Where the characters jump around trying to get points? I don't know what to call those but yes she actually plays those, only that it's online. She's 7+ going on 8 and she plays those games. I don't know whether to be awed or jealous. Here's a sample. That is Sonic on Crazymonkeygames.com. Crazymonkeygames is recommended by her teacher, by the way.

(I like Busy burger from crazymonkeygames =P)

Then there are games which are totally not suitable for her age. Check out this site called puffgames.com. There are games like southpark, boneless and skull kid. What troubles me is that she was sawing through people in skull kid and not being bothered by the cartoon characters hyperventilating and collapsing on the ground complete with blood forming a pool around it. Sure it's only cartoon but it's not right for them to do this, especially when they are kids. Plus the games are mindless, though morbidly entertaining in their own way. Especially because it is morbid, it is NOT suitable for kids. I am adamant about that. If there are parents around or somebody old enough to tell them that these kinds of things in the games are wrong then at least they would learn, but she was playing on her own until I came in and saw what she was doing. Plus these games do not teach them that it's wrong. They drive their motor cars over people, cut through items and humans and you actually hear applause at the end of it. If it's me I'd enjoy playing them because they are mindless and because I know what I'm doing, but not a 7 year old kid like her!

Ok, I sound like the website especially created the site for kids her age. Sorry about it, I was just worked up over the fact that my sister was playing something like this and not showing a sign of disturbance or fear on her face. I don't really have anything against that site, in fact I find the games morbidly fascinating. It's just that I don't understand why her friend actually recommended this site to her, not to mention that her friend is her age. It's freaky and extremely disturbing.

I think the site ought to put a sign that warns of disturbing/violent/containing blood/dismembering scenes, just so that people know, you know?

I am so going to station myself behind her when she uses the computer.

Anyway, because I know people reading my blog are old enough, you all should check out "boneless". It's kind of gross but fascinating to pull the girl through the nooks and crannies, seeing her get squashed, limbs in every other direction. She's not really boneless, if you noticed - she has joints. She's just really really flexible. There's even a male version called Bushless which is... Just go check it out. =D

On an unrelated note, beat me at Monkey Kick Off. =)

Exxonmobil Campus Concert - Genie's MAgIC

So last night I was at NUS theatrette watching this girl named Genie singing. She set up a private initiative named Genie's MAgIC, short for Movement Against Illegal Content - sharing/downloading. She's also a singer, song writer, composer etc. If you want to know more about her, click here to get to her website. She's got a great voice, has got talent, the guts to step out on her own and produce her own record. That's really admirable.

On watching her perform last night...
Currently she's better off playing the piano and singing at the same time because at least she doesn't have to think of what to do in between all of the breaks in the songs. I really enjoyed the last 3 songs (only) mostly because she was playing the piano and it was really horrible watching her standing on stage looking down sometimes or just standing there waiting for the next part of the song. She has really got a nice voice, but I felt bored all the same, right from the very start.

I thought the caucasian kids sitting quietly (not) in front of me was very interesting to watch.

I was bored enough to start turning around to look at who is behind me, bored enough to start to scribble on the back of the paper, bored enough to contemplate leaving in the middle of it all. But no, I stayed till the end. Can't say that I regretted it, but can't say that I didn't regret it either. Not to mention that the photographer's flash was darn blinding. And the fact that Genie wasn't in the spotlight most of the time, which I found very VERY irritating.

Ok I feel kind of bad saying all these of her. She put in a lot of effort.

Oh there was a magician in between the songs too! He was very funny, kept on leaving his wand everywhere and forgetting where he put it. He's middle aged and in my opinion, kind of on the old side. In this age where David Blaine and streetmagic are the norm on TV, watching traditional magic tricks felt very weird. He made a lighted stick float in the air in the dark... I mean it was in the dark! Ironically, because it was dark, whatever light glinted off the invisible string that he had attached to the light stick. Frankly I was darn disappointed because though I am already 19 (turning 20), I am still amazed that a person can make that thing "float" in mid air with seemingly nothing supporting or connected to it. I believed it was magic (though I have never told anybody so)! I never quite believed that there is a string attached but now I'm faced with reality. I still don't know how they can pass their hands through the air around the stick if there is the string connected to it. I don't get it, really. Don't tell me, I like the mystery.

Get your mouse off the comment link now. I said don't tell me already.

And I'm amazed at how he made that dove disappear. He puts it into the box, waves his wand, opens the box, disassembles it and the dove's gone! It's like magic!

Oi! Don't click on the comment link and tell me how he does it hor!

Although the concert was very boring, the theatrette was very nice. I've never been inside there. Red carpets and normal LT seats with tables.

Genie reminded me of Damien, actually. The female version of him. I don't mean the way she looks, it's what she does.

This is the first time I've been disappointed after watching a campus concert although I can learn something from her.

Walking (in my mind)

I want to go walk and I can't help wishing that I could walk with him.

Being alone

When I was in secondary school or JC, one of my teachers once said that university, or entering one, is like a bottleneck. Difficult to get in but easy once inside.

---------------------------------
Almost every other day in school I eat lunch alone, head for lessons alone, study in the library alone, stay back in school late alone. I've kind of become used to this feeling of doing everything by myself. It's become so familiar and comfortable that today when an acquaintance walked past the table where I was studying at, sat down and started to talk, I found myself quite tongue-tied and irritated, like how I've been recently. Where in the past I could joke with strangers, talk like nobody's business, now I don't seem to be able to do that anymore. There's a kind of wonder in being by myself and I have to say that I like it. Yet sometimes there is a vacuum inside me. I would pause and wonder if it had always been there or have I gotten used to that feeling so that it has become natural.

