Thoughts

*ponders* What if I became a bitch? No no, not a female dog that kind of bitch. Just, you know, a fussy, selfish woman who nags, complains, whines, backstabs, bootlicks, jump onto every wagon of opportunity which includes bedding that boss of hers in order to get that promotion. You know, that typical bitch. Not that it sounds very nice, just that it is much easier to be bad than good sometimes. Don't have to bother about reputation. My wants are priority! If I did something for a person, I'd expect him/her to pay me back double. Or however the person tries to pay back, he/she would forever be in my debt! Like if I helped a person with his/her test once and he/she treated me to a meal, next time I need a favour, I would remind the person that I once helped him/her with his/her test once and that a meal was nothing compared to the importance of the test result, thus he/she is obliged to help me this time round. Complete bitch.
Some bitches think, some bitches don't. Maybe I can be one of those who don't think. Then I can have things the way I want, flare up when I want, bootlick whoever whenever I want and not think of the consequences. So easy. I can toss my now-short-but-in-near-future-long-hair, turn up my nose, roll my eyes and declare that another person is beneath me.
Or perhaps a foul-mouthed one like how I have been in the past 2 posts. *shrug* If you don't like it, too bad. I was angry. When I'm angry and let loose, I curse. Actually I don't like that me either and I would like to control, but I admit I'm not very good at keeping emotions in, or my temper. So I flare up at anybody and anything without thinking properly. In the past couple of years I was able to think deeply and thoroughly before I said anything but nowadays, my brain seem to have ceased to work properly.
No inspiration to blog. Think my first blog was better than this. Go read those instead.

For the past few months I've been used to telling him about everything. And I really mean everything. Now to stop feels a little weird. I found myself wondering now who do I tell all these stuff to? All the things that in the past I would tell him. I began to search my memory as to what I did with all these stuff way before I knew him so as to help myself revert back again. To my surprise, I couldn't remember. In fact, I don't even remember if I ever told anybody anything similar to those that I told him, or if there were times that I would have the urge to just whip out my phone and send a message to somebody. I wonder if that is because there were no such times. That it started only with him. I really don't remember. These words are not said with sadness, but they are facts. It's amazing how such a short period can change quite a bit of things. I don't remember how it is like to be single and carefree and yearning for somebody in the most naive sense. Especially that last part. It's just all different. I wonder if I would like to be back there again, take away a year or so, but then decided I would not.

I'm like glass. Give me warmth and I'll be soft and easy to handle, shape. Treat me coldly and I'm hard but fragile as well. If I break, I'll cut you and even possibly leave scars. I don't let people forget if I don't forget. I can remember details to complete accuracy, but I can also forget things in a hurry. I'm not dangerous. Hardly am. I'm a female. If you know how to handle their emotions, you have them in your grasp.
But oh, can we all handle emotions?

?!?

I've never been so angry before.
Ok, so maybe I have, but not lately. But now I am fucking pissed off because... how could he just push all the blame to me?! It is NOT my fucking fault. And I shall use the word "fuck" as many times as I wish because I am fucking upset and pissed and hurt and I feel like smashing something against the wall and flaring up against everybody who talks to me. What am I being blamed for?! For helping a friend who feels slightly hurt over a comment! Fuck. Couldn't THAT guy who left that comment just have explained that he didn't MEAN what he said and what is it that he actually meant?! Couldn't he have just apologized?! But no! He had to go all "lawyer-ish" and scrutinized every darn word to back his stand. Go be a fucking lawyer! Damn ironic, when I advise him to stand up for himself he doesn't. Then now he does and from what I see, it is for the wrong reason and the wrong way! Am I wrong? Tell me am I wrong? Because I don't see where I'm wrong! If I'm wrong, somebody tell me! Why the hell should he be hurt and angry and all? Tell me!

Please me.

tmd, cibai, knn... don't know why the fuck I'm pissed and hurt now. Not even my bloody fucking business in the fucking first place. @#%@#$@! And I'm angry at myself too. Why the hell should I bother anyway. Sob. And goddamn tears fell when I wasn't even thinking. Too easy to hurt me. I thought I was going to get through it all. Fuck, man. Fuck.

Anybody wants to please me?

on MY territory

It's like 2 other persons from 2 different territories got into a staring incident and started fighting on my territory just because it happened to be in between the 2 of them. Tried to help but ended up getting hurt also. *sigh* I didn't even do anything wrong. Oh right, I laid the groundwork for it all. So now I'm apologizing to both sides. Great. Marvellous. Bravo. What the hell did the kitten get found for...

Today; Rant

Today accompanied MZ to NUS's UHWC for body check-up. Wanted to check out my ear too but there were far too many people there that I thought I would go another day. The whole thing took close to 3 hours, not including the fact that we had to come back after lunch to continue waiting for the doctor. Weird, I don't remember seeing so many people last year when I was having my check-up. People got chased out of the clinic when it was 11.30 because there were far too many people. MZ's friend queued up for so long then got chased out, so poor thing. =D Ok, I'm evil. We got chased out at 12pm too since the doctors need their break, so we waited till 1.30pm to go back to the clinic and the queue outside was SUPER LONG by then. It stretched all the way to just outside the X-ray room. So we went into the clinic, sat there for some time, waited for the doctor (so funny, MZ didn't notice her number appearing and I had to tell her to go into room 5, which is just beside us. The funniest thing is that although she's the one going to see the doctor, I was nervous as well. Wanted to shit.), saw the doctor, then went to queue at another SUPER LONG queue outside the X-ray room. When we finally neared the opening of the X-ray room, I left MZ to wait for her turn and I headed up to the computer lab. Haven't been there in ages. Love the smell. Anyway was clearing my NUS mail when I realized I forgot about GAPS, asked LY if she did it - she didn't, both of us realized we didn't know when CORS starts, nor when exactly SCHOOL starts. So clever. By the way, CORS should start 31st July (Round 1A) and school starts 14 August for us, but 7th August for MZ if they are going for orientation. And there is Module Preference Exercse starting on the 3rd of July. Hopefully I get a module of my major so that I can save some points. If not.. oh well, just bid lor. Can get the module I'm happy already. Dates are bolded because I'm afraid that I'll forget.
And I saw Monika from AJ percussion today! What a coincidence! She still looks pretty much the same. Ah.. Miss them.

