Confession

SH, an advice not to read this. I know what's wrong and I will get past this.

I need to get this off my chest. Couldn't put it here previously because I didn't want him to be scared of reading my blog and because it simply didn't occur to me to do so. But since I've already told him how I feel, I think if he wants to read he should be able to get through this. Hopefully.

If I were to ask myself what I really feel, I would be very confused, so I won't ask that. I'll just state and write whatever comes to mind. This is what a blog should be about, shouldn't it? Well, most of it anyway. To the rest of my friends, you don't have to read this if you don't want to, it's really alright.

On that wednesday not too long ago when we officially donned that title of being "friends", I really thought that I could get through this. Forget it, let it go, live my life, treat him as a friend. Basically it started out really fine, then I realized I couldn't handle it. It didn't matter what my mind told me, my heart just refused to listen sometimes. I could get past it basically by telling myself not to expect. Never expect anything.

If I send a sms, don't expect a reply. Don't expect him to know what you're feeling now, even as a friend. Don't expect him to listen to your problems because it's not his job to do that. Don't expect him to ask you out for lunch. Don't expect him to answer your question. Don't expect him to be concerned.

I trained myself not to expect. It's good, when I don't expect because when it does happen, it's a nice surprise. When it doesn't, then I don't feel upset because I don't expect. Life's simpler to a certain extent that way.

Then I really started to miss him. I missed everything. I missed simply talking even because I can't even seem to establish a proper conversation with him anymore, whether through msn or sms. Now I realized I forgot to expect the most important thing - don't expect him to have any feelings for me. Maybe I expected that, but I don't know and I don't really care. I only know I miss him and it hurts me. It's been barely two weeks. I hated it when I send a sms telling him something about my trouble or what-not and conversation stops completely after I reply to his reply to my sms. I know I shouldn't expect, but it hurts me all the same. I tell myself that it's alright, he probably has his own stuff going on, shouldn't disturb him, and remember what you tell yourself - don't expect. It became such that I felt like I was an irritant, a disturbance. I was afraid of disturbing him. I was afraid of asking him out for lunch. I was afraid of initiating a conversation with him. I end up being very polite.

He says only now does he feel he's got a true friend in the form of me, but I don't feel the same way. The only thing I feel is increasing distance between us. I don't even feel like a friend to him anymore but more of an acquaintance. I think I might be too sensitive in this area but it's really difficult for me. It's probably because I still harbour feelings for him that I feel such contact, or lack of it, is significant.

He's surprised/shocked maybe to some extent even afraid, when he learnt I still can't treat him as a normal friend. Truthfully, I'm upset over that. I lied that I was fine with asking another friend to join us for lunch. It's logical to ask another friend to join us for lunch, but inside I'm terribly upset. For the first time in my life, I felt truly lost. Like something in me just packed up and left. Like I don't fit in into the world. When I walk, I don't walk. When I see, I don't see. When I smile, I don't smile. When I laugh, I don't laugh.

I did the most shameful thing which I committed years ago, just recently. I didn't think I'd ever do it again, not after my grandmother's death. For very brief periods, I'd cry, then I'd feel better, then life would go on. Twice it happened, the third time I suppressed it. The third time was today. That was when I realized I am truly purely just a friend to him. There was this weird feeling in me. I couldn't get it out, I couldn't push it back so I just let it stay there. Then I got on the bus, stared out the window. Staring but not seeing. I pushed that urge down, I let the wind dry my eyes. I hated it. Hated crying over something like that. I once told myself a long time ago I'd never let it happen again. I'd never cry over something like this again. To me it is so demeaning. There is just no point. Yes, I might cry when I watch movies or shows or tragedies, that much I allow. But to cry over somebody, no. Never. I don't permit myself to do that and I'll never do that again.

I'm sorry I had to destroy a nice image of him having a true friend by saying that I feel like an acquaintance. I'm sorry for a lot of things. Hold on while I copy and paste an excerpt of what I typed previously but never posted...

i don't know you well enough yet. i truly regret what i did online in the first month i got to know you. that i expressed interest in you. i truly regret it. if i could turn back time, i'd never tell you that i like you that fast. i want to know you as a person, like you as a friend, and then if possible like you romantically. i screwed it up big time. it's always me, but i guess if i screw it up, then i'll learn as well.

Yes, the one thing I regret the most is doing that.

I don't know how to face him tomorrow, now that things are like that. I don't know how to look at him in the eye while knowing that I am but only a friend to him. I might screw things up again, but I know that if I don't meet him this time round, then things will just... cool off. I need to know how we can be friends. Even if I don't treat him as only a friend, it doesn't matter. Like I told him and LY, what I feel towards him doesn't matter in the larger context because it doesn't improve the situation and it doesn't matter to him (from my point of view). My feelings only I can handle. Fortunately, I know all I need is time. This isn't as bad as what I experienced before. I should be able to handle it. I knew I should have typed this out. Writing/typing always sorts out my thoughts and feelings.

This is barely part of what I want to say, but I won't put it down here because it will be too loaded.

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