It's over - Letter/email

13/06/2006, Tuesday, 1.45pm

Hi.
It's been 3 days plus since we last talked. Proper talk, I mean. I screwed up the last one. If you all don't mind, please allow me to pretend here that I'm talking to him. Actually I don't even know if he reads this blog anymore. My comment links are eerily silent. Just let me pretend.

Hey... What's up with you so far? I'm fine and not so fine. You know, actually work's not so bad after a while. I got my pay already! So happy! Feels good to look at the number growing larger in my bank account. =) Darn, I'm writing this in the office and now my colleagues/superiors are back from lunch. Have to start work soon.

You know on Friday and yesterday I had to carry some stuff around office. They were clearing space, you see, and needed one of the office-storeroom free, so I was carrying those folders and packets of paper onto the trolley and then to push it to the other room. The rooms are like uh, 10 metres apart *grin* but a lot of things ah, so use trolley lorz. So stupid right, got trolley also can hurt back. Think because had to bend down to pick up the stuff from the floor then bend down again to put the stuff onto the trolley... Then after work yesterday I still happy happy reach home that time do situps, after that couldn't bend at my waist. It's ok now, though. I think anyway. At least I can bend over and stuff. Was thinking I should go and kop a bit of my mum's Yomeishu to drink. Hehz.

And now my knee is starting to act up again. Keep having to go do despatch to GHL and I keep walking past all these orthopaedic clinics. Everytime my knee acts up I'm reminded of you, but won't talk about it lah.

Oh I have gained 1 kg again I think! I am now 42kg! Weighed myself a couple of days ago. So weird right, other girls want to lose weight, I want to gain weight. Haha, I think I've told you a couple of times that I've gained 1kg to 42kg... Shucks.

And hor, I can now get a general idea of Orchard Road! Because of despatch lah! (Oh by the way, this is written at 7.45pm) Just now walked all the way from my office to Liat Towers, Far East Plaza there. So proud of myself. =D And I didn't get lost!

Today's lunch one of my superior treated us. Us meaning the managers, 1 executive, and me the only temp. staff. So embarrassing. But the food is so good! It's at Killiney Road there one of the restaurant/shops. Noodles. Good! Very good! Next time if possible we go there eat ok? If there is a chance, I mean.

I miss you, do you know that? Probably you do and don't really bother. Want to talk to you, do you know that? So many things to tell you but I don't know how to. Afraid of irritating you with emails, smses, calls. If I were you, I'll be irritated too, I suppose. I want to talk, NEED to talk, to YOU, but you won't listen. I just get this feeling that you won't listen. I don't know what to do.

My tears are threatening to spill but I won't let them. You said you won't ignore me, that you need some breathing space. I don't know how to give you that space! I miss you so badly but I can't talk to you, then I get pissed off, at everything - you, work, my knees, my back, but mostly I guess at myself. I don't know how to control myself, I really don't know how! I don't want to irritate you, but I can't help contacting you. I want to know how you are, how your moods are. Are you working? Are you happy working? Is your health any better at all? I ask, but I don't get any answers. So sparse, the answers, that it is almost no information at all. I just feel so far away from you now. Within a day. How can things turn out this way within a day? You say you won't ignore me, but why do I feel that you are doing so? I've to learn something - to treat you like any normal person. Because a normal person sometimes say things and make promises that they are not able to keep. Now I see why you don't ever want to make any promises. But because I always thought that I can hold you to your words, I believed a little too deeply that you won't ignore me. I don't know to trust your words anymore because I don't know if you hate me so much.

Why do I sound like I'm blaming you?

Because no matter what the angle I look at this situation, I only see my own fault. But I am also angry, and part of that anger is directed at you. Mostly I'm just hurt inside.
Only for a while? This? I can't see the end to this. I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel.
I'm writing this here because I don't know HOW to tell you anything anymore. I don't know how to reach out to you. Don't know if you will listen, if you will bother, give me a minute of your attention. Don't even know if you will even read this. I don't know.

Please, will you talk to me? Maybe I'm childish, maybe I don't understand, maybe I only cherish people when I've lost them. Yes, it is my fault that things turned out this way. I'd look at other girls and wonder how they can be so nice, tolerant and understanding. Why am I not? I'm aware that I have to change, but it's not easy. So difficult. Now I don't even know if I have the chance anymore. Will you leave me just like that?

Is it wrong to want to see you more often? No, you never said that it is wrong, I am just questioning myself. An hour a week just isn't enough. I don't want to go to the movies, or to dinner, or wherever else. I only want to sit by you, look at you and share with you my day and hear about yours. Yet I also know that circumstances doesn't allow us to meet for longer than that 1 hour. So an hour it is. Through school term till now, an hour per week. Ironically we meet more during school term than school break. Sometimes I wish I weren't working so that I can see you more often. Or that school would start quickly.

Why, may I ask, do you seldom ask me out? I would not quite have bothered where we went. Hell, it might as well have been just a walk in the neighbourhood. There's no need for a reason to ask me out. Do I sound very childish? Because it sounds so even to me.

I'm sorry. If you are reading, will you please talk to me?

Edit: I emailed him this first and then he replied my email. Now it's over. Really over this time. Refer to post "Nothing". Like what Mamoyo said in this post, "Next one please!" Because now I'm one step closer to The One.

By the way, I don't think you are the only one who feels stressed out me. I kind of give that to a lot of people, I guess. But it's just really sad to know that I have that effect upon you. All this while I didn't know. So ironic, I'm always looking forward to meeting you, your calls, your smses, while you are just stressed out by them. I guess I'll make a really terrible partner, always stressing people out.
Just hope the next guy will stay around long enough to push me to change.

If there's ever a next guy.

You're a great person in your own way. Too bad I didn't get you. =P Hopefully I'd have made some positive impact on you, besides that stressing out thing. I can see you've changed your mind about how relationships work already. That's good.
I know that with time things will just fade away. We might meet on the streets one day and not even recognize each other. I know how contact can be lost, how 2 people who were close can become merely acquaintances. I don't wish for it to happen, but sometimes I can't do anything.

Have I thanked you? No, I don't think so. Thank you, my dear. No I won't call you that ever again. Just this one last time. Thanks for everything. You've brought me a lot of happiness in this what, 8 months? Around there. A lot of joy and a lot of sweet memories, that's what I've gained. I know you've done a lot. I appreciate it. So thank you.
Yes, perhaps friends still, but I'll still miss you and everything about you. If you understand what I mean.

Do you know why I want to talk? Because communication is important! Remember that ok! Even in future with your friends and your girlfriends and acquaintances and what-not, you MUST TALK! Make known how you feel! Try, ok? Promise yourself that you'll try?
And I wanted to talk because I want to know what went wrong. I want to know if there are any aspects of me that I should change. I want to know from you what is the impression I give. I don't want to make the same mistakes again, like I always do. Not again. If I have to write it down, then I will! So when it's ok with you, would you grant me a session of talking? *grin* Sounds so weird, but I seriously mean it.

Don't feel stressed from reading this post ok! =P I'm just trying to be frank and everything is from my heart. And I'm really sorry for stressing you out. Shucks, I think I just stressed you out today again. I'm trying to suppress it.

I know you'll find your girl soon. Wishing you all the best.