Why it got to this

Warning: Long entry. Might be boring and because I realize I've resorted to my secondary school way to writing an entry - step by step, every single boring detail in.

Don't know why it didn't occur to me to blog about this to get my thoughts sorted out.
I've tried studying, eating and reading but I still don't feel good and I can't concentrate. If I don't get this out, I think I'll explode. From weight gain.
Don't know why I keep it inside. Was starting to have trouble breathing and experiencing that same feeling of loss I remember quite clearly through those few years back. Then it occured to me that I can blog. I once bared my mind here, so why not now?
I am irritated. Pissed. Very pissed. Why must so much happen over asking a person out for lunch? I don't even see where the problem lies. Ok, maybe I know where it lies but anger is stopping me from seeing reason. Let me write it out, perhaps then I can think better.

(At this point int time, AJ suddenly popped into my mind for no reason. I used to spend time on the top level of the auditorium building after P.E or during breaks. There are fans there and the space is open. I felt free there, very relaxed and sometimes when you want to be alone, a good place to be.
Suddenly I miss my JC days. It was tiring, but there were fun times. I remember when I'd bathe in the toilet after P.E, wash my hair, wear my uniform, made sure the shirt was tucked out properly in that nice AJ-way, and then head up to the top level with food where my friends and I would chat, eat and joke until their chemistry lesson. Then they'd leave and sometimes Jeremy and Joseph would come up for our combined break since only 3 of us don't take chemistry in our class. There would be more chatting and other stuff.
Funny how it just popped up in my mind. It's not even related to this entry at all. I remember how to tuck my shirt so that it's always in but appears out, or the other way round, and my size 25/26 skirt which was initially tight but after 2 years of running became loose. Oh goodness, I miss running and the after-run adrenaline. Stamina has dropped so much.
Oh yes, where was I... )

It started when SH asked if I would be free during my Tuesday 2-hour break. I thought that it'd be nice to have lunch together so I asked if he wanted to do so. My exact words (on msn) were "lunch tml?" After some time he asked wouldn't I be lunching with LY. It seemed a pretty innocent question at that time and I suppose it is. But then it put in front of me the fact that I could lunch with LY as well and since I had, in one of the previous weeks' same timing, lunched with her, I thought it would be courtesy to at least ask her if she wanted to have lunch with me.

Prior to this, it did occur to me very slight to ask her, but my first thought was still to eat with him. (Sorry LY, I make it sound as if you are very unimportant. It's not so, ok? Because I had already eaten with you on monday so it didn't seem that important on monday night.)

Somehow I started feeling guilty wanting to eat with SH instead of LY because I never quite liked the feeling that I'm kind of abandoning a friend in favour of a guy. She was really fine with me wanting to eat with him but I felt so bad that I decided on LY over SH.
Goodness, a lot of the words "eat" and "lunch", isn't there?

Was very apologetic about having to tell him that I'd eat with her instead, as well as me offering to meet for lunch and then canceling it like that. Basically I felt very guilty through the whole god-damn lunch thing. Guilty one part, then guilty another part. You all must think that I'm very funny.

Then he got pissed off. That's what I interpreted. If I'm wrong on this, please correct me. I don't even know what he was pissed about. I don't know why he said he has to "stomach" it, or "it's like infinity plus one". I mean I know the meaning, but I DON'T understand why he would say it. What's wrong with changing my mind? I apologized already and was feeling damn guilty, what the heck am I supposed to do? (Sorry if this sounds like I'm pissed. I wasn't at that point. I just am NOW.)

So I thought about it, decided that it was evil of me to offer to have lunch with him and then simply cancel it, asked LY if it's alright if I lunched with him instead. That girl gussed what I was going to say even before I typed the question. =p She was fine with it, so I told him (still on msn) that I'll lunch with him instead.
I think it was because I capped my words, and that the context of which my capped words appeared looked as if I was angry and had made my decision just to please him. Ok, so part of my decision was to please him... but in a good way. Look, logic says that if he isn't happy that I wouldn't lunch with him, then he should be happy if I decided to do so, right?

Apparently not. Logic went for a break. Appropriate timing.