Shopping. Right. Still can't figure why girls like shopping. I got bored after walking around for a while. People who love shopping really should not ask me to go shopping. I'm serious. Like really SERIOUS. Remember ah! Because I'll make you feel bored too and in my opinion, that is not a good thing. I think I prefer shopping by myself because I like doing things at my own pace. I see things very slow one also, and think very long before I get something. Especially getting clothes. However I still think that shopping's boring. Thought I can perhaps like it a little more after so long a time. Oh.. Maybe I DO like it a little more but I still think it's boring. Anyway my leg bothered me so I couldn't concentrate properly. I'm growing old, first time I used the medicine patch for my leg. Anyway whatever clothes I wear I still look kiddy, so getting a bit fed up and in my opinion, not much point wearing something that don't look your age. So erm, what is my age? Will people like shut up about how kiddy I look already. I'm turning 20, for goodness sake!

Sigh. Sorry. Sometimes I don't want to grow up, but sometimes I do. It irks me when people don't trust what I say (especially in sales or when I'm talking to adults) just because I look like a darn kid. When I say we cannot open the other door for them, I mean we cannot open the door for them. When I say I cannot give discount means I cannot give discount. Look, I may look young, but I'm the unofficial overall-in-charge of that place ok. Not that they would know but I don't care because I am pissed at being.... LOOKING young - sounds absurd - and not being taken seriously so I am venting my frustration at imaginary customers. Whatever. Goodness, I'm talking about something that happened almost a full year ago.

Pulled a leg muscle; dream

Stupid, sleep also can pull a leg muscle. Couldn't walk properly the whole time today and it just got worse when I was walking home. Wearing Giovanna shoes didn't help. And during that whole time I wished he was there. I wished he was there to hold me, help me and comfort me. I'm not a strong individual. I just want somebody to lean on when I need it. I pity myself and I hate it. How come I seem to tear more easily nowadays?

--------------------
I had a dream last night and I woke up this morning feeling darn happy but out of sorts, knowing that something was wrong but couldn't figure out what. It seemed real enough. Then I realized what was wrong.

It was only a dream.

--------------------
Weird, I vaguely remember kicking something very vigorously in my sleep. Don't know if it's a dream. Most probably so. Perhaps that's why I pulled my leg muscle. So silly.

Bimboistic rant

Let me be bimboistic for a while.

[bimboistic rant]
Bought this bright orange bikini bra from Ice Lemon Tee today! So bright! I like! =D Time to flaunt!
And finally got 2 polo tees from Giordano! I don't have polo tees that I can actually wear out ok!
And tomorrow I'm going shopping with MZ! =D
[/bimboistic rant]

Ahem. Now, who was that?

Just... gone

He's just ... gone. And I never knew.

Suddenly I know what is it that I miss. It is not this him that I miss. I miss the other him and I can't contact the other him. It's a bit like a virtual person, like that person's already gone. Does anybody know what I'm saying? Then suddenly I feel like crying all over again because reality kinds of hit me in the face. Because his smses are not his smses. I can catch a glimpse of that other him in those short messages but I can never reach out to that him. I read his blog but it's not him that I see. I can't tell him that I miss him because it's not him. I can only talk to him in my mind and in my dreams because that is where he exists. I think I'm really stupid because I don't even know the person I fell for. I didn't even know when he left. Then that rush again - I just feel like dying.

Somebody just tell me that I'm just talking crap.

Bits and pieces

Am tired. But there's a kind of beauty in it all, when I'm looking at things from a third person's point of view. The haze is kind of pretty. Blurs you a bit, sure, but it's still pretty, in a warped sense.
So many things happening around the world, and I'm talking rubbish.

I still don't understand why would some Americans, people in general, want to bomb their own country. For goodness sake, they grew up there. Can they bear to see their people die? Just don't understand.

Still missing; Naughty buses

Don't know why I choose to sink myself in deeper when I now know which way is up and which is down. Maybe I didn't choose it. Maybe gravity just acted on me. Why is it so difficult to get over it? I know I shouldn't blog about it but I can't help it. I miss you, do you know? And I guess he probably doesn't feel that way. Ah well.

-------------------------

That day I was waiting for a bus at the Interchange to go to the studio for the ticketing stuff. So another bus came and stopped in front of me. I looked at the door and at the little sticker beside it.
It says Emergency Cock. Somemore it was a little handle inside the little box. So cute. Buses got cock also. So... they make love sideways one. I bet they are very horny, display their cock so openly. Got sticker to show where it is some more. That explains why I always see them leave a little trail of wet stuff wherever they go. Tsk. Naughty buses.

Lost

Missing is such a terrible thing. Two weeks later and I'm missing him more than I missed him for the whole of the 2 weeks added up together. Probably. Does a person have to give a reason for missing somebody? Because I just do and I don't understand why. It's even worse when I know that this time round I can't ask him out.