Ok, have to head down to LT13 now to listen to some girl perform. Again courtesy of Exxonmobil.

NUSPsyche AGM, the 6-hour decision

The whole point of this entry is summarized in the bolded sentence at the end.

The handphone alarm rang at 7am, I effectively woke up at 7.10am. I packed my bed and opened my wardrobe, trying to decide what to wear today. Only one lecture, so no need to be too nice, but planning to attend NUSPsyche AGM so can't be too sloppy. I finally chose my outfit, put on contacts and went to school. Arrived for lecture late. Finished lecture at 12pm, had lunch, headed to CL, did my work and revised, checking the time occasionally, waiting for 6.30pm.

4.20pm: Shit, discovers a major error in my homework. Packs my stuff and heads to AS7 to use the computer to correct the mistake (and because I'm suffering from Internet withdrawal symptoms).

5.45pm: Still at computer, wonders if I should go for the AGM or not. I'm still dressed quite sloppily. I was in slippers. The irony of this morning's decision.

6.00pm: Should I? Should I not? I stayed till so late already, might as well go.

6.15pm: Still can't decide. Heck, I'll just walk down and decide later.

6.25pm: Walking down the stairs, spots LT12, still can't decide. I pause before the 2nd flight of steps down and away from LT12. Heck, I'll just walk past it, maybe I can decide.
I walk and walk and walk past the LT, eyes staring at the people outside it. I reach the other end of the walkway, went down the steps, walked past Coffee Club Express (hey! they renovated the place!), looked absent-mindedly at what they are selling. I walk on, heading towards the terminal.
Guess I'll just give the AGM a miss.

Forgot Coffee Club Express is just beside LT12 too. I'm back at LT12 again, only that I'm at the bottom of the LT, outside the doors. Should I? Should I not?

I just spent 6 hours in school after my last lecture waiting for NUSPsyche AGM and ended up at Kent Ridge Terminal waiting for bus 151. I kind of regret it.

Fear - Parent

I know I'm only 19 (turning 20) but I can't help thinking of the following.

I have a sister who is 12 years younger than me. By right I should be gaining some experience coaching her and all that, but in actual fact this is not the case. My mom does everything. I feel kind of bad. The point is that watching my mom do all that, teaching her, tolerating, losing temper, smiling, laughing with my sister... I wonder if I would be able to do all that in the future when and if I'm ever a mother. I've got a bad temper and I really doubt if I'd ever be a good mother to my children in the future. On the few sessions I've had to coach my sister in her schoolwork, get her away from the computer or the TV, I've not found it easy. There are times when I've lost my temper and chased her out of my room, not wanting to teach her.

I don't want my kid to be scared of me, but I don't want them to be climbing over my head either. I don't want them to be stressed, but I have no idea how to make them do both their best and to do well enough in school. I don't want to threaten them with the cane but how do you instill discipline in them? I don't want them to become too dependent on me, to not do the housework, not wash the dishes, but I don't know if I will be able to train them to do all those without them screaming at me and me giving up. There are tons of other things I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to do when and if I'm ever a mother. I don't believe it when people says you'll know what to do when the time comes. I believe that a person learns to be a parent, the person learns the role. He/she is not born with it.

Then again maybe I'm thinking too far and too much. Afterall, I'm only 19, it'd be sometime before any of that happens. Yet a few years don't seem a long time. And again maybe it will never happen.

What am I doing?! I should be having fun now! *heads to the playground*

Ballet Folklorico De Veracruz

This is going to get very long.

14th September 2006, Thursday

Another Exxonmobil Campus Concert at 7.30pm. This time round it's a Mexican group called Ballet Folklorico De Veracruz. It's my first time attending a performance involving any sort of dance. Not sure if you could call them a dance group although they dance because it's really more of a celebration of their culture. They are really great though! Here's a brief idea of who they are:

BALLET FOLKLORICO DE VERACRUZ
From the Industrial School "Concepcion Quiros Perez" of Xalapa, Veracruz, Mexico. Institution of Arts and Offices with 125 years of tradition.

The Folklore Ballet of Veracruz has been awarded with the State Prize for the Merit to the Dance, which is given by the government of the State of Veracruz, the Sports National Commission and the Mexican Ministry of Culture and Education; and has also turned into one of Mexico's representative of culture overseas. They have traveled extensively and bagged several accolades over the years.

This Mexican group aims to showcase their culture to the world audience. With a sense of pride of their roots, they guarantee the best of Mexican ethnic music and dance.

So I guess they are considered a dance group. I got a taste of how mexican festivals and dances are like - very lively, fun and very colourful. Got audience participation too. I was scared to death that they'd pull me up on stage. Shall I start from the first dance?

