Underneath others, elaborated

Today was the first actual physics tutorial. Nothing much to say. I just felt pretty much demoralized. Throughout the entire time in tutorial I was so afraid, anxious and nervous. Imagine yourself not having done a subject for an entire year and then to be suddenly thrown into an environment where the girls are not too far off from their JC graduation and the guys have had some practice in math and whatever other modules science modules they are taking. It isn't only today. Ever since the beginning of semester, I would have these butterflies in my stomach more frequently than the whole of last AY added together. My intuition. In the morning I was already nervous, and I got the first physics question wrong. Not really understanding certain parts of the rest of the tutorial is not helpful and the fact that the 2 girls I'm working with are awfully smart does not help either. Plus one of them tend to explain things using graphs. Why can't she just tell me that because if I take final velocity to be 0, I am assuming that they don't collide, which should not be the case. It's not her fault, it's just that I'm not used to calculation and thinking in this manner anymore.

Throughout the entire tutorial, I kept wondering what did I get myself into, if I was going to die this semester and if I would just concentrate on what the tutor was saying. Directly after this was the lecture. Lecture was ok because it was all A-level stuff. After lecture I walked all the way back to CL. Didn't climb any stairs except the really necessary ones.

Walked along the main road. Couldn't get up the stairs at YIH without fear that my knees would get worse. Basically I can't climb stairs much now. Thank goodness I can still walk properly.

Met Yiwei at Grinning Gecko so I lunched with her. Am really glad that I don't have to eat alone. It was forced conversation at the end of the lunch. I was tired, there were butterflies in my stomach again for I don't know what reason and I was very depressed and very scared. I wasn't concentrating on anything. When we started towards the lift to CL I saw him. Suddenly I realize what the butterflies in my stomach before that were for. Seriously it felt both good and bad to see him. He was just there, in front of me, looking around, waving to his friend. I called his name but he didn't hear so I gave up and turned back towards the lift. Then finally he caught sight of me. I wanted to hyperventilate. At that moment I felt as if I'd been transported back a whole month to that period of time when I was in that horrible hole, trapped, emotional, helpless, wanting to go home, wanting to abandon myself. I don't know how to describe that feeling. I was there but not there. It felt as if I was going to explode inside. From what? From the rage of emotions inside me, from missing him, wanting to hold him, touch him, talk to him, see him, yet also not see him, knowing even if he's standing there I can't reach over and take his hand, can't talk to him properly. Plus the already depressed mood I was having, I could hardly breathe.

I wanted him standing behind me, but I was idiotic enough to suggest they walk up, which is a decent suggestion because the lift is crammed full. I followed his back with my eyes when they headed off and when YW and I finally reached the entrance of CL, he was there. He in his white shirt and that new-in-the-past-now-looking-old blue bag. Only that he went up the stairs, I went down. It felt so bad inside.

I went for lecture. I came home. I cried.