Fear - Parent

I know I'm only 19 (turning 20) but I can't help thinking of the following.

I have a sister who is 12 years younger than me. By right I should be gaining some experience coaching her and all that, but in actual fact this is not the case. My mom does everything. I feel kind of bad. The point is that watching my mom do all that, teaching her, tolerating, losing temper, smiling, laughing with my sister... I wonder if I would be able to do all that in the future when and if I'm ever a mother. I've got a bad temper and I really doubt if I'd ever be a good mother to my children in the future. On the few sessions I've had to coach my sister in her schoolwork, get her away from the computer or the TV, I've not found it easy. There are times when I've lost my temper and chased her out of my room, not wanting to teach her.

I don't want my kid to be scared of me, but I don't want them to be climbing over my head either. I don't want them to be stressed, but I have no idea how to make them do both their best and to do well enough in school. I don't want to threaten them with the cane but how do you instill discipline in them? I don't want them to become too dependent on me, to not do the housework, not wash the dishes, but I don't know if I will be able to train them to do all those without them screaming at me and me giving up. There are tons of other things I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to do when and if I'm ever a mother. I don't believe it when people says you'll know what to do when the time comes. I believe that a person learns to be a parent, the person learns the role. He/she is not born with it.

Then again maybe I'm thinking too far and too much. Afterall, I'm only 19, it'd be sometime before any of that happens. Yet a few years don't seem a long time. And again maybe it will never happen.

What am I doing?! I should be having fun now! *heads to the playground*