The first dance is called Danzas De Concheros. It's a traditional dance complete with colourful traditional robes, head-dress and incense. Yes, you read that right - incense burning in the relatively small UCC theatre. Perhaps what this mexican woman sitting 2 seats away from me said would give you an idea of what it's like: "If I saw this in a desert, I would wet my pants."
I found it quite interesting, though. It's actually a dance in their ancient society, a means to communicate with their gods. In the programme booklet there are several lines under this title like "Drums Introduction - Snails", "White Eagle", "Ceremonial to a new 'conchero'", "Clearing the space of bad spirits" etc. I'm not sure why it's there, but I guess it is to give us an idea on what the dance is about. So yes, there really was something like a ceremony going on, with the person lying on the ground, the dancers all serious, bringing out the incense, bringing it over the man's body and all that. All starting with and ending with a marvellous dance, perfectly coordinated. Halfway through they'll shout or call out. And in a way this first traditional dance was a wonderful way to start the whole thing (actually I liked this first one the best because it was serious), clearing the space of bad spirits, hoping that it would be a successful evening, giving it a beginning, if you all get what I mean.
Alright if you all want to know, I was actually shocked at the kind of dance I saw. I didn't expect anything like that. I was expecting classical dance. What's a layman who have had no prior experience to watching dance suppose to think when she sees the word "ballet" in the title?

Danzas De Concheros

The 2nd dance called Alegria Yucateca gave us an idea of the type of dance we were to expect for the rest of the evening. Simply put, it's called "The Women that puts on make up" (as printed in phamplet) and "El Torito (the small bull)". There was only the female and 2 other males. The 2 males were trying to win the lady's favour, if I don't remember wrongly. So they dance, complete with heel banging, tap-dancing-like steps. It was marvellous watching how they coordinate, watching the way they bang their feet. It was even more marvellous when they put beer bottles (for the males) and an entire tray with glasses and bottles (for the lady) on their heads and started to dance like nobody's business. Though one of the man did drop his bottle, he picked it up, put it back and continued the dance. I thought the female was great with her tray. In the later part, imagine a bull fight, only that the bull was in the form of a lady in red on heels who dances beautifully and her horns were her hands. If you will pull out from your mind any idea on how mexicans in shows dress, you will know how the lady looked like.

Dance number 3 shows a wedding. The girl is pretty. I vaguely remember they have this long cloth thingy on sticks which men carried around. It reminded me of dragon dance.

I think this one is one scene from the wedding dance.

Dance 4: Danza De Los Viejitos De Jaracuraro. I love this one! It starts off with a dancer dressed like an old man (as it should be - it is the nature of the dance for dancers to do so) appearing when the wedding moves backstage, waving bye. He was bent, wore an "old man" mask, had a colourful cloth around his shoulders and carried a cane. He looked shocked to see us, pointed to us, looked at the mexican band lined up at the back of the stage and using body language, asked what the heck or who the heck were we. At sometime he laid down on the stage, placed his hat on the girl in the front row. He turned back, beckoned one of the men in the back to come forward and together with him, pulls the girl onstage. The man proceeds to act as if to walk off with the girl but the old man pulls her back. It's hilarious! You've got to watch it if you can. At times during the dance they dance so lively and then at other sections they have got a sudden bout of athritis or something. There is even a section where one of the old men (a group of them came out later on) actually fell off the stage and scared those in front. By the way, those in the front row were really right in front of the stage. Hell, if one of the dancers forgot to wash his/her feet, they'd have been able to smell it.

The "old men"

The other dances were all about the same style - heel banging, typical mexican dances, complete with full swirly colourful skirts that the ladies pinch at the sides and hold straight up. I thought pictures would do a better job.


Those are NOT scenes taken exactly from UCC. The stage at UCC is much smaller and there are no background props, but I guess the dances and costumes are more or less the same. It made me realize just how much they had to compromise dancing on that tiny stage, reminds me of when we do shows impromptu.

The dances are very lively, they'd hoot and call and shout while dancing, I suppose in an attempt to get us to clap and whistle, hoot and shout along. Well, I'd have to say that us Singaporeans lot are a lot more difficult to rouse. I think they got tired of smiling at the end and shouting and all that though they still maintained their smiles as brilliantly as they could. It's not a choice, it's part of professionalism. I have done shows before and I know how it feels like. It's awfully difficult to keep smiling and being high when your audience is kind of quiet. You could sense the tiredness and lack of eagerness in the dancers at the end of the show that night. I think they were depending on us to shout, whistle and clap too so that they wouldn't have to do it so much, but since we didn't, they had to keep on doing it. Plus they didn't have our enthusiasm to feed on. I found it odd, doing all those in a theatre. Afterall, the theatre is a formal place. But we can't blame them because the dances are really festival dances and so were supposed to be loud and fun. We did clap along at some sections but they never lasted long. There was a mexican lady in front of me and 2 seats away who was very lively, clapping, shouting and bouncing in her seat (yes I was seated beside an entire group of mexicans and their non-mexican friends. One of the mexicans was my tutor for CNM last semester.) I pitied the dancers who were trying very hard but it was very difficult for me to suddenly jump up and start shouting and jumping around =P Psychology - Group conformity. We did gave them a very loud applause at the end, though. We always do at the end of a dance, just not during it. =)

Then at the end they came off-stage and pulled some up to dance and then subsequently went on stage, forming a long line, snaking across the stage, curling everywhere. Luckily I didn't get pulled up.

Oh some of the ladies were really very pretty and very tall. There were also some positions at the end of the dances where it looked as if the pairs of male-female dancers were going to kiss. I wondered if the men were ever tempted to do so and if they ever did.

This is a very long entry and a very outdated one. =)

I'm watching The Forbidden City!

I'm going to watch The Forbidden City next week! =D
This IS a birthday present from somebody. Guess who?