It's like a string that tugs at my heart and pulls me down as well. I have my fingers on the edge of the well but the walls are slippery and my fingers are tired. Gravity pulls me down. Everytime I slip down a little I pull myself up by my fingers. But as more time pass, my fingers lose their strength. I slip down more each time and I can't pull myself up back to the top before I slip again. I don't want to slip down again, yet if I also want to because I'm tired. I know that if I let go, I will fall to the bottom of the well and the fall will hurt me greatly, but my fingers will be relieved of its ache. Each day pass and I slip down more. The circle of light I see is getting smaller everyday. Somebody's up there. I can see his silhouette against the bright sunlight. He is waving at me. He is talking to me, telling me jokes. In the beginning when I don't see that dark figure, my fingers seem to grow stronger and I hang onto the edge tirelessly. When he comes and sits and talks to me, I feel the pull of gravity. But slowly, it became the other way round. When he is there, I feel strong. When he's not, the darkness seems to call me. Yet the darkness does not seem so dark anymore. I see the light in it, a different kind of light. It is welcoming. The brightness at the top doesn't seem so inviting anymore. There is a kind of dark tinge to it. I no longer know which way is gravity pulling. Is the lightening darkness good? Or would I find something else at the top of the well? The darkness of the well starts to blur with the light of the day. Which way is which? Why does the person at the top keep talking but not help me? What does he see when he looks in the well? Which way is up? Which way is down? Is this darkness light? Is the light dark? My mind is filled with questions and nobody can or will give me the answers. Unanswered questions.

I'm Lost.

An entire week's worth of blogging - what it seems to me anyway

Sunday, 18th June 2006

YY brought back a voodoo-doll keychain from her trip to HK. So interesting! I meant the voodoo doll. Mine is white samurai! Think my brother's black samurai. Feeling a bit bad about it because she actually bought a fairy voodoo doll keychain simply because it reminded her of me and I chose the samurai instead. But that white samurai is really calling out to me!

-------------------------
Cut my hair short.

Wednesday, 21st June 2006

Took half-day leave to do the tickets with YZ at studio for SPU concert, "My Home", on 29th July 2006. 7.30pm. $12. At Young Musician's Society (YMS), Waterloo street. Come support me! =) SMS me, email me, leave comment if you all want tickets! Thanks!

Oh yes, back to the topic. Got people so stupid? Forfeit half a day's pay to go do something which I'm not paid for. People lose sleep over World Cup, I lose sleep over concert publicity (quote from SH). *rolls eyes* Ah well, somebody's got to help start the ball rolling a bit. Hope the slope is downhill. I am NOT planning to do everything myself. I've got work, sleep, money, clothes and more work to worry over, thank you very much. Never believed in one-man show.

On the way to work outside Somerset MRT, got a man giving out flyers. Looks interesting. Took one, took a look at it. Very interesting! Durex condom flyer. I was grinning away. Sorry, because I am very naive, and am proudly a virgin (not that anybody would want to have sex with me) I have the right to grin ok! *grins widely*
I mean it is really interesting! Flyer has 2-D version of the cube which we can tear out and fold into cube:

On the flyer, there are instructions on how to fold the cube and after reading it through a couple of times I grinned even more because it is very good! Making use of puns!

"Instructions to make your own Durex Roll 'n' Score die:
1) Remove cube pattern by tearing along the dotted lines.
2) Let cube assume desired shape by folding all sides.
3) Fold flaps for penetration.
4) Insert and play."

3 and 4 are the more obvious ones. Actually don't know if it's even done on purpose, but I thought it was wonderfully done. Especially like 4 - insert and play. =D

Ok, anyway..
The cubes got words like
"For him... Who let the dogs out?!!? Woof!"
"For her... Giddy-up and do the reverse cowgirl. Yee hah!"
"For him... Up against the wall, standing up. That's the way to do it!"

Quite innovative but not that impressive. Kind of wish they'd suggest positions instead.

I wonder, how come people feel happy when they masturbate? In fact, how do they feel? I just feel like I'm a slut.

-------------------------
Thursday, 22nd June 2006

Dinner at Han River at bloody Eastpoint with SPU/2-FOUR members. Luckily I was at Somerset which is a half-hour train ride from Simei, if not I won't even consider going. Too bloody far. Might have fallen asleep if not for the fact that my aching feet were preventing me from falling asleep standing up. Don't know why my new sport shoes giving me trouble again. Either
1) Shoes got problem, or
2) I don't know how to walk.


*looks around for a bit* I'veneverbeentoseoulgardensothisthinginthetableisinteresting. Ok, so maybe "interesting" is a bit exaggerated. Whatever. We cook in that. Steamboat-style.

Group photo

Oh have I mentioned how tired I am? Been sleeping approximately 4 - 6 hours each day this week with an occasional 7 hour, like last night (Thursday night, Friday morning). However after a while I just got used to it and I don't feel that tired anymore, although there seems to be a kind of haze clouding my mind.

-------------------------
Today - Friday, 23rd June 2006

Ate at some restaurant for lunch because several of the staff were leaving and The Boss gave a treat. Nice food.

I dress like a kid, look like a kid, think like a kid.
I want to remain a kid.
Sometimes I just want to grow up though.
Damn, even one of my boss ask why I dress like "xiao xue shen". Say I am "da xue shen" le.
Then today colleague ask me to change my wardrobe. *sigh* I want to change also, but I don't like shopping, except when I really have to get something. Think as I grow older I'll like shopping because I used to hate it, now I only don't like it.

