I'm sorry. I want to start anew all over again. I can't continue here anymore, knowing how much I'm keeping back from you all.
I don't just like him. It's more than that. I can't stand blogging here knowing how much I'm keeping from him. I can't.... I don't want to hurt him either.
I just can't ... write here anymore. I don't know, maybe I'm not keeping anything from you all, maybe I'm starting to be "normal". After I spill, I'm not blogging here anymore. Another name, another account, another blog. I'll start all over again.

I tried to take away the stress from him. I don't know how much I succeeded. I don't think it was a lot. I know he doesn't like to talk on msn, I know I can't help clicking on his name whenever he's online, I know I tend to ... do stupid things online, so I deleted him from my list and added him back only when necessary. I filtered things from this place. What you read is not what is necessarily true. I control and control and I feel really odd. I want to cry, but I know he doesn't want me to. My friends and I think that's stupid, that I have my emotions and I wish he'd stop trying to control the way I heal, but I know the guilt he is feeling. I tear a little sometimes but I try not to cry. Really, I try. Now I don't know how to cry. My mind pushes it back in so automatically I don't know how to get the tears out. I know now I'm saying all these, he'll feel guilty. I don't know if I'm bothered about him feeling guilty or whatever. I'm so... everywhere, scattered all over the place. I do things I know I shouldn't be doing.

I really wish things turned out different. I think I'm stupid.

Does it make sense if I say.. Is it right if I say... Is it ok if I say...
I love him. I just don't know what to do about it.

I spilled. Thank you all for all your support to this blog. It feels right this time round to just stop blogging here. If I feel like it, I might return to this account in the future. And wholly books for bookaholics is still operating. We're just not free to read books that's all.

Bye and thanks again.

On MSN (again)

BL says hi to me on MSN. I say hi to her too and then she asks:

啦~啦~啦~ ~ says:
how do you react when guys said they wanna talk dirty

After we've conversed for a while,

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | says:
haha.. why you ask me!

啦~啦~啦~ ~ says:
thought you more experienced to handle such things


I don't know whether to be flattered or not.

Driving, on MSN

My friend on her driving lesson, driving on the main roads of Singapore.
*MSN nick changed to protect identity* =)

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | says:
your car got stall?

Friend says:
ya today stall for a few times cuz I kan chiong

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | says:
haha

Friend says:
red light then later green light

Friend says:
and alot of cars moving off

Friend says:
so I wan to move off fast too, in the end even worst

Friend says:
haha

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | says:
orh...

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | says:
then how?

|MuSiC!~| 4ever with us | says:
they know that you are learning?

Friend says:
restart engine

Friend says:
haha they know

Friend says:
then all change lane lor

So evil! =D

Lost it

Last night my brother was standing and holding it up with one hand while my mother was squatting and trying to put it back.



I don't know what you are thinking about but my family's dining table lost a leg:

3-legged table

I wasn't quite sure why it lost its leg because it sure wasn't playing soccer. Maybe it's too excited about it being mid-autumn festival the next day.
Those are tools you see on the underside of the table and it's upside-down because my father is/was trying to fix it. I just looked outside and it's still upside-down. By the way, the leg was glued on. Damn.

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival

"Happy Mid-Autumn Festival!"

I ate him:

He was very sweet. I liked the feeling of him in my mouth. =)

.... ...Mid-autumn festival I can also twist it around and talk dirty.

Fondue and more

It wasn't planned, just had fondue at Kovan CC. I didn't even know Kovan have a CC! First time having fondue, so can't compare with anywhere else, but heard from my friend that it really wasn't that good. What a waste of $9.90. At least now I know how fondue is like, so thanks to him for bringing me there. I had an enjoyable time too. It has always been fun talking to him.

Though that's about the end of my weekly allowance, with $2 tomorrow to spare. See lah friend, make me spend! =P Just kidding! No worries, I still have money. I'd better head down to arts canteen early tomorrow for lunch. Hate the lunch hour crowd.

Busy busy busy.

It's amazing how insignificant we are in this world and universe. When you think that you are the greatest, the best, there are always people way above you. So your head is all big and you feel really good about yourself, then you see them and realize that perhaps you aren't so good after all, that if the ladder has 100 rungs, you are merely at the first or second one. Then it's time to be humble, remind yourself who you are and where you really stand, and maybe work your way up there. But seriously, it's quite good being down here as well, especially if you know that you can't handle whatever it is up there. There are friends here, and warmth and predictability. You don't get your ass kicked when you make a mistake, or your reputation ruined. Most of the time you can only improve and not do worse, so it's only up and not down.

Really time to sit down and do some serious studying. My CAP score is going up this semester, not down.

favour

Please pray for me tomorrow at 10am. I am so dead.

Mostly healed

I was walking around in my very small room today quite aimlessly when I suddenly realized that I have already, mostly, gotten over him, though I don't know why I am not acknowledging it.

Yes, it is simpler to be free and on my own.

Afterall, I can tempt as many guys as I want without any fear of offending anybody. *grin*

busy; The Forum; girl

No time to blog, got physics mid-term tomorrow (no confidence), activity on Saturday, social psychology mid-term on monday, for which I have not studied completely for.

The Forum at Central Library should start putting price tags on their items. I bought a $3.50 stick/bottle of sweets when I thought it costs $2.60. Plus their (most important) textbooks don't ever have price tags on them, which is extremely irritating. I feel as if they are trying to cheat us of our money. We're students, for goodness' sake! Even if we hold a job, it's a part-time job! Not all of us own our own businesses like some really entrepreneurial students who might have some (a lot) money to spare. Somebody from NUS please tell me who to drop this suggestion to.
I would have expected better from NUS.

