Odd dream last night

Do you know what it feels like to be lost? I typed that title above then I stared at the screen for 10 full seconds. So much confusion inside me I don't know how to put down. I stood up, went to the toilet to wash up. Washed my face, cleaned my spectacles, walked to the kitchen, drank a glass of water. Came back and typed. Monotony.

I wish he'd come back and start tagging again. It feels horrible inside. So bad I wish he'd come back and say it's all his fault. I wish somebody else would take the blame, that I can push it all away. And then? Perhaps it wouldn't be much help but at least I'd feel better. It just feels so bad, dying seems much better. I'm jealous that he can live his life so well, without thinking about this. How can he do it? I hate it. I hate myself. I hate it all. I thought after her incident I can put this feeling behind me forever. No, it comes back, stronger, taunts me, tease me, telling me I am still only a weakling. Does anybody understand? It feels so bad inside. So bad so that physical pain is better.

I know all of this ranting doesn't do much good. It'd only push him further away. But I can't help it! Channel my energies somewhere... Ha! Why don't nobody understand!

I'm really quite lost here. Ha. Can you don't just walk away and leave me in the middle of nowhere?

Not like he'd come back and talk to me unless it's about school stuff. Whatever. I'm just talking rubbish.