Deliberate hurt

I deliberately hurt myself this way because I need to knock myself awake. I need to stop harbouring hopes. Don't be nice to me please. When you do, my life seems so bright. When you told me that you have no more feelings for me, I don't see anything. There's a blind in front of my eyes. Or am I really blind? The world's so bleak. All grey and white. I feel suffocated. I look out my window and see the block opposite, but my eyes glaze over it and it is an effort even to look across. An effort to blink, walk, talk. What's there to laugh for, to smile about? And I toy with the thought of the blade to my flesh for a little while. Do you know that I'll really do what you said? Anything to see you again. Don't be nice to me.
As far as you are concerned, I'm fine. I'm always fine. Get that? Always fine. If I miss you, I'll get over it. If I'm sad, I'll get over it. If I cry, I'll stop soon. I'm fine. Now I see I can't be your friend because if I do, I'll just harbour hopes.
Will take it as a training session because I see more to come. Ha.
More to come.