The tube of sweets I bought for Olivia

And I saw a girl wearing rainbow-coloured striped panties today. *grin* No, I didn't peak up her dress. Rather, I saw through her white, translucent dress. It was obviously done on purpose. Somehow I found it very interesting and very funny. *grin wider* Feel a bit like a voyeur. I don't mind seeing more of such sightings around school. It's like porn in real life. =D

very very bad; better and better

This is very, very bad. For the first time I'm not able to catch up with my revision schedule and I have 2 tests coming up this week. 2 tests for which I am not well-prepared at all. In fact, I am quite doubtful as to which chapters are even coming up.

----------------------------
I really think I can get over him. Really, really! I can feel it inside of me. It's just getting better and better.
Now everybody is happy. =)

Pervert in the house

I think I just added a pervert onto my MSN list. First he said he's 25 when his profile says he's 27. Then when I asked him about that, he said oops, he's sorry and that he's always blur at this time of the day. It's 4pm for goodness sake! How tired can you be?! And it's a sunday! Even if you went out all night, you would have woke up now already! Secondly, when I asked how come he doesn't comment in sgforums, he said he just joined not long ago. His profile says that he joined on the 25th september 2005! Thirdly, the first few things he asked are:

1) Am I attached?
2) Do I have a picture?
3) Don't suppose I have a webcam? (to which I said no, although I do have)

Oh now he is asking if I'm not intending to hook up with guys in NUS, sure that there are worthy guys around (is he talking about himself?!)

Everything screams "pervert".

This should be fun.

Oh oh! He just asked if I ever had a boyfriend and then followed it by asking if I ever felt horny! =D This is so interesting, but scary. So bloody obvious what he wants.

I asked how he knew if I was from NUS, he said it used to be on my profile. What crap!
I think I'm getting on his nerves, from the way I'm replying. Very bored, very cold.

Why am I giving all of you a live account of what I'm experiencing now?

Pervert, pervert, I'm so going to block him... Though I know there are some people who will gladly meet him for sex or engage in cybersex with him.

Ok, why am I talking about porn with him now?

Tsk, I'm bad at lying, he blocked me first. Damn. I wanted to see his cock!

No, wait! He didn't block me! Ok, he thinks I'm this gorgeous girl (I showed him a fake picture). Hey, I have to lie to him, right? I'm feeling quite bad now, but oh well...
*grin* It's going to get a tiny itsy bitsy bit gross ok? If you all don't want to know just skip over the next paragraph.

He masturbated through webcam! Bright lights, nice picture, okay cock. Only thing is he isn't circumcised, which erm, I kind of find it disgusting. He was going to cum, asked me to talk dirty with him, so I humoured him and luckily (hehz) it wasn't very long before he came. Thanks to somebody, I had a little practice at it.

Ok, if you skipped you can start reading from here!

I showed him a picture of this pretty girl SH once sent me. SH, if you want to know which, come ask me, I'll show you which one.
Then nothing much lah, kept hinting that we should meet, but how could I? =) He says he's a medical student doing his postgraduate studies in NUS, and I don't exactly believe him. But mmm, I feel like seeing some cock now.
After he's done I continued with my excuse, even said that I'm late going out and that what am I supposed to tell my friend later on. I'm guessing he believed me, took every one of my word for it. I'm evil hor? Shouldn't it be guy bluff girl? Why now is I bluff guy?

Realized I sound darn ironical. Different parts of this entry is written at different timings.


I hope none of you is that guy.

Happy Children's Day

Happy Children's Day!

How could I forget?

Really sorry

I'm sorry, everybody who reads this blog. Some will know why, some won't know. Those who don't know why, most of you are those I want to apologize to. I'm really, really sorry.

Officially 20 - Happy birthday

I don't know. I'm officially 20. I feel 18 inside.

Had dinner with MZ and BL at Swensen's, wanted to head down to either a club or pub for a drink but...

Mom said I had to be home by 1am.

Actually was planning to meet at 10.30pm then go MoS till... I don't know, *shrug*, maybe 2am or so then leave. But I told my parents about it and both quite violently objected, so we changed plans and had dinner instead, but now that I look at it, there isn't much difference whether I went for dinner or went MoS instead since the timing would be about 1 hour difference. Think they were worried about me going to clubs.

I don't know. I'm feeling quite pissed, actually. Before today, I was treated like a 19. Yesterday I was treated like a 18. It's my birthday, I really would like to decide what to do. This is just it, you know. This is how I spent my birthday eve and I can tell you how I'll spend it today. A dinner just now, study through the night, a lunch with JY in the afternoon, maybe a birthday cake from my parents, maybe presents (I don't really care about that). It sounds quite alright, doesn't it? I don't know. I really wanted to go out.

Yaoming wished me happy (belated - what the!) birthday 1 full day before today, another friend wished me a few hours in advance, YZ wished me happy birthday at exactly 12, MZ sent me an SMS although she was right beside me at 12, BL sent me an SMS (to which I replied) although she was also in front of me at 12.03am, YY wished me on MSN the first thing when I went online, Brennan (JC classmate) actually remembered my birthday too, Benison (after I reminded him) wished me also and Nasrul, a guy I knew online from youtube, also wished me. Oh, Nasrul even bought me rechargeable batteries because I lost mine! =D I'm going to receive something through post, yay, and have batteries for my camera again.
Ok, I should stop updating the list of who wished me happy birthday. Thanks to all of you who wished me and who will wish me! =) You all made my (very very early) day.

Happy birthday, Bao Ling! =) Happy 20th birthday to me too!