He said guys don't ever "like you for who you are". So sad right. But it's true. Damn, me also lor... Actually if I have to change my outlook for a guy to like me, firstly, I don't think I can even like myself, secondly, how to explain things to that guy? Don't know how to put it.
Ok, I give example. I'm born with hairy legs. I think I have more male hormones. Anyway, I have hairy legs. So let's say I go for that permanent hair removal thingy so my legs are nice and bare and on the way get rid of the hair under my arms and on my *ahem*. I dress nice nice, I spend a lot of money to get my face cleared (not that I'm not trying to get it cleared now, I am!), guy likes me, likes my hairless body, likes how I look, we get married and then have kids, or have kids then get married or have kids but don't get married. In any case, we have kids. Let's say I have a girl. Girl grows up, then at secondary 2 level, her face starts flowering and her legs start growing hairy. My guy looks at my legs and my face, then looks at our girl. How to explain to him what I did? That that's how I was when I was that age? That actually I don't look like how I look now? That the girl he likes has hairy legs? Anyway if I gave my daughter hairy legs in future, I'd feel very guilty.
And every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror, or when I bathe, I would see my hairless body and think "this is fake. This is not me. I am not like that," Because I really am not. I am not hairless. I am very hairy! How to face myself in the mirror? Everyday see a fake me. My analysis clear or not? Or you all think very boliao? Ok I think it's crap, but somewhere inside me I know this is how I feel. Though I really very tempted to fork out the money and go do the permanent hair removal thingy. You think your legs are hairy. Trust me, so far I've had far hairier legs than all girls I've compared my legs with. Even my mum thinks I have hairy legs. Well, at least I have legs. =) And I like my waist. And my stomach. And I like my back. =) Hopefully my back maintains its pimple-free, smooth, tanned look.







Have I mentioned I like my back?

Perhaps I should flaunt it... Wait, like that wear what bra?

So yes, anyway... Need to change my wardrobe.
In the meantime, need to do publicity for concert. Support me in concert! =)

Stressed

So god damn bloody stressed. So many things to blog about but not enough time. Think I don't have to sleep tonight already. Have to deal with the publicity thing. Haven't been sleeping enough or well for the past couple of days. It's only Tuesday and I'm exhausted. I really need sleep.

?

What do you do when your partner fucks her ex?

I'd probably have broken up with her at that moment.

But then again, probably not.
Probably I'll forget about it the moment I meet her the next day.

Why?
Because I love her.

Fuck man. If she ever does it again, think properly. You might love her, but does she?

Ant; Sentosa and Mt. Faber night trip

17 June 2006
Was having lunch happily when quarter of a way into my packet of mifen, I saw this:



I don't know why the ant is just walking around and around and around the neck of the bottle. Think it can't find its way out. Like duh.. Right after I took that video, it started going anti-clockwise:

Bits and pieces

I'd type "r" into the address bar of my Firefox and usually the address will pop out, right? Just like in IE, if you save history or something. So today I thought I typed "r" and then hit the "down" button to select my blog address (rwrite, in case you don't get it). However when I later returned to the tab of my supposedly opened blog, I saw this webpage that isn't my blog. Guess I accidentally clicked enter after typing in "r" only. The amazing thing is that there is that word "statistical" there and I was thinking "wah, whose blog so... mathematical/statistical/amazing/interesting?" 2 seconds later I realized it's a webpage.

Goodness, I'm really slow on the uptake. And slow to respond. I mean at work. How in the world am I a university student?! Irritated with myself. Used to be much faster, dammit.

Link

------------------------

BL explained some stuff to me. She insists that it ended with him not because of my fault, but she feels that it is his. That I put pressure on him and expect things of him simply because I am not in his heart, that if he really cares about me, he wont make me feel this way, that if he really treasures me, he will more than happy to put in effort to spend more time with me. That perhaps he doesn't know how to treasure me.
That it is because he dont put in effort into the relationship, that's why "you got to give him pressure and expect things from him." If he really did enough, I dont have to give him any pressure. It is him who doesn't know how to treat me the right way. She also says that perhaps he didn't put in enough effort, that's why he made me feel lost. That he didn't give me enough time, that's why like "what you said you give him pressure," and what's wrong when a girl requests to meet more often? It is not pressure.

BL lets me see things from another point of view. Thanks, girl, for your immense concern!
There are some stuff that I agree with, but some I just don't. Doesn't matter anymore. What she said just made me very certain of one thing - it's over, just plain over and whatever it is, I'm not getting back there. In fact, I don't trust myself not to screw up the next one either.

------------------------

Alumni self-prac was great! =) We played etudes that we did before in the past. Brought back fond memories. I was telling Pearlin that it was like playing in the past. Also perfect time for me to get used to the mallets again. Felt damn weird playing it initially and am more comfortable with rhythm when in the past it was the other way round. It's alright now, though. Was so happy playing with the small, tiny bunch that turned up. It's true - sometimes it's all about playing with people who have that same goal and passion as you - even if you don't know the names of some of them. *grin* I don't know the names of a couple of them and hardly talk to the rest, but we still played together. Nice. It just makes things nicer that we were/are all in the same secondary school band. The age gap is marvellously huge though. I feel old. =P

Why else do I feel happy? Because he replies my smses. Because he asked if I reached my destination. Stupid, ain't it? Yeah, downright stupid. Me is stupid. *arrow points at me* As I was telling Pearlin, girls are almost all like that. So gullible, so naive. *laughs* I tell her she is not stupid, in the end I say I stupid.

Why the heck do I keep blogging about him and it!

Anyway now I know how to walk from Tanglin to Orchard.

