After-effects

Still hurting inside. Whenever I look at my table this sense of sadness washes over me. I see kitty in the glass bottle and I see that bottle of water chestnut drink and that packet of strepsils in that white plastic bag and I am reminded of everything. It's like a wave of emotions that washes over me. So I put kitty into my cupboard, but I still see it. I gave that drink to my sister and I took a sip of it. Now it's inside me. That packet of strepsils is on my bed now. I'll probably stow it away in my kitchen cupboard for future use. But I still see Totto-chan, I'm still reminded. I bend down, I spot Drumline, I'm reminded. Luckily a stack of CDs are on top of it, so I don't really see anything.

Now I understand how 2 people can become just acquaintances. It is when one feel like how I do now. I just want to distance myself. Far, far away. Away from him and anything that reminded me of him. Didn't feel like this in the afternoon. This afternoon I wanted any reminder of him, I asked him to sms me sometimes. Right now... I still do want his sms. Can't imagine life without it, but everytime I see it or think about receiving it, I still feel hurt inside. Like there's this void there that aches. Because there is this knowledge that I'll never feel his arms around me again nor his lips upon mine, or have his undivided attention and concern, and always somehow making me feel treasured.

He says should see it as an advance to another level, but I can't see it that way and I'm disappointed with myself for it. I want is to be far and near at the same time. It's easier to hide behind a facade of happiness and pretend that things are fine than face it. Still too raw.

He's right. He can't face me now and neither can I face him. Maybe after school reopens, I don't even want to face him at all. MZ says time is the best medicine. I know and I trust her.

Now I can't stand to be alone. When I'm alone my mind wanders. Work is good. Even if I have to drag my body around, I'll work. Which reminds me that I have to start looking for another job soon because this one's ending in June, which is very soon. Hey, it rhymes! And I want to try so many things. The things that I want to try need money, though, so it's still back to the job thing.

Very almost picked up that cigarette. Grateful that in the end I didn't. Slap me if I ever do.

Oddly, I've found back my inspiration for blogging. =) Bleh.