ME!
Ok, that's kind of sad but oh well, I don't mind. The thing is that I'm going alone. Damien, instructor of SPU, in case you all don't know/remember, who's playing in the musical asked me to SMS him when the show's over and he'll give me a lift home. I'm a bit apprehensive about that. Good thing is that I get to save money on transport and the fear of not being able to catch the last train (which most probably won't happen), and I get to reach home safe and sound without fear of some guy wanting to satisfy his sexual lust down in the dark alleys (now keep your minds off the thought of Damien doing anything please - the thought's gross), bad thing is that it's kind of intimidating being in his presence and it's kind of embarrassing to have him give me a lift home too.

However it turns out, I'm still glad that I'm going to watch it next Wednesday. =D 27th September, 8pm at Esplanade Theatre, to be exact.

haha =D hoho =D

Sorry, am too excited. =D

Oh the ticket cost me $72 and I bought the ticket online using my father's credit card. I plan to pay him back. It was kind of exciting doing transaction online - my virgin online transaction. =) Once I click the "submit" and "process order" and see the "transaction completed" I feel so good! =)

A lot of smiley faces in this entry because I'm very happy. =)

Skipped school

I skipped school again today. I have an awfully high jump and enormous strength. I actually skipped school like I would a jumping rope.

An 8 am lecture wasn't worth my $3.02 nor the travelling time.

Slightly freaked

Ok, I'm kind of freaked out over here.

The guy I like doesn't give me concern, another guy I hardly know is showing me lots of that. I mean I hardly know him!

Help?

Last night

Met Daniel and YY last night for dinner at Marina Square's some Hongkong Cafe. Nice food. Chatted. As D is working for mint in City Hall for the duration IMF and World Bank are here, he told us a lot of things, too many to list down. Some are downright hilarious, like how people from different countries respond to heat, their body sizes, the Singapore ushers pronouncing hotel names wrongly (I thought that was embarrassing), the shuttle bus taking one big round to Shears Bridge instead of the direct route to the destination (I forgot the place) somewhere around Suntec (of course) apparently to introduce the delegates around Singapore. We were saying that imagine that tour guide in the bus introduce the places out of the windows and then... "this is Jurong." Exaggeration, I know, but amusing. He also said that some of the delegates are surprised by the thunders yesterday. Shocked, more like it, because I thinksome of them don't really encounter such thunderstorms in their own countries often. YY was saying that this girl from another country in her psychology class seating behind her went "It's raining!" I think we're really used to such weather. I was actually surprised that they are surprised at thunderstorms. Maybe it's just me, too naive. We chatted for around 2 hours plus.

Then we walked around, D handed me the coins, I gave him the money, and off we headed home.

Take a look at the coin here. The $5 one at the top, pure silver. Not mine, is my aunt and her friend's.

Lying

I don't like being lied to. Why do I get the feeling that I've been lied to again and again and again?

I am not wrong

Everytime I tell him I feel for him, whether the emotions are happy or sad or just missing him, I have to accompany it with the word "sorry". I don't know why I'm apologizing, or maybe I do know why I'm apologizing, just that I don't understand why I'm doing it. I apologize because I know everytime I say I feel for him, he feels bad, probably something along the line of guilt. But why should I apologize? Why should I apologize for liking him? Why should I apologize for feeling hurt? I shouldn't be apologizing. He should be telling me not to apologize. It isn't my fault for falling for him, it isn't my fault for feeling hurt. When I apologize, it doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm betraying myself, looking down on myself. It's not like he's married or engaged, I'm not doing anything wrong.

But I can't tell him because it's a burden to him, and frankly I find it difficult to keep it to myself, it's leaking out everywhere. I'm not like some who can keep to oneself. I don't find it effective, don't find it good for myself. Call me selfish, I have already admitted that I am. So telling him about my feelings is wrong? *ponders* Most probably yes.

What's the best way? Keep my feelings to myself, keep my mouth shut.

I'm writing this because about a month ago when we were sorting things out, I asked if it was wrong to like him. He hesitated before saying that it's not wrong but he'd advise me against it. I really don't like that hesitation, it bugged me. So a month later I want to tell myself and tell him and tell everybody that I am not wrong in liking him.

Do you all hear me? I like him and I am not wrong.

I want, but I'm lost for words

I...

*smiles feebly*

On a side-note, found this poem in sgforums.

I'm Six Weeks Old Today Mommy
A Birthday Gift For Me
A Pair Of Big Blue Eyes
Through One Day I Will See.

Where Are We Going Mommy?
With The Rain All Splashing Down?
When It Hits The Sidewalk,
It Makes A Funny Sound.

Banging Through The Big White Doors,
Come People Dressed In Green.
If They Hurt You Mommy,
Just Run Away And Scream.

Help Me Mommy,
They're Tearing Me Apart.
There Go My Big Blue Eyes.
There Goes My Little Heart.

I Love You Mommy.
Believe Me, I Do.
But Most of All Mommy,
I Thought You Loved Me Too.

lunch; date

Was standing in queue for spaghetti during lunchtime when somebody called my name. I turned around and surprise, surprise, it's SH. Read his account here. Apparently his friend, Meder is also in NUS on business (not for school) and SH asked me to join them but I declined. I'm already very happy to see him and it's enough.

---------------------------

Can I date you?

Somebody asked after hearing my voice on youtube. *rolls eyes* I'm very flattered =)

Listen to me sing here and here.

Honestly I don't think I have a great voice or sing particularly well, but I really appreciate those of you who think that I do. Now, I think there are some in this season's Singapore Idol who sing marvellously well.

I think Jonathan is very charming. =) And did I hear that he's from NUS?

Sleep? What's that?