After-effects

Still hurting inside. Whenever I look at my table this sense of sadness washes over me. I see kitty in the glass bottle and I see that bottle of water chestnut drink and that packet of strepsils in that white plastic bag and I am reminded of everything. It's like a wave of emotions that washes over me. So I put kitty into my cupboard, but I still see it. I gave that drink to my sister and I took a sip of it. Now it's inside me. That packet of strepsils is on my bed now. I'll probably stow it away in my kitchen cupboard for future use. But I still see Totto-chan, I'm still reminded. I bend down, I spot Drumline, I'm reminded. Luckily a stack of CDs are on top of it, so I don't really see anything.

Now I understand how 2 people can become just acquaintances. It is when one feel like how I do now. I just want to distance myself. Far, far away. Away from him and anything that reminded me of him. Didn't feel like this in the afternoon. This afternoon I wanted any reminder of him, I asked him to sms me sometimes. Right now... I still do want his sms. Can't imagine life without it, but everytime I see it or think about receiving it, I still feel hurt inside. Like there's this void there that aches. Because there is this knowledge that I'll never feel his arms around me again nor his lips upon mine, or have his undivided attention and concern, and always somehow making me feel treasured.

He says should see it as an advance to another level, but I can't see it that way and I'm disappointed with myself for it. I want is to be far and near at the same time. It's easier to hide behind a facade of happiness and pretend that things are fine than face it. Still too raw.

He's right. He can't face me now and neither can I face him. Maybe after school reopens, I don't even want to face him at all. MZ says time is the best medicine. I know and I trust her.

Now I can't stand to be alone. When I'm alone my mind wanders. Work is good. Even if I have to drag my body around, I'll work. Which reminds me that I have to start looking for another job soon because this one's ending in June, which is very soon. Hey, it rhymes! And I want to try so many things. The things that I want to try need money, though, so it's still back to the job thing.

Very almost picked up that cigarette. Grateful that in the end I didn't. Slap me if I ever do.

Oddly, I've found back my inspiration for blogging. =) Bleh.

Conversation with YZ

Once again, YZ is talking to me online while doing her project discussion. She pleads with me not to give her the cold treatment again:

Yi Zhen says:
really

Yi Zhen says:
dun give me e cold treatment aggn...

Yi Zhen says:
pullleasseee.

I laugh wildly, and then proceed to say:

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | whollybooks.blogspot.com | says:
GO

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | whollybooks.blogspot.com | says:
*points direction vaguely in direction of e toilet

Yi Zhen says:
uh....

Yi Zhen says:
drats

Yi Zhen says:
im nt in a hurry to ans nature's call

I laugh wildly again and comments:

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | whollybooks.blogspot.com | says:
i dun care

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | whollybooks.blogspot.com | says:
go wait there until nature calls

Suddenly, something happens!

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | whollybooks.blogspot.com | says:
nature: Yizhen! I'm calling u!

Gasp! Nature calls! *kneels down and proceeds to bow*

Yi Zhen says:
mad la.

And then the emoticon her proceeds to push the emoticon me off the top of a high-storey building. Tsk! What audacity! Luckily, I come back to life:

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | whollybooks.blogspot.com | says:
haha
(do not mistake this for light laughter. It is actually evil, proclaiming that I am still alive!)

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | whollybooks.blogspot.com | says:
OI

Hoho! I am PISSED! The amazing-one-who-comes-to-life! She should bow to me!

BUT!...

Yi Zhen says:
Oei wat oei

Yi Zhen says:
your fault lor.

So daring! Come back to life still scold me! Was tempted to push the emoticon her off the building as well but was too lazy to muster the energy (to go find if I have the emoticon) to walk towards her and push the stick figure her off. So she's still alive until now.

HOWEVER! All of a sudden, she disappears and her friend who has the same name as me started talking to me!

Yi Zhen says:
hi..

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | whollybooks.blogspot.com | says:
wat?

Yi Zhen says:
i am stephie..

Oh Stephie really exists. I mean there really is another Stephanie with YZ who is nicknamed Stephie.

Goodness, I've blogged for hours since I came back from my half-day. Where is my rest?! Machiam no halfday like that...

Bits and pieces

Took half-day off from work today because I was tired. Haven't been sleeping well and last night/this morning at about 4am my left leg started aching. Irritating. Plus cried some last night, so quite exhausted this morning. Kind of wish that he would ask how my leg is, but I know I shouldn't. Sad that the amount of concern just dropped so drastically. That small little flame of hope though. I've realized I should hope. It makes me happy, although the fall hurts me.

Anyway I took half day off and then smsed my mum to tell her that. What she replied was so touching that the tears that wouldn't flow naturally the whole of last night started to flow in that moment.

"You ok or not. Now out of love. Never mind, mummy love will never walk out of (on) you."

Even as I type this, I want to cry. Now I know that whatever happens, my family will always be there for me.

And yes, I told her about it. All of you stop rolling your eyes already.

---------------------------
It's quite funny. I was walking home from the MRT today when at the void deck of this block of flats, this pigeon walked past in front of me. It was on the verge of flying and yet it didn't fly. It walked first in one direction which is nearer to get off my path and then when I slowed my steps to let it pass, it turned to walk in the other direction which is directly across my path and then I think it turned back and forth again, as if unable to decide which way to walk or whether it should fly. I was very amused so I waved my hand to my left, which was where it was facing and heading towards and shooed it slightly away, something like a shepherd and his sheep, urging the pigeon to walk faster in that direction.
Was reminded of me then. A bit blur like the pigeon. Ok, so VERY blur.

---------------------------
I'm really irritated by my pimples. It's so bad that I don't even dare to go cut my hair. Scared of what the auntie will say or how I'll look in their eyes. Kind of wish I could wear a paper bag over my head. Wait, got paper bag then cannot cut hair hor. Shucks.
Just as well that he doesn't want to see me now. He'd only see a person with a paper bag over her head and two holes for eyes. Or he'll be so freaked out that my worn out sandals are probably more interesting than my face. Hehz.

