Everything, everywhere

I've got a Lunchbox performance and Forbidden City to blog about and all I can think of is him, him, him! 3 months already! Why is it still like that?! I miss him like crazy. Every minute, everything I see, everywhere I go, I'm reminded of him. Even tonight at Esplanade Theatre, he's on my mind.

Almost every freaking minute he's on my mind. 3 months later and it's beginning to eat at my heart all over again. It's driving me crazy and it hurts like... I just epilated my armpits. =D It ain't so bad anymore, this pain, but it's still there. I can laugh, smile and joke, but inside I'm blue. I'm navy blue, sky blue, msn-conversation-window-blinking blue. Sometimes I'm white inside. Blank paper white, blogger-typing-screen white, an envelope's white. Blue because I'm upset, white because there is nothing. Things aren't so greyish like in the past, I can see in front of me, I don't hurt myself physically anymore and I can breathe more easily. This is good, right? Yes, it is.

Sometimes inside I'm a myraid of colours because I get a response from him, or an email. Mostly it is because I hope and I dream and I read too much into things. But I know everytime I have colours inside me, it is going to rain again and the pain is coming back. Pain is not grey or blue or white. Pain is orange or red. Even when I'm blue inside, it's not blue. Blue is only an adjective to describe how I feel. Inside I'm always orange or red or white or grey. I don't remember blue. Loneliness is not a colour. It is an emptiness. It is invisible. It is not white. It is a hole inside. When he left, he left a (now) hole inside of me. Loneliness is also a shroud of mist, a veil. It blurs everything, covers me. A mist through which if a person reaches out his/her hand into towards me, he/she can grab me easily but which shuts me off from the outside. I keep within this shroud of mist. I feel the mist growing thicker and thicker and I don't understand why.

Somehow I got myself onto a ship from a nice cosy boat. Somehow I fell out of the ship. Somehow my boat is beside me. Somehow I can't get into my boat. Somehow I'm in the water. I don't know why I'm in the water. The water is warm and cold at the same time.

I want him. I don't want him. I want him. I can't have him.

People, I'm finding it so difficult to let go.