Judging a book by its cover

For some time I've thought that I'm not one who would choose my friends based mainly on their looks. I say "mainly" because I feel that all of us do that from time to time or have done it before - judging a book by its cover. Last night I realize that I have in a way been doing that all the time. I feel repulsed by somebody who doesn't look ok or look good or look at least decent, although the person might be a great conversationalist. For a long time whenever I feel that way, I'd force that feeling down and tell myself that it is utter rubbish to feel that way, that the person is nice and I shouldn't look only on the outside. But the truth is that I do. The truth sucks, it hurts and I'm utterly disgusted at myself. What right do I have to judge people this way? Cast them aside because they don't look good? I'm not exactly good-looking either and I don't dress sensibly most of the time, so I can't do this.

I could say that oh well, I'm born this way, I can't help it. (Is this external attribution?) Do you all think a person could really say this? It's quite crap, isn't it? A lot of such things are inculcated, socialized into us by society. I think I got the socialization phrasing wrong but anyway...

I'm experiencing cognitive dissonance because I'm aware of myself, evaluating and comparing my behaviour with my internal standards and values (self-awareness theory). I find it very difficult to change this mindset of mine and in a very uncomfortable state of self-awareness because I am experiencing disagreeable feedback about myself - I thought I wouldn't look at a person's outlook but in fact I do. What can I do? . According to self-awareness theory, I could either change my mindset (which is difficult) or think that it is fine to be this way (which is easy); I could escape the self, stop being self-aware, do something to distract myself (no good because I'll have to face the problem soon, and I mean VERY soon), plunge myself into drinking, binge eating, sexual masochism (hmm, sounds interesting); turn to religious expression and spirituality (this is an entirely different issue I want to write about); or I could just let it remind me of what is right and wrong and ultimately go back to the idea of changing my attitude/mindset to suit my moral standards.

This is very, very difficult indeed.

You know, it is very normal for people to look at the physical aspect of a person and like that person because of how he/she looks in the beginning. (I'm changing my mindset, telling myself that it is fine. Ahh, I don't feel as much dissonance already.) No no! I cannot do this! Furthermore I've talked to that person for some time, can tell he's a nice person, so how can I re-judge him because of how he looks?

I'm a horrible person.