---------------------------
After what MZ said about me not giving him enough time from the last time that he said he is stressed out, I feel better. Ironically I feel better when I put some blame on myself. Ok. I.Must.Control.

Nothing

So. It's over, huh.

Who is he? A friend. Just a friend? A friend. Always been a friend. I only knew a friend. For so long...

Who am I then? Who was I? What have I done to myself?

One

It's amazing how a single message, or the lack of it, can bring me down to the dumps from normal mood or how a single message can bring me up to the heavens.

It's over - Letter/email

13/06/2006, Tuesday, 1.45pm

Hi.
It's been 3 days plus since we last talked. Proper talk, I mean. I screwed up the last one. If you all don't mind, please allow me to pretend here that I'm talking to him. Actually I don't even know if he reads this blog anymore. My comment links are eerily silent. Just let me pretend.

Hey... What's up with you so far? I'm fine and not so fine. You know, actually work's not so bad after a while. I got my pay already! So happy! Feels good to look at the number growing larger in my bank account. =) Darn, I'm writing this in the office and now my colleagues/superiors are back from lunch. Have to start work soon.

You know on Friday and yesterday I had to carry some stuff around office. They were clearing space, you see, and needed one of the office-storeroom free, so I was carrying those folders and packets of paper onto the trolley and then to push it to the other room. The rooms are like uh, 10 metres apart *grin* but a lot of things ah, so use trolley lorz. So stupid right, got trolley also can hurt back. Think because had to bend down to pick up the stuff from the floor then bend down again to put the stuff onto the trolley... Then after work yesterday I still happy happy reach home that time do situps, after that couldn't bend at my waist. It's ok now, though. I think anyway. At least I can bend over and stuff. Was thinking I should go and kop a bit of my mum's Yomeishu to drink. Hehz.

And now my knee is starting to act up again. Keep having to go do despatch to GHL and I keep walking past all these orthopaedic clinics. Everytime my knee acts up I'm reminded of you, but won't talk about it lah.

Oh I have gained 1 kg again I think! I am now 42kg! Weighed myself a couple of days ago. So weird right, other girls want to lose weight, I want to gain weight. Haha, I think I've told you a couple of times that I've gained 1kg to 42kg... Shucks.

And hor, I can now get a general idea of Orchard Road! Because of despatch lah! (Oh by the way, this is written at 7.45pm) Just now walked all the way from my office to Liat Towers, Far East Plaza there. So proud of myself. =D And I didn't get lost!

Today's lunch one of my superior treated us. Us meaning the managers, 1 executive, and me the only temp. staff. So embarrassing. But the food is so good! It's at Killiney Road there one of the restaurant/shops. Noodles. Good! Very good! Next time if possible we go there eat ok? If there is a chance, I mean.

I miss you, do you know that? Probably you do and don't really bother. Want to talk to you, do you know that? So many things to tell you but I don't know how to. Afraid of irritating you with emails, smses, calls. If I were you, I'll be irritated too, I suppose. I want to talk, NEED to talk, to YOU, but you won't listen. I just get this feeling that you won't listen. I don't know what to do.

My tears are threatening to spill but I won't let them. You said you won't ignore me, that you need some breathing space. I don't know how to give you that space! I miss you so badly but I can't talk to you, then I get pissed off, at everything - you, work, my knees, my back, but mostly I guess at myself. I don't know how to control myself, I really don't know how! I don't want to irritate you, but I can't help contacting you. I want to know how you are, how your moods are. Are you working? Are you happy working? Is your health any better at all? I ask, but I don't get any answers. So sparse, the answers, that it is almost no information at all. I just feel so far away from you now. Within a day. How can things turn out this way within a day? You say you won't ignore me, but why do I feel that you are doing so? I've to learn something - to treat you like any normal person. Because a normal person sometimes say things and make promises that they are not able to keep. Now I see why you don't ever want to make any promises. But because I always thought that I can hold you to your words, I believed a little too deeply that you won't ignore me. I don't know to trust your words anymore because I don't know if you hate me so much.

Why do I sound like I'm blaming you?

Because no matter what the angle I look at this situation, I only see my own fault. But I am also angry, and part of that anger is directed at you. Mostly I'm just hurt inside.
Only for a while? This? I can't see the end to this. I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel.
I'm writing this here because I don't know HOW to tell you anything anymore. I don't know how to reach out to you. Don't know if you will listen, if you will bother, give me a minute of your attention. Don't even know if you will even read this. I don't know.

Please, will you talk to me? Maybe I'm childish, maybe I don't understand, maybe I only cherish people when I've lost them. Yes, it is my fault that things turned out this way. I'd look at other girls and wonder how they can be so nice, tolerant and understanding. Why am I not? I'm aware that I have to change, but it's not easy. So difficult. Now I don't even know if I have the chance anymore. Will you leave me just like that?

Is it wrong to want to see you more often? No, you never said that it is wrong, I am just questioning myself. An hour a week just isn't enough. I don't want to go to the movies, or to dinner, or wherever else. I only want to sit by you, look at you and share with you my day and hear about yours. Yet I also know that circumstances doesn't allow us to meet for longer than that 1 hour. So an hour it is. Through school term till now, an hour per week. Ironically we meet more during school term than school break. Sometimes I wish I weren't working so that I can see you more often. Or that school would start quickly.

Why, may I ask, do you seldom ask me out? I would not quite have bothered where we went. Hell, it might as well have been just a walk in the neighbourhood. There's no need for a reason to ask me out. Do I sound very childish? Because it sounds so even to me.

I'm sorry. If you are reading, will you please talk to me?