I've been hardly having enough sleep lately. If you consider 3 hours of sleep in the bed, sleep, and about an hour of shut-eye in the bus to and fro school sleep. So I squeeze in about 5 hours of rest per night/day and surprisingly I feel more awake at 7pm than at any other times of the day. Also surprisingly, I can function reasonably well with such little amount of sleep though right now my eyes feel swollen and I feel like just dumping all my work into the bin and head to bed.

So many things to talk about, so little time.

My 2nd home

Look at the time above and below. Guess where am I?


AT SCHOOL! Doing the bloody error analysis for lab. Can feel gastric pains coming. $%^#%#$^ Reminds me of the time I was at AS7 too for my NM project.

Ok, time to go home and launch into more schoolwork. Haven't even done the work to be handed up tomorrow! So dead.

His latest post sounded ok, happy even. Hopefully that's the case! =)

OK! Home!

Video by Olivia

Olivia did this clip by herself one day at my table when I wasn't at home, using the family camera. This is specially for SH. Hopefully he will feel better after watching this, if not, hopefully he'll feel better soon.



If you need space, go get it.

Myth: Beauty is success

Do you know that if you are tall, you tend to be able to succeed in life? Myth: Beauty equated with success.

Learned that from SC1101. Shit. Now I just have to try and add about 10cm to my height.

YZ is going to HK!

YZ will be going to Hong Kong tomorrow! Bon Voyage! Enjoy yourself there! =)

get me presents =P Just kidding!

Let's go out after you come back.

GSD; suicidal insects

Gundam Seed Destiny which shows every saturday at 11am on Kids Central is... weird. The voices of the characters are obviously dubbed by english speakers and there are subtitles as well. What's weird is that the words spoken and the subtitles don't match so that I had problems understanding what they were speaking, couldn't decide whether to follow the words spoken or read the subtitles. Ended up analyzing which one is more accurate so that I could follow that, and scrutinizing the words to see the differences in meanings given by the two mediums. Quite a bit of cognitive work done here watching anime.

No, I don't watch that show nowadays.
---------------------------------------

Was reading SH's entry on being sweet.

That day another fly flew into my hand, which was attached to my arm, which was swinging gently by my side because I was walking at a leisurely pace. I think it hit my finger and died instantly since it should be flying at quite a high speed towards me (my hand). I mean I could actually feel the little tiny body hit me with quite a force. Tried looking for the fly on the floor or something, but sadly couldn't find it.

First a wasp flew into my hair, hit its head and died on the spot. No, I wasn't wearing gel. Then a few more flies flew into me and died.

Odd, I'm not exactly big-sized, don't know why insects tend to fly into me. Maybe they're suicidal and I attract suicidal insects.

I'm lucky birds and crows have only flown very close to me. Haven't met a suicidal bird yet.

Time, beginning... quasi-end

It didn't seem very long but in fact it is quite long. I'm talking about time, don't think something else. I'm feeling amazed at how things changed within this period of time. Beginning is always sweet, isn't it? Scary what reading through the archives can do to you, bring back memories you have completely forgotten. If...

What's the use of saying 'if's. Fact is fact. It's life. I'm still doing what I said I'll be doing.

Seriously, I wish he'd start tagging again. At first I blogged because I liked blogging, then I blogged because he was reading and tagging and I enjoyed the process, now I just don't really find the motivation to blog. Reading blogs, yes. Commenting, yes. But me, blogging. *shrug* Really nothing much anymore. Knowing that he doesn't come in as often anymore just doused the passion for it. Silly as it seems, that's the fact.

In a way, like a quasi-experiment, what I'm feeling is, if I may use the term, a quasi-end.

Birthday wish-list

There is still some time before my birthday but I already have a wishlist. Sort of. *grin* Don't get me photoframes, teddy bears or soft toys, clothes, skirts (even if you want to force me to wear one) or anything to be put on display. No drumsticks (not chicken ones), scores or auxilaries (however spelt).

There are 3 things that I want so far for my birthday.

1) Watch Forbidden City.
Any time (except even week fridays) would be good, especially if it's on the last week of September because that's NUS recess week. $70 or $80 tickets would be good, not sure if the preview shows are the same as the actual ones. Preview would be fine too I guess, but I would really like to watch the actual thing with all the fanfare. I want only seats from stalls/foyer to Circle 2, no circle 3 seats (can't see anything, can't hear much), no balcony seats (scared view blocked), no seats right at the front (see what? Kit Chan's feet?).
Tickets can book online, click on the "Forbidden City" link above.
Even better if you all can come with me.

2) Go clubbing. Indulge in alcohol and get high. Not drunk, just high.

3) Fondue, with melted chocolate and all.

[4) Kiss some guy or other.] You didn't see this.

By the way, I'm booked on the night of my birthday unless I can get home by 9pm, so clubbing on that day is out. I'm spending that night in the most unusual way.

Stressed

Very stressed.

Nature's nature

"I want to fart," Olivia says.

"Then fart lor," I replied.

"Cannot."

"Why?"

"Because my fart is too shy."

Spotted in NUS

See that faint red circle in the picture below?

Here's what it reads:


So why are you reading this anyway?

P(OW)hysics

On a physics question I asked:

...A-level physics leh!

Ouch.