My capped words (like this: I LUNCH WIF U) were because I was happy that I could lunch with him. Read: HAPPY. Maybe I should have added an exclamation mark to potray it. So is this my fault? Remember that I was HAPPY to have decided to lunch with him. I'm an indecisive person.
To my surprise, he said that he'd not be happy even if I decide to lunch with him because it's the thought that counts, not the action. I suppose he thought that I changed my decision because I was pissed and because he said those stuff about "infinity plus one". In other words, I changed it to please him, but in my heart it was not what I wanted. WRONG. Read above paragraph please.
I changed my mind because I wanted to have lunch with him. That's why I kept highlighting that I was HAPPY to have decided to do so. Do I have to repeat myself? I was HAPPY, alright?

Somewhere along the line, I used "shut up" on him (and I'm extremely apologetic about that) because I was upset about him being not happy even after I've decided to lunch with him. No, he didn't know why I used "shut up". The phrase got onto his nerves. I didn't have any evil intentions when I used it. I didn't mean for him to literally shut up. I just didn't want to hear that I couldn't make him happy. It just made me extremely upset.

Also somewhere along the line, I got so angry that I decided to have lunch alone. Seriously. It didn't seem right to ask LY out for lunch again because I was already indecisive enough and also because I felt as if I'd be betraying him in a way. Weird feeling, isn't it? I'm stupid, I know.
Then because I was angry (and still am), I declared to him twice that I'd lunch alone. After which I logged off MSN or appeared offline or something because I was just too angry with him.
After a while I couldn't resist so I went back in just to confirm that lunch thing (of which I was already tired with) and to see if I could sort this out a bit.
At this point, bear in mind that I was angry and I think that he was too. THINK. Everything is uncertain, I'm so pissed at myself. Even have to guess whether or not he's angry. (Am I very hard on myself?) I get a feeling that he's angry at my indecisiveness.

Anyway he told me that I should lunch with LY since I've already told her so (is this indirectly reprimanding me for not having lunched with him after I've told him so?). I was quite unwilling to let it go at that. Why? Because I wanted to eat with him. Is it so difficult? All I wanted was to eat with you, why so complicated? Why couldn't you have just said ok? Didn't I say on msn that I WANTED to lunch with you? Did you not see it, or did I really not tell you?

I asked one last time if he wanted to lunch with me or not.

No

That was quite enough for me. I replied okay and then logged off.
Was upset. Very upset. Stupid as it seems, I was on the verge of crying. I said I'm stupid already.
I couldn't imagine myself having lunch alone and then have my thoughts drifting towards that "no". I didn't want to think so much, so I SMS-ed LY to ask if she would have lunch with me (again) and am very apologetic for having changed my mind so many times. That was how we spent lunch hour at Mcdonald's, squeezed into a very small space, eating our fish fillets and talking about games/tricks we played in JC.

Yes, he did SMS me the following morning apologizing. Yes, I did say that it was my fault too and that I should have asked LY before asking him.
I acknowledge that it was partly my fault but I am still angry/pissed/irritated even though I probably shouldn't be.
Right now I guess he should still be irritated with me. GUESS. Uncertainty.
Why? I suppose it can also partly be because I sent him a one-liner reply "eating with ly" when he asked if I am eating alone still. What must it have seemed like to him? That I lied? That I'm indecisive?
I didn't lie at that time when I said that I would eat alone. I really thought so. It was only after that no that I asked LY. If I was alone, I might have just gone and bought that packet of cigarettes.
I'm indecisive. Have always been and probably always will be. I don't like it but that's me. Don't say I never try to change it. I try, but it's not easy. I try to refrain from saying anything before I've made up my mind.

Sorry but I am still pissed because I don't understand why he should be pissed/irritated from the beginning. IF he was pissed/irritated from the beginning. Uncertainty. BLEH.

Please tell me what the hell I'm supposed to do because I feel a mixture of anger and misery. Is it my fault? Does it matter whose fault is it? Yes, it does. If it's my fault, I want to know.

Hate announcing my misery out to the world like this.

And well, yes, if it makes us both happier if you give up, then please do. I was the one who pulled you into this in the first place from the very beginning so I apologize for all the trouble I've caused. You are free to go whenever you want. No strings attached, remember?
Ha, it seems as if that last sentence itself is a string. Bleh.

I disgust myself. I tell you, the day I lose my virginity would not be because I love that person to whom I lost it to. It would be because I want to lose it. Yeah, the fact shocked myself, but that's what I realized.
*shrugs* Ah well, change is constant, is it not?

And no, I haven't lost my virginity.