Edit: I emailed him this first and then he replied my email. Now it's over. Really over this time. Refer to post "Nothing". Like what Mamoyo said in this post, "Next one please!" Because now I'm one step closer to The One.

By the way, I don't think you are the only one who feels stressed out me. I kind of give that to a lot of people, I guess. But it's just really sad to know that I have that effect upon you. All this while I didn't know. So ironic, I'm always looking forward to meeting you, your calls, your smses, while you are just stressed out by them. I guess I'll make a really terrible partner, always stressing people out.
Just hope the next guy will stay around long enough to push me to change.

If there's ever a next guy.

You're a great person in your own way. Too bad I didn't get you. =P Hopefully I'd have made some positive impact on you, besides that stressing out thing. I can see you've changed your mind about how relationships work already. That's good.
I know that with time things will just fade away. We might meet on the streets one day and not even recognize each other. I know how contact can be lost, how 2 people who were close can become merely acquaintances. I don't wish for it to happen, but sometimes I can't do anything.

Have I thanked you? No, I don't think so. Thank you, my dear. No I won't call you that ever again. Just this one last time. Thanks for everything. You've brought me a lot of happiness in this what, 8 months? Around there. A lot of joy and a lot of sweet memories, that's what I've gained. I know you've done a lot. I appreciate it. So thank you.
Yes, perhaps friends still, but I'll still miss you and everything about you. If you understand what I mean.

Do you know why I want to talk? Because communication is important! Remember that ok! Even in future with your friends and your girlfriends and acquaintances and what-not, you MUST TALK! Make known how you feel! Try, ok? Promise yourself that you'll try?
And I wanted to talk because I want to know what went wrong. I want to know if there are any aspects of me that I should change. I want to know from you what is the impression I give. I don't want to make the same mistakes again, like I always do. Not again. If I have to write it down, then I will! So when it's ok with you, would you grant me a session of talking? *grin* Sounds so weird, but I seriously mean it.

Don't feel stressed from reading this post ok! =P I'm just trying to be frank and everything is from my heart. And I'm really sorry for stressing you out. Shucks, I think I just stressed you out today again. I'm trying to suppress it.

I know you'll find your girl soon. Wishing you all the best.

To sing

Have the urge to sing, so here's Corrinne May's If I Kissed You:

Feel free to cover your ears if you can't take it. And oh, please pardon the mistakes. Uh, used my camera to record because no ipod or whatever-not-used-to-record-sound, which explains the black screen and uh, forgot to set my msn messenger to silent mode. *sheepish grin*



*bows*

Random

Stupid. Hurt my back slightly. Or is it waist. Whatever lah. Carry heavy things during work, thought should be ok, how I know so lousy. *grumbles*

So proud of myself. Because of my job, I am now able to navigate about 1/48 of Orchard.

Splurged on Sunday. Bought a CD.

-------------------------
I saw a pair of brown plain sandals, a dark brown fancy one with lace-like straps, pinkish-red skirt with white prints, black long pants.
I can't tell who are the owners of those clothes and shoes though.
I noticed the floors of Orchard are tiled. There are cracks in between tiles, in tiles. The rain water accumulate there.

I've spent approximately the majority of 2 days looking at people over the top of my glasses or through the topmost section of my spectacles' lenses. Face turned downwards or mostly turned away.

Erm, I'm a bit shy, you see.

Pathetic, aren't I.

Parking

Mingzhu gave me this link to a parking game. Very fun! I realize I can't do parallel parking though... =(
Give it a shot!
I'm off to Esplanade! =)

Edit: Didn't go to Esplanade for Beautiful Sunday in the end. Rained heavily the moment I stepped out of my house. Halfway to the MRT station my pants were wet all the way to my knees. What's the point? Won't enjoy the concert in this state anyway. Bleh. Was so looking forward to it. My escapade... Washed away by the rain.

The music

It's time to go to the concerts again. =)

Played by Dana Davidson

Played by Dana Davidson made me feel like I'm sixteen instead of nineteen-going-on-twenty. I picked the book randomly off the shelf at the library a couple of days ago. Ok, so maybe not so randomly. I was having a bad day, was depressed, went to the library, felt like I needed a really simple and corny book to read. This book was on the "new arrival" shelf and the front cover looked corny enough so I borrowed it. For your info, this book is only 234 (nice number) pages long, barely half an inch thick.
For this short a novel, it is very impressive. It's very simple so it gets the point across easily. The issues it deals with are down to earth and very close to home. I feel like it's talking to me. Some things are so true that I almost nodded in agreement. Mostly I just frowned in surprise. Don't think I could put this book in wholly books for bookaholics because... it seems silly to recommend such a simple book. It's the complete opposite to what we said in the introductory message in that blog isn't it? I don't know, should I? Anyway I loved it. It was so touching that I was crying through half the book.
Darn, I've done quite a bit of crying today - watched I Not Stupid Too (2) on VCD and was crying through it as well. Mom says I look ugly when I cry. Bleh.
Oh, I felt like I was 16 when reading the book because the characters inside are also 16 and I really can't believe I could identify with them. Hell, they even seem like they are more mature than me! But then, I guess I'm a childish brat. *sarcastic grin*

Workouts

Yesterday at work had to carry piles of those folders and its contents. Something like catalogue, but more of telling people what is your company doing. So it is one pile of folder, and then another package of one of it's paper contents, and then another package of another of it's paper contents. So carry from one room to another room. Office no space, have to make space ah. I had a marvellous workout then. Now I have sore muscles. And then I had another great workout in the toilet when I thought that there was a cockroach on my leg when it is actually string from my pants. Was jumping around, trying to get it off me when it suddenly occured to me that it might be string. So embarrassing, people were staring at me like I'm crazy. *shrug* I'm used to it anyway. Just kinds of irked me that none of them came to tell me that it is a string. Yeah, like I should expect that. Reminds me of in my seondary school when I once did that in front of a whole bunch of people. They probably still remember me.