On MSN

yi zhen says:
do I act like a kid?

yi zhen says:
someone just told me he feels that I'm very like a kid, based on what he calls a "man's instinct"

"Man's instinct" isn't a very good thing to base your judgement on. =P

Tomorrow-ed ; My actions, words, thoughts

I admit that I tomorrowed this entry of CW's, basically because I felt that it was quite well written, though there is an obvious hint of anger in it. I will probably never know how it feels like competing against so many foreign students in such an environment because I'm in where I am now, but I do feel sympathetic towards those who do. I thought that this matter should be given some attention a bit, even if the matter of foreign students has been talked about (although I've never remembered it being talked about specifically in engineering) quite a lot whether in the private or public domain. Even if the specific matter of foreign students in engine is just an iteration of something long-ago-talked-about-but-never-resolved, well, I guess it's nice to know that there are people, albeit strangers, out there who share your thoughts and feelings. Isn't it also nice to release some pent-up frustration somewhere, even if it's on somebody else's blog? =P

Quite apologetic to CW for getting flammed by that annoymous and having to defend himself just because I tomorrow-ed him. But I think a lot of people agree with him on his thoughts too so hopefully that's alright.
---------------------------

I'm halfway through my 2nd bar of DARS. Developing a sore throat. =P

I thought about my blog having strong feelings. I thought about whether it's headed in the right direction. I thought about him not reading this frequently nor commenting here anymore. I thought about when I blogged because of him.

There is no "right direction" to head towards for me, not unlike those I know who really do blog for an audience and solely for an audience. My blog is like my diary in a way, public as it can be. It contains my thoughts, will always contain my feelings, no matter weak or strong, happy or sad. I know a bit of what captivates a reader - short entries, interesting reads, pictures, a 3rd person perspective sometimes, not too much of your daily life. Sometimes I do those just to get more hits, keep people entertained. In a way I'm headed towards there, afterall most people blog for that attention. Yet I'm also aware that I will leak myself out here. What you see here might not always be what you get, but this is me, this is where I pen my thoughts (not all), this is where I record my life in a way.

I'm not going to get famous or anything. This blog won't be known overnight. Having lived close to 20 years taught me never to expect too much, that I'm meant to be ordinary and I'm actually happy being ordinary. I don't believe I'm mediocre, but I'm not up there either. I'm something like a stepping stone. One of the stepping stones in a person's life. As long as I'm helping others get successful out there, I guess it's enough for me. I just want to retain good relationships with those I know, those I've helped and those who've helped me. This is what I'm thinking at 19-going-20. I wonder what I'd be thinking a few years from now.

Aware this is getting boring. =)

Disgusting freak

6.40am. Big sized man sitting at bus stop. He coughs loudly, then spits his phglem onto the floor. Not once, but thrice.
I didn't ask him to stop though I was just standing beside him. Gutless, worthless, you might say of me. Then again, would you have done anything? Based on the fact that there were quite a number of others standing there in the stop as well, I'd say most probably no.

Sorry, I'm just kind of pissed at myself for being gutless. I wouldn't ever sit at that place again.

Petition against Mr. Lee Hak Boon

There is a petition done by a Catholic High School secondary 3 student against his current principal, Mr. Lee Hak Boon. Mr. Lee was my secondary school (not CHS) principal as well and it kinds of shock me that there are students that against him.

To me, Mr. Lee is a very good principal. I thought that perhaps the reason why he's not popular there is that the methods he used are really better in neighbourhood schools or schools which don't have good records, if you know what I mean, to get them to pull their socks up. My school improved tremendously under him. Then again, there can be other reasons, I don't know. Maybe his method of doing things just cannot be accepted at CHS. Things like that do happen.

If there is such great disagreement between the students and Mr. Lee, I hope this petition will let him see the students' viewpoints. I hope that things will turn out fine between them. I hope that Mr. Lee will be alright. I am defensive of him because we learnt a lot from him and I believe I have the right to be defensive of him.

On the other hand, I'm very impressed by the way the student wrote that petition. They are really very independent and dare to speak out, don't they?

Am I only a kind of sex-toy for the mind?

Underneath others, elaborated

Today was the first actual physics tutorial. Nothing much to say. I just felt pretty much demoralized. Throughout the entire time in tutorial I was so afraid, anxious and nervous. Imagine yourself not having done a subject for an entire year and then to be suddenly thrown into an environment where the girls are not too far off from their JC graduation and the guys have had some practice in math and whatever other modules science modules they are taking. It isn't only today. Ever since the beginning of semester, I would have these butterflies in my stomach more frequently than the whole of last AY added together. My intuition. In the morning I was already nervous, and I got the first physics question wrong. Not really understanding certain parts of the rest of the tutorial is not helpful and the fact that the 2 girls I'm working with are awfully smart does not help either. Plus one of them tend to explain things using graphs. Why can't she just tell me that because if I take final velocity to be 0, I am assuming that they don't collide, which should not be the case. It's not her fault, it's just that I'm not used to calculation and thinking in this manner anymore.

Throughout the entire tutorial, I kept wondering what did I get myself into, if I was going to die this semester and if I would just concentrate on what the tutor was saying. Directly after this was the lecture. Lecture was ok because it was all A-level stuff. After lecture I walked all the way back to CL. Didn't climb any stairs except the really necessary ones.

Walked along the main road. Couldn't get up the stairs at YIH without fear that my knees would get worse. Basically I can't climb stairs much now. Thank goodness I can still walk properly.

