LY's entry; about blogging

You know sometimes when we read certain things we will feel sorry for the person or just feel sad in general? LY's latest entry is one such example.

"somtimes i wonder
why do i even bother
is he online
what is he doing
will he be in school today
out of nowhere,
after ive told myself that i wont see him
or he do not have any lessons
i will bump into him
like how coincidence all that can be
and then after that
i will be in a state of 'i-dont-know'
i dont know how to describe
excited?
happy?
confused?
after when ive decided that hes not worth it
after 2 people telling me to forget him
cos hes not going to do anything about us
he will appear all of a sudden
be it right in front of me
or appearing online

i guess
guys are all the same
they love ambiguity
and no committments
so when they have no one to find
they will approach you
sigh

alright
i think im talking nosense again
and now
i have a craving for meiji strawberry yoghurt!
groceries shopping after tuition later!"

Then a few hours later within the same day, she posted this:

""how much do you care about what others think of you?"
"quite abit"
"why do you care?"
"i dont know, just works this way i guess"
"why"
"just wondering
worried over shit
big time
it's quite dumb i think
but then again
i can't help it"
"worried over what?"
"people
that's why the nick"

tell me why
he talked to me again after so long
and came this weird question
hais
make me worry
what exactly's the thing bothering him
whats with me"

LY's worried and I can comprehend that. But the point is the question he asked and the way he asked it. I can only imagine how he asked it, but it sounded so troubled and so sad that I just felt sad. Probably also because of how and what she blogged, asking what's wrong, the "hais".

Somehow I can't put my finger on why I'm blogging about her latest entry. It just sounded so sad that I had to blog about it. I'm leaving out a lot of things on what I want to write because it's no longer just my friends and I reading. Audience makes a difference, people. It really does. I can write like this in my diary but here there are people reading it and whatever I write can affect others in many, many ways. I realize I can no longer bare my heart and soul in here to my closest friends, which was my original intent when I started blogging seriously. Maybe it's just something that every blogger comes to realize when they come to terms with the point that a blog is in a public sphere. We have to control what we are writing. So maybe what you see here is not me anymore. That as long as I keep myself to myself, my problems to my diary, my happiness to my blog, then this happiness is my mask and what you see and whom you think you know through this blog is not really me at all but really only a mask. So how much do I really know about others who blog? Are my friends really who they are on their blog? How much do they hide? How much do they reveal? Are they happy? Are they sad? I don't want my blog to be commercialized and I don't understand why others want their blog to be commercialized. I don't think I will tell others my blog address anymore even if they ask. If they find it, fine, I can't control it, but what I can do, I will do.

Somehow I feel like I've lost something and I'm back to square one.

My blog is no longer my blog.