11pm - Just home

Don't know what I was doing today. It's like it wasn't me. I look back and I don't see the reason behind what I was doing. Hell, I wasn't even feeling anything. Not angry, not pissed, not upset. Just a void, like I know I have to do this, that probably it's time to do it. So I did it and went back, the void bigger, gradually making itself known. A few hours later, I finally recognize that void and the ache that comes with it. Both times, irrationality. Don't know when I will learn. Probably never will. Like I said, I make people lives pretty miserable.

Doesn't matter what I say now either because this time round I know I've pushed it too far. I know I probably shouldn't post this either. It's not for publication, but somehow it is also to be read. My sincere apologies. But do apologies help? What can apologies do? Doesn't matter, I still need to say it.

--------------------------------

I look ahead and I see seconds turn into minutes, minutes into hours, hours... just drag on. Suddenly I see the world in black, grey and white again.
There are stones in my shoes, every step taken is torture.
My feet are rocks, it takes so much effort to move them.
Don't want to be free, keeping myself busy.
If I'm free, then talk, sleep - the easy way out.
But will my dreams be haunted with my waking thoughts?
I pat my pillow thrice, "Go away, Thoughts," I thought.

It's 11pm, and I'm just home.

--------------------------------

From www.engrish.com

How can I miss him?

I miss him already though it's not yet a week since I last saw him. Tomorrow's a full week. I keep counting the days to the next time, but sometimes there is no next time, so I just keep counting the days. Telling him I miss him doesn't help, just makes me feel worse.

I know it sounds silly but I just want to talk to him. There are all these little moments in my everyday life that I want to tell him but there's no time and no way to convey it, then it's all lost. Maybe I should start writing it all down so that I can squeeze it all into the few hours we meet and not remember later on that I forgot to tell him something.

Are my moods so easy to read? I'm amazed he can read it through my SMSes and I feel guilty that I can't read his.

Feel like I want to go out and walk and walk and walk and walk until my knees hurt or I'm tired.

Don't remember

Did it rain today? Or was it shining all the while?
Did I throw away the plastic the fruit was in? Or is it still on the table?
Did I forget to do something? Or did I not?
What day is it today?

I don't remember.

06/06/06 - an entry entirely in pictures (and a sentence)

While I ate a bowl of fishball noodles.

Balloon Hat Festival 2006

How it went:

8 of us went to Sentosa.

We played samba on both days, Saturday and Sunday.

Then we went home.

-End-

Hacking?; Losing it

I think somebody is trying to hack into my blogger account. I keep getting these emails from blogger saying that I have requested for information to my account and gives me a link to the "change password" page. I remember my password very well, thank you very much, which leads me to wonder if somebody has been trying to get into my account. Makes no sense really. I mean, look at this blog. Why would anybody try to get my account? It's not like Xiaxue's blog which is all famous and have people who hack in because they don't like her and try to get back at her (I think that's why her blog was hacked. *frowns* Go read her blog entries to find out about it). If it's SH's blogger account somebody is trying to hack into, I would understand. Or Chuwen's. Or The Student's Sketchpad's.

Oi, I'm not asking you all to go hack into their accounts hor! Oops, did I just suggest that?

Anyway, look at their blogs and look at mine. Come on. They have hot girls (by the way, I think she's really hot), wonderful comics, tasty snacks, nice writing styles and wide range of videos 1, 2, 3.... The point is, what about me?! I've lost my ability to write properly, haven't been taking photos recently, haven't been reading the papers, have pimples, carrot-biting-rabbit ignoring me... Sorry, out of point. The point is,

I have my sister.

Right.
*stares at rabbit for a bit* Did it just hop up here and type something... *waves hand a bit* Nah, imagining things. Anyway as I was saying, the carrot-biting-rabbit has always been ignor- so cute and sweet and nice to me. It has big round eyes too!

Right.
*stares at keyboard* Why is there a bit of carrot on my keyboard?

What was I saying? Oh yes. My sister - the unpaid child labour on this blog.

So either somebody is trying to hack into my account, or blogger is screwing up.

Seriously, I have got some problems with writing now. All these words and spaces and more words and styles and jokes in my head but am unable to put them down. Reminds me of Harry Potter on his broomstick. See what I mean? My ideas are all over the place. Damn frustrating. It makes me jealous reading other people's blogs. Nicely constructed sentences, well placed spaces. It's about the style!













I miss school already. Sentence is completely unrelated to post. Just like the nice big space there.

I'm so losing it.

I'm

Volatile. Oddly volatile. Something's back.

Like cheesecake and honey hot cakes

Today was utterly sweet. Like cheesecake and honey hot cakes, only with a cherry on top.

SH had lunch with me today.
All. The. Way. At. Orchard.

Coincidentally, this very morning on my way to work, I was recalling some time early this year when I was still working at Parkway and he popped out of nowhere to have lunch with me. Was wondering if it would ever happen again, and then it did. Only that this time round he asked before he showed up.

So yes although it was only an hour plus, it was a very happy hour plus. Plus the anticipation, the lunch itself, and the after-effects, adds up to more than an hour plus. Just when I thought that life is getting a bit boring (I only need a week for it to happen), you came to spruce things up a bit. Should I thank you? *thinks hard* Yes, I know what you will say, but still, THANK YOU! (with many many kisses. I know only you will read this. =P *prays nobody else sees it*)