Met Yiwei at Grinning Gecko so I lunched with her. Am really glad that I don't have to eat alone. It was forced conversation at the end of the lunch. I was tired, there were butterflies in my stomach again for I don't know what reason and I was very depressed and very scared. I wasn't concentrating on anything. When we started towards the lift to CL I saw him. Suddenly I realize what the butterflies in my stomach before that were for. Seriously it felt both good and bad to see him. He was just there, in front of me, looking around, waving to his friend. I called his name but he didn't hear so I gave up and turned back towards the lift. Then finally he caught sight of me. I wanted to hyperventilate. At that moment I felt as if I'd been transported back a whole month to that period of time when I was in that horrible hole, trapped, emotional, helpless, wanting to go home, wanting to abandon myself. I don't know how to describe that feeling. I was there but not there. It felt as if I was going to explode inside. From what? From the rage of emotions inside me, from missing him, wanting to hold him, touch him, talk to him, see him, yet also not see him, knowing even if he's standing there I can't reach over and take his hand, can't talk to him properly. Plus the already depressed mood I was having, I could hardly breathe.

I wanted him standing behind me, but I was idiotic enough to suggest they walk up, which is a decent suggestion because the lift is crammed full. I followed his back with my eyes when they headed off and when YW and I finally reached the entrance of CL, he was there. He in his white shirt and that new-in-the-past-now-looking-old blue bag. Only that he went up the stairs, I went down. It felt so bad inside.

I went for lecture. I came home. I cried.

Little Green Dot

Sometimes girls do the silliest things. Singapore is a little red dot on the world map. I'm not interested in the little red dot. I'm only interested in the little green dot. I can watch that dot and be happy. Just by watching that little green dot.

Dot dot dot. =D
-------------------------------
My friend broke up with her boyfriend after being together for 3 years. I hope that she'll be fine and I hope that she'll be happy. You're strong, but if at any time you need somebody to lean on for a while, I'm here ok? Not to mention BL and Jamie and your friends. Well, one thing's for sure now though - clubbing's in the plan.

Are all guys just plain jerks?

Underneath others

Saw him today below Central Library and was shocked to the core of my being. I almost hyperventilated. Not seeing him is easier to deal with than suddenly seeing him and truthfully, I had to prevent myself from launching at him or something. =D Was in a horrible mood to begin with and seeing him didn't make it better. If anything, I felt much worse. Didn't know what I was doing either, later on SMSing him to ask if we could take the same bus home. Well, of course he'd reject it. If it were me, I'd probably say no too. He did it in the most indirect way he could think of I suppose, which is nice of him in a way. If we meet on the bus. Haha, we don't ever meet on the bus. Never have, probably never will either. Yar, I get what he's saying.

Ok, I know why I asked him if we could take the same bus. 2 reasons. The 2nd one is that I needed to talk to somebody.

3 packets of DARS chocolate and I'm halfway through my first one. One bottle of drink from 7-eleven.

I know my friends say to just forget it, forget him. I can't forget, don't you understand? I could tell you why, but I won't. Telling won't make a difference. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting.

I'm in school and I'm not in the mood to study anymore. I'm going to leave now, take the bus home. God, I need the alcohol, the cigarettes and the music.

And a shoulder to lean on for a while, let me cry for a while, just to get it off my chest before I return to the mess I've created for myself. But no, I'm to take the bus home myself. I'm lucky it's in the afternoon and the ride is an hour plus long.

Olivia and slipper

My sister and I.

"Careful," I say, pointing at the ground, "hole."

She leaps over the hole. I walk onwards, then I turn back to watch her walk back to retrieve one pink slipper behind the hole where she had leaped from.

Proud

From dictionary.com:

proud (proud)
adj. proud·er, proud·est

1. Feeling pleasurable satisfaction over an act, possession, quality, or relationship by which one measures one's stature or self-worth: proud of one's child; proud to serve one's country.

proud  /praʊd/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[proud] adjective, -er, -est, adverb
—Idiom
11.do one proud,

a.	to be a source of pride or credit to a person: His conduct in such a difficult situation did him proud.

b.	to treat someone or oneself generously or lavishly: You really did us proud with this supper.

Have you ever felt proud of somebody?

Lashing back in IVLE forum

Module 1:

From:	Person 1	Date: 01/09/2006 01:51:00 PM
Topic Heading:	Default Heading
Topic:	tutorial

where is our tutorial 1? why we only have tutorial 2?

From:	Person 2	Date: 02/09/2006 05:08:00 PM
Topic Heading:	Default Heading
Topic:	Re: tutorial

tutorial 1 was the mastering physics. if you download and open tutorial 2, you will see that it is for the week 4 September - 8 September.

If i sound sacarstic, it is intended. Stop demanding and do ask politely. Our tutors and lecturers don't own you a living.

Regards

---------------------------------------
Module 2:

From:	Person 3	Date: 24/08/2006 11:58:00 AM
Topic Heading:	Administrative
Topic:	diScusSion gRp vS tUtOrIal gRp

heI ppLE... doES neonE nOE iF thERe is a diFf bTw a DisCuSsioN gRp n a TutOriAL gRp... do we hAve tO registER fOr diScuSsIOn gRps sePEratEly or smTh?

From:	Person 4	Date: 24/08/2006 12:49:00 PM
Topic Heading:	Administrative
Topic:	Re: diScusSion gRp vS tUtOrIal gRp

Hello Person 3,

1) It's the same

2) On an unrelated note, am I the only one who find your style of placing capped letters randomly unsuitable for this forum?

