Falling back to missing

Every few weeks I get back to square one, to missing him. It must feel good to have somebody missing/wanting/yearning/lusting after you although you don't exactly want that person. Is there a feeling of superiority, perhaps? Or is it a boost of confidence? I'm getting tired of missing him, tired of trying to pull my thoughts away from him everytime I fall back to square one. But it's alright because it hurts less each time I fall back. And the very last time I fall back and it doesn't hurt will be when I know I've finally gotten over it.
Would it make sense if I said I would rather hurt?

I'm really pathetic, aren't I? Sometimes I think it's better if I never liked anybody in the first place because even typing all these irks me. Irks me that I'm dependent on somebody else, that I'm so pathetically... ...can't find the word for it.

That I force myself on a person. Yes, that's it. I force myself upon that person. I really think guys should keep far far away from me. I'm so small-sized but the pressure I give is wonderfully large!