Regards

Person 4

From:	Person 5	Date: 24/08/2006 11:09:00 PM
Topic Heading:	Administrative
Topic:	Re: diScusSion gRp vS tUtOrIal gRp

hey spare Person 3 (yeah "XXX" is a guy's name rght?...so insulting!) ! we are her eto discuss stuff...if she suggests something useful and comprehensible the format doesn't matter.=) From: Person 6 Date: 25/08/2006 01:48:00 AM Topic Heading: Administrative Topic: Re: diScusSion gRp vS tUtOrIal gRp i thought ThIs Is NoT VeRY HeLPfUl iN CoMMuniCatIOn. I thought this is very helpful in communication compare which is easier to read. And you will agree with me. -Person 6 From: Person 3 Date: 25/08/2006 03:13:00 PM Topic Heading: Administrative Topic: Re: diScusSion gRp vS tUtOrIal gRp fine point taken

---------------------------------------
The older people get, the harsher they become. The more they look at everybody suspiciously and the more they can't take criticisms.

If you'll take the case in module 1, Person 1 certainly didn't mean it in a bad way. He/she was just asking a question in an informal way and I'd have thought that she sounded a little panicky instead of accusing or fed-up. I thought Person 2 was a little too harsh and misinterpreted the situation. Clearly, Person 2 is used to the more formal and polite terms we've been using in the forum so far. From the name, I suppose Person 2 is a female and if I assume that she's fresh from JC, I have this to say - My juniors are very scary, maybe a force to be reckoned with in the future. Can you imagine her barking at somebody in the office? I'm not saying that they are all like that and they will certainly turn out this way. It is only my presumption and my own thoughts.

As for module 2, I agree that Person 3's style of typing that message was downright irritating, but how the others tried to tell him/her that and how he/she responded... By the way, only 1 of the respondents in module 2 is a year 2. The others are freshmen.

I'm not one of them up there, but I can feel the change within me as well. It's scary.

Quotable Quote

(found on page 4 of JC some sine-cosine notes)

We only go through the world once.
Let us do it well.

Math lecture notes lectured me for not remembering my maths. =D

Walking, climbing, limping

For all the distances I have walked,














and the staircases I have climbed,

I had to limp my way up the one at YIH,

to Arts canteen.

(Almost) Everything I'm feeling now

Flurry of activity.
Anchors.
Anchoring.
Chains
Chaining.
Drink.
Drinking.
Computer addict.
Internet addict.

Chocolate.
Cheer
Cheering.
Alcohol
More alcohol.
Club
Clubbing.
Pub
Pubbing.

Eat
Eating.
Sick
Falling sick.
Home
Go home.
Home
Come home.
Out
Go out.

Got to pave my way out of here, there, everywhere. To out there, somewhere, everywhere, nowhere. Can't see the path in front. Doors closed on the path behind. Want to drink my way out, immerse in cigarette smoke and heavy bass beats. Don't want to bother, care or think. Don't want lectures to go so fast. Don't want to go to school everyday. Don't want to eat alone. Don't want some things to change, don't want others to remain the same.

My fingertips long to touch. My hands long to hold. I long to be able to write, talk and think like in the past.

Frustrated, frustration. Confused. Angry.

Why do planes fly over my house with great noise when I finally decide to sit down and study properly?

That which gives me life is hurting me, not for myself.

I want to attend a talk on self-hurting behaviour, but the course which I chose to major in, the one in which I am supposed to learn to understand people, is the major obstacle to registering for it.

"I want to attend this talk on self-harm, but cannot..."
"What for you want to attend? You never hurt yourself mah."
-Silence-

Fulfilled. Chocolate.

Ah Bear in helmet

Ah Bear in helmet works as construction worker.

Ah Bear in helmet works as construction worker and brings first cheque home, payable to us. =)

I'm so proud of Ah Bear. =D

1NiteStand

Initial plan was to go to dbl O, but we ended up at 1NiteStand. Great place, awesome live band, awesome singer, especially the lady, marvellous atmosphere.

As usual, love the heavy beats.

People started getting high and dancing. My cousin got high after 1 vodka+cranberry juice, 1.5 vodka+7-up and a couple of sips of Gin & Tonic (if it's spelt this way) and Whiskey & Coke. BL got high and slightly drunk after half a cup of vodka+lime juice. MZ a bit high after I think 1 vodka+cranberry juice & half a glass of whiskey & coke.

Me? 1 vodka+lime juice, 0.5 vodka+7-up, 0.5 whiskey & coke, sips of gin & tonic. Don't know how much. I just drank whatever I could get my hands on. Kept snatching BL's gin over and she kept taking it back. =D Not sure how or why my hand would head over there though. I went to the toilet and looked as if I'd just came out of my house after taking a shower or came out of an air-conditioned room. I looked normal, not even red. Don't feel anything at all. I know not a lot of alcohol but not even a hint of red? Not one tiny spot of red. Maybe I feel a tiny bit warmer inside, but not enough.

There's this lady who danced superbly well! Enjoyed watching her!

We left very early because of early lecture tomorrow. (And I'm still here, blogging.) Was perfectly sane when I left. Now I'm sporting a tiny bit of headache. Don't think I can go through my readings. And I think I'm getting slightly high now. Only now. My body is so slow.

Oh a middle-aged man tried to hit on us. Asked me for a dance first because I was sitting the nearest to him, then when I refused, or was it because of my looks - too young, too ugly- he asked for a dance with the rest of the girls. We flatly turned him down. So nice, first time get hit on by a guy. =) Although he's old. Seriously, if the girls weren't with me, it'd never happen.

Really not enough. I need more alcohol. Nice night out, but just not satisfying.

Ok, head heavy now. Need sleep. If only there's a guy right now to give me a nice warm hug and a kiss before bed. Sigh. I'